Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 5864462 times)

Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36550 on: September 14, 2021, 08:48:54 AM »
'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody.
It was a Chinese restaurant.

 I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.
'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead three weeks.'
I said, 'Not only that. 'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other.
'He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'

I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster.
I said just a minute, he's only got one claw?
'He said 'Well he's been in a fight. 'I said, 'Well, give me the winner, then.'

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36551 on: September 14, 2021, 08:49:26 AM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36552 on: September 14, 2021, 08:50:20 AM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36553 on: September 14, 2021, 08:51:53 AM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36554 on: September 14, 2021, 09:00:46 AM »
If this is how Arabs drive, I don't wanna visit there.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36555 on: September 14, 2021, 11:49:41 AM »
Latest phone scam. Had a call a half hour ago.

Seems the ATO has reported me for failing to submit a tax return last year, and Federal Police have a warrant for my arrest!
I told the clown to send them around, my door is open.

(I retired from the workforce 10 years ago, and my only income is the aged Pension.)  :rofl :rofl
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36556 on: September 14, 2021, 11:55:52 AM »
Why do cats eat raw meat?

Nobody taught them how to cook.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36557 on: September 14, 2021, 12:25:46 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36558 on: September 14, 2021, 12:27:30 PM »
I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36559 on: September 14, 2021, 12:28:04 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36560 on: September 14, 2021, 12:34:43 PM »
My buddy and I stepped up to the bar, and I bought the first drinks.

As we emptied our glasses, I nudged mine towards him and said "Your round"

He replied "So are you, you fat bastard!"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36561 on: September 14, 2021, 12:35:25 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36562 on: September 14, 2021, 03:36:31 PM »
You know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again?

The other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36563 on: September 14, 2021, 04:48:00 PM »
Five Detroit Tigers fans, Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar, are watching a home game for the Tigers. Of course, the Tigers easily lose, and the five fans leave the stadium angrily.
"If those players had played better, we could have won," said Al.

"Don't blame the players, blame the coach," said Ben. "If he had trained the players better, they would have played better."

"Those players couldn't play a decent game if their lives depended on it," said Carl. "But it's not the coach's fault they're on the team, it's the general manager's fault."

"Well, I think it was the umpire's fault," said Dan. "I think he was biased against the other team and gave them an advantage."

Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan get into a huge argument over who to blame: the players, the coach, the manager, or the umpire. Finally, Edgar gives a loud whistle, and everyone stops arguing and looks at him.

"People," he says, "the fault lies neither with the players, nor the coach, nor the manager, nor the umpire, but with our parents."

"Our parents?" asks Al.

"What do you mean?" asks Carl.

"Well," explains Edgar, "if we had been born in Boston instead of Detroit, we'd be fans of a much better team."
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36564 on: September 14, 2021, 05:28:59 PM »
Went to the corner shop.

- bought 4 corners, used them to construct a shed.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36565 on: September 14, 2021, 05:43:09 PM »
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so one of them must be Chinese.

It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or maybe my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou.

But I think it's Colin.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36566 on: September 14, 2021, 05:49:10 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36567 on: September 14, 2021, 06:37:55 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36568 on: September 14, 2021, 07:20:10 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36569 on: September 14, 2021, 07:28:38 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36570 on: September 14, 2021, 11:01:58 PM »
Been a slow and steady increase to my balance from PureProfile online paid surveys for the past two weeks, and only another 5 days until I claim my next $70 to be transferred into my bank.



Edit 11.12pm ... just earned another 20 cents, monthly total now $36
« Last Edit: September 14, 2021, 11:13:44 PM by Kev Murphy »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36571 on: September 14, 2021, 11:17:58 PM »
You're doing much better than I, Kev...my total is 10c so far!  :rofl

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36572 on: September 14, 2021, 11:48:46 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36573 on: September 14, 2021, 11:56:27 PM »
The best way to carve wood is Whittle by whittle.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36574 on: September 15, 2021, 12:01:38 AM »
Cosmetic surgery used to be taboo.

But now when you talk about Botox, no one raises an eyebrow.
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