Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 411805 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15550 on: December 02, 2019, 04:58:21 PM »
Stoopid teacher.

I dun complain to da Headmaster 'bout how he tell ma boy dat Pie are square. Dats boolshit, man!

Ev'body know, Pie are round, SANDWICH are square!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15551 on: December 02, 2019, 05:03:53 PM »
A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner, who was also the sister of a highly respected Admiral:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.”

“They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: “No Jews, please.” "

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: “Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.”

“One is a Lieutenant Commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.”

“The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD, in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering, are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.”

“The third officer is also a Lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.”

“Finally, the fourth officer, also a Lieutenant Commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .”

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, “There must be some mistake.”

“No, Madam,” said the first officer.

“Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.”
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15552 on: December 02, 2019, 05:06:19 PM »
My friend just got his degree in procrastination.


He said he would go pick it up after Christmas.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15553 on: December 02, 2019, 05:15:14 PM »
I've known Paul for years
He's always been such a nice guy. In middle school, our teachers would always ask if he finished his homework.
Paul would hold up his homework and say yes. During lunch, kids would always ask if they could sit with him, and Paul would say yes.
A kid would ask if he's trade his pudding cup for an apple and he'd say yes. I was amazed by how nice and generous he was, not to mention positive.

In high school, Paul was asked to join the basketball team. Her said yes and lead the school all the way to the championships.
Some other students asked if he'd tutor them, and he said yes. Then the most popular girl in school asked him to prom.
We were all surprised that he didn't ask her first. But he said yes. Then before graduation, he as asked to be valedictorian.
And as you may have guessed, he said yes.

He went to college, and got a great job as soon as he got his degree. He worked his way up. Every time he was offered a promotion, he said yes.
Paul became a wealthy man. And charitable. When the hospital asked for a donation, he said yes. When the schools asked for a donation, he said yes.
 When a complete stranger asked him to pay for his surgery, Paul said yes.

Then Paul's girlfriend proposed, and he said yes. Being his oldest and closest friend, I was asked to be his best man.
I said "I'll do it, Paul. But first, I have to ask. Why do you always say yes to everything?"

Paul simply shrugged and said "I don't no?"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15554 on: December 02, 2019, 07:29:26 PM »
A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with scepticism.
"Do you really feel that a travelling circus is suitable environment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agency asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be travelling with.

Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?"

"Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy."

"I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about the child's health?"

"We also have in our employ a full time nurse with a degree in paediatric medicine who will be able to attend to all of our child's needs."

"Well, it certainly sounds like you've thought of everything. Were you looking to adopt a girl or a boy?"

"Doesn't matter", the couple tell her. "As long as it fits in the cannon."
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15555 on: December 02, 2019, 07:41:29 PM »
The recipe said, "put the stew in the oven at 180 degrees", so I did…

Now it's all over the bottom of the freaking oven…
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15556 on: December 02, 2019, 07:45:53 PM »
Youy should have rotated it hortizontally.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15557 on: December 02, 2019, 07:48:37 PM »
 :grin
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15558 on: December 02, 2019, 07:51:34 PM »
Pets are like countries, or like some specific jobs.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.

Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason or other.

Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.

Goldfish are like Australian Prime Ministers. They're lucky to last more than a year or two.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15559 on: December 02, 2019, 08:16:00 PM »
A Navy SEAL, a police officer, and a firefighter go into the local pub. While enjoying their drinks, they manage to get on the topic on who has the most dangerous job.

The Navy SEAL says, “I do. I put my ass on the line killing terrorists for my country.”
The Cop says, “I do. I put my ass on the line everyday on these streets, keeping my citizens safe.”
The Firefighter says, “You guys think you got it bad? 
I put my ass on the line, and now I got third degree burns on both cheeks!”
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15560 on: December 02, 2019, 08:54:32 PM »
An Australian woman walks into a New Zealand bakery.

She asks how much for bread buns.

“It’s $4 for six” replies the baker

The woman says: “That’s a lovely offer, but i think I’ll just buy some bread buns please.”
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15561 on: December 02, 2019, 09:57:39 PM »
Did you hear about the group of 'working girls' that started a bakery?

Everything is ho-made.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15562 on: December 02, 2019, 10:01:48 PM »
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar...
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!”

The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15563 on: December 02, 2019, 10:05:41 PM »
White House Sex Scandal

Evidence deemed “fake nudes.”
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15564 on: December 02, 2019, 11:15:31 PM »

It loaded here on the 1st Sep 2019.

It was 34 °C as I left fir work at 7:45 am, and still 32 °C when I got home at 5:30 pm.

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15565 on: December 03, 2019, 12:45:41 AM »
... proves its not a faulty program, just incompatible with Victoria.   :grin
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15566 on: December 03, 2019, 04:13:01 AM »
I'm always amazed at the wonders of nature, and how in tune they are with the Earth itself.
For example, when ducks fly in V-formation, do you know why one side is often longer than the other?

It's because there are more ducks on that side.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15567 on: December 03, 2019, 04:29:00 AM »
Scientists have decoded a message received from deep space.

Extra Terrestrials have declared that they will visit earth to bring peace, and exchange technological information in around 19 International Space Time units.

After many months of research, they have determined that the message originated just one and a half International Space Time units ago, and was addressed to the dinosaurs.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
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0428 306 496
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15568 on: December 03, 2019, 07:51:19 AM »
... proves its not a faulty program, just incompatible with Victoria.   :grin
You have to uninstall Winter first.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15569 on: December 03, 2019, 08:16:49 AM »
Have to survive it first :rofl
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15570 on: December 03, 2019, 10:32:01 AM »
Ladies, are you looking to get longer lashes?

Try showing a bit of ankle in Saudi Arabia.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15571 on: December 03, 2019, 10:35:52 AM »
Stephen Hawking had his first date in 10 years.

When he returned home, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up!
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15572 on: December 03, 2019, 10:44:32 AM »
The class had to write a short, rhyming, two-line poem as homework.
Lisa stands up and proudly recites :



*Yesterday my Dad and I went to town*

*And I got a brand new blue dressing gown.*



"That's a lovely poem, Lisa!" says the teacher.

Now it's Johnny's turn. He stands up and recites theatrically :



*When October gets cloudy and heavy rain falls,*

*I jump into puddles, water up to my ankles.*



The teacher looks perplexed. "But that's not rhyming, Johnny?

Johnny looks down and replies sadly :

"I'm sorry Teacher. Water wasn't deep enough!"
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15573 on: December 03, 2019, 11:20:59 AM »
James Schiddy scored a weather reporting job on live TV.

They had him do a 10 minute current weather broadcast every hour, but the popularity ratings dropped rapidly, so he was fired.

Far too many Schiddy weather reports.
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15574 on: December 03, 2019, 12:32:20 PM »
I just googled 'Trip Adviser', and it was a complete waste of time!

There's absolutely *no* information about twisted ankles or skinned knees!
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
Bruised and bent, not broken. I survived.
0428 306 496
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