Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5863118 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36301 on:** September 08, 2021, 02:10:44 AM »

If your computer isn't working properly and you don't understand why...

...just hit it a bunch of times with a hammer.

It still won't work properly, but at least you'll understand why.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36302 on:** September 08, 2021, 02:14:19 AM »

An accountant's wife cannot sleep, so she turned to her husband and said:

"Darling, could you tell me about your work today?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36303 on:** September 08, 2021, 12:21:57 PM »

When two organisms mutually benefit, it's called "symbiosis"
When only one organism benefits, it's called "parasitism."
When neither benefits, that's called "marriage."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36304 on:** September 08, 2021, 12:31:09 PM »

Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that raid "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly, I realized how many proctologists are on the road.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36305 on:** September 08, 2021, 12:50:14 PM »

Remember, having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory healthy and functioning properly.

Here’s to an unforgettable new year!! Happy 2009, everyone!!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36306 on:** September 08, 2021, 01:03:06 PM »

A man walked into the doctor's surgery
He had half a bun on his head, a sausage behind his ear, several pickles in his shirt and an ice cream cone on his foot.

The doctor took one look and said: "I wish you would learn to eat properly."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36307 on:** September 08, 2021, 01:10:21 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36308 on:** September 08, 2021, 02:34:41 PM »

"I work with animals," the guy says to his date.

"That's so sweet," she replies.

"I love a man who cares about animals.... Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he says.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36309 on:** September 08, 2021, 02:59:20 PM »

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"
I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.
Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"
I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it.
Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"
I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."

Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.

She said: "Take care, and get yourself checked out for Covid-19."

Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked.

She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36310 on:** September 08, 2021, 03:03:43 PM »

A cat goes to the other animals at the barn with news from the house.
"My fellow animals, I heard that there's going to be a huge party this Saturday and they're going to slaughter you, Cow."

The animals all gasp and start consoling Cow that everything is going to be alright.

Chicken, the bully, on the other hand is laughing hysterically. "Finally, we'll get rid of some people in this place."

Sheep and Dog try to condemn Chicken, but he cannot hear them over the sound of him laughing.

For the whole week, Chicken taunts Cow calling him all kinds of names, from dead meat, to goner, to stew.

Saturday is finally here. Unfortunately, the party was cancelled and only one guest arrived.

They had chicken for dinner.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36311 on:** September 08, 2021, 03:11:09 PM »

The Most Stupid Animal in the Jungle would have to be the Polar Bear.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36312 on:** September 08, 2021, 03:16:25 PM »

I lost my job at the zoo recently.
There was a sign that said 'do not feed the animals'

So I didn't.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36313 on:** September 08, 2021, 03:18:48 PM »

My emotional support animal is a chicken.

A four piece box .......... with fries.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36314 on:** September 08, 2021, 03:29:41 PM »

There was a large group of people milling around outside the supermarket this morning.

Some guy drove up, parked, and started pushing his way through the crowd.

People got annoyed, and pushed him back.
He tried again, but a big guy grabbed him by the collar, and said menacingly, "Wait your turn, no line jumping, pal!"

So the guy turned back to his car, and mumbled "Stuff you all, I'm not opening the shop today!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36315 on:** September 08, 2021, 05:00:38 PM »

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it.
Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".
The pigmy said "Yes."
The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"
Said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 130 of us."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36316 on:** September 08, 2021, 05:56:15 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36317 on:** September 08, 2021, 06:11:21 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36318 on:** September 08, 2021, 06:15:34 PM »

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.

The rest cheat in Europe.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36319 on:** September 08, 2021, 06:29:36 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36320 on:** September 08, 2021, 06:46:17 PM »

Jack Hartounian: "My father was Armenian. My mother was half Jewish, half English, half Spanish.

Chandler Young: "That's three halves?"

Jack Hartounian: "Oh, she was a big woman."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36321 on:** September 08, 2021, 06:50:34 PM »

Chandler Young: "My mother was half Jewish too."

Jack Hartounian: "Which half?"

Chandler Young: "Her mouth."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36322 on:** September 08, 2021, 07:00:09 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36323 on:** September 08, 2021, 08:03:28 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36324 on:** September 08, 2021, 08:14:27 PM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5863118 times)