Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5861863 times)

Brock · « **Reply #35800 on:** August 24, 2021, 07:48:39 PM »

Quote

Have to pay for disposal in Vic, Brock.

Our local tip is actually self financing, It has a big recycling / preloved goods shop that does well, captures gas from the tip pits and uses it to make electricity (xcess goes back into the grid for $$) and has tipping fees. Doesnt cost the Council anything to run it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35801 on:** August 24, 2021, 07:53:49 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35802 on:** August 24, 2021, 08:10:53 PM »

Donald Trumps brain is the size of a pea in the morning because it swells at night.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35803 on:** August 24, 2021, 08:12:28 PM »

What's Irish, and stays out all night?

Patty O'furniture!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35804 on:** August 24, 2021, 08:14:09 PM »

Did you know the inventor of the starter pistol was Karl Marx's sister?

Her name was Onya

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35805 on:** August 24, 2021, 08:18:44 PM »

You can tell when someone is lying just by looking at them
You can also tell when they're standing.

Daniel Andrews has taken it to a new level.
He can lie while sitting, standing, or falling down stairs, just by opening his mouth.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35806 on:** August 24, 2021, 08:21:03 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35807 on:** August 24, 2021, 10:25:24 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35808 on:** August 24, 2021, 10:26:47 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35809 on:** August 24, 2021, 10:55:54 PM »

A man was really stressed, and his wife put her foot down and finally made him do something about it.
She told him he needed to buy a pet because she read that pets reduce stress.

So he takes an Uber to the pet store and is greeted by the owner, a very attractive woman.

Surprisingly, she suggests buying a couple dozen snails because they are very relaxing.

After the purchase they continue talking and things heat up, and she asks him to come upstairs to her apartment.

They make love all afternoon and evening, and he falls asleep in her arms the most relaxed he's been in some time.

About 2:00am he wakes up freaking out because his wife will be furious.
Since it's so late, she offers to drive him home. He grabs his box of snails and they take off.

She drops him off a block away, and as he's walking up the drive he trips over a garden hose and the snails go flying.

He gets to his feet and sees his little snails on the ground around him. At that moment his wife throws open the door, mad as hell, and yells "Where have you been?"

He looks at her and then back at his snails and says, "Come on little fellas, not far now. Good job guys, we're almost there!."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35810 on:** August 24, 2021, 11:18:59 PM »

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35811 on:** August 25, 2021, 01:21:43 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35812 on:** August 25, 2021, 01:27:56 AM »

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room.

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination.
Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm sure glad I came to see you."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35813 on:** August 25, 2021, 01:33:09 AM »

A fisherman called Emergency and said: "Help! A crocodile took my leg off!"

The EMT asks: "Oh my god, which one?"

The fisherman replied "How the hell should I know? .. Those bastards all look the same to me!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35814 on:** August 25, 2021, 05:04:03 AM »

It just struck me that in British slang 'Trump' means "Fart", and in US slang 'Johnson' means "Penis"

I can't wait to tell the wife. She'll laugh her Merkel off.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35815 on:** August 25, 2021, 05:18:44 AM »

I wish Microwave ovens had a silent mode for midnight snacks.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35816 on:** August 25, 2021, 05:20:30 AM »

I have so little faith in humanity, I look both ways before crossing a one way street.

Wild Rose · « **Reply #35817 on:** August 25, 2021, 06:23:39 AM »

A bit cool in Toowoomba this morning 3.2° feels like -2.1°

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35818 on:** August 25, 2021, 07:00:26 AM »

There's a good reason for thermal wear Leo. Currently 9 here, feels like 3.3 at 7am

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35819 on:** August 25, 2021, 07:14:04 AM »

A small quiz

Think of a number between 2 & 5.
Now times it by 9.
Now take the sum of the two numbers in that number(example: 42: 4+2=6).
Now subtract that number by 5.
Next see which letter corresponds with that number(1=a 2=b 3=c and so on).
After that think of a country that is NOT in North America nor South America beginning with that letter.
Take the last letter of that country and think of an animal that begins with that letter.
Now take the last letter of that animal and think of a fruit that starts with that letter.

Are you thinking of an orange kangaroo from Denmark?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35820 on:** August 25, 2021, 07:23:52 AM »

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills, but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35821 on:** August 25, 2021, 07:33:34 AM »

Apple has just released a new iPhone App.

Now you can call your friends, and actually speak to them instead of texting!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35822 on:** August 25, 2021, 09:08:52 AM »

Is there really a need to use your iPhone to scan your body for skin cancers, while performing Lasik surgery on your eyes?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35823 on:** August 25, 2021, 09:17:37 AM »

You've heard the expression 'tit for tat'?

Well, I've got more than enough 'tat' (https://dictionary.cambridge.org/amp/english/tat)

Anyone know where to go to trade it in for my reward?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35824 on:** August 25, 2021, 09:51:51 AM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5861863 times)