Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

North Korean missiles can now reach mainland U.S.A...


Trump twittered "WE WILL BUILD A ROOF! ... AND N. KOREA'S GOING TO PAY FOR IT!"

[Kev Murphy]

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas, or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.


It was an ether/oar situation.

[Kev Murphy]

An American coastal patrol vessel spotted a dinghy with four Mexicans aboard.

“What are you doing, where are you going?” the Americans asked.

“We are going to attack America,” the four responded.

The Americans laughed at them.

Then they said, “The other 3 million are already there.”

[Kev Murphy]

A Scottish bloke went on a skiing holiday in Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he visited a bar at the resort.
After about five or six whiskeys, he looked up and noticed an animal head with antlers high on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the hell is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The astonished Scot said, "Fock me! How big are the cats?"

[Kev Murphy]

The danger with online porn is that it's a slippery slope
First, you click one link. Then that leads you to another, then another, then another...

Then, before you know it, your pants are off, it's four hours later, and you're getting weird looks from everyone else in the library.

[Kev Murphy]

I bought the 'Sounds of the Rain-Forest' cd,


... not as relaxing as I hoped.


The first two minutes was the sounds of birds chirping, the rest was chainsaws and bulldozers.

[Kev Murphy]

Mexican storyteller

.. Juan Seponatime.

[Bodø]

I bought the 'Sounds of the Rain-Forest' cd,


... not as relaxing as I hoped.


The first two minutes was the sounds of birds chirping, the rest was chainsaws and bulldozers.

I might like that one.  I've gone into the laundry to listen to the washing machine as it drowns out my wife's son.

[Kev Murphy]

'Morning Bodø ... all the best for your birthday mate.

[Bodø]

Cheers

[Kev Murphy]

Homemade 'Bill Clinton' stew.


One wiener, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans, and tons of hot water.

Best if stirred frequently.

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

 Not with Preferential voting, it doesn't work that way.

[Kev Murphy]

A man goes to a costume party wearing only his underwear with a woman on his back.
His friends see him, and ask, “What are you supposed to be?”


“Oh, I'm dressed as a turtle!”


“...a turtle?  How are you a turtle, and why is there a woman on your back?”


“That's Michelle.”

[Kev Murphy]

They never give up!

Had a telemarketer call, Aussie mobile phone number displayed. Indian accent.
Hung up in his ear.

I was bored...

Called the number back a few times, but it was in use. Finally got through.. I said "Is Gerard there?"
He replied "Is no one here with that name?"
I called back several more times until the line was free again. When he answered, I again asked "Could I speak to Gerard please?"
He was annoyed, "I already tell you, there is nobody here with that name!"
Took me another 15 minutes before the line was free again and I launched into "Is that you Gerard?"
He exploded "You stupid! I tell you many many time is no Gerard here!"

Left it to simmer for awhile before calling again. After about another 6 attempts, it started ringing.
When he picked up I said "Hi!, this is Gerard ... have there been any messages for me?"

Might try the number again later, and ask for Angelo ...

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Two lawyers walk into a pub
They order a couple of drinks, then take sandwiches from their briefcases and begin to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The two look at each other, shrug, and exchange sandwiches.

[Kev Murphy]

A man noticed his wife standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in her stomach.
“Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” he said.
“Sure, it does,” she said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

[Kev Murphy]

Blonde: "My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor."

Doctor: "You should diet."

Blonde: "Really? ... What colour?"

[Kev Murphy]

Another chilly evening here. Cats have commandeered the heaters.

11.30 pm
Portland   5.7°C
Feels Like   3.9°C

[Kev Murphy]

My friend told me he got arrested for DUI. And I asked how that was possible, because he never had a drink in his life.
This is what he told me:

So I'm driving along and there is a police car and they stop me.
The police officer asks me to step out of the car: "Sir did you have anything to drink?"
My friend denied this and the police started a test with him:
"So it is dark. You are looking down the street. There are two lights coming towards you. What is it?"
My friend: "A car! Obviously!"
Cop:"Yeah but kind of car? A Mercedes, a Ferrari or a Ford?"
Friend:"How should I know?"
To which the cop responded:"See, you are drunk!"
My friend responded:"That's preposterous! Do another test!"
The cop continued: "Ok, so it's dark, and you look down the street. There is one light coming towards you. What is it?"
My friend: "Yeah, obviously a motorcycle."
Cop:"What kind of motorcycle? A BMW, a Yamaha or a Suzuki?"
My friend slightly agitated: "How the hell should I know?"
The cop replied:"See, you are drunk!"
My friend:"That's ridiculous. I think YOU are drunk. ....Let me do a test with you! ...  It's dark. You are driving down a road,
and there is a woman wearing a short mini skirt, lots of lipstick and her boobs hanging out. What is it?"
The cop replies:"That's easy. It's a hooker!"
My friend: "Yeah, but what kind of Hooker? Your mom, your daughter or your wife?"

[Kev Murphy]

I saw a woman drop her purse near Maccas this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.


So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"


She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.


As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the footpath outside McDonald's."


"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"


I said, "I've just told you, on the footpath outside McDonald's."

[Kev Murphy]

Technically speaking, eye drops are actually “blinker fluid”

[Kev Murphy]

The Canberra Raiders have decided to alter their name, as some followers consider it offensive .
Don Furner, Jr., the CEO of the club has announced that they are dropping "Canberra" from the team name,
and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The Raiders."

It was reported that he finds the word "Canberra" imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement,
corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young Rugby fans.