Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 4158938 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19625 on:** August 09, 2020, 01:30:43 PM »

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me
hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope
likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
"He said, 'Where'd you get the crappy haircut?' "

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19626 on:** August 09, 2020, 01:43:35 PM »

The real reason that birds sing at sunrise, is because they don't have to freaking go to work.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19627 on:** August 09, 2020, 01:46:33 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19628 on:** August 09, 2020, 01:49:31 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19629 on:** August 09, 2020, 02:06:45 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19630 on:** August 09, 2020, 02:12:38 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19631 on:** August 09, 2020, 06:10:30 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19632 on:** August 09, 2020, 06:12:42 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19633 on:** August 09, 2020, 06:27:10 PM »

Have been exercising all day today,

... doing diddly -squats.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19634 on:** August 09, 2020, 06:32:41 PM »

How to move to the front of the line at MacDonald's.

Ask in a loud voice if they have tracked the source of covid that infected their staff.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19635 on:** August 09, 2020, 06:38:01 PM »

Ever drive down the highway, and a police car comes up behind you?

Then everybody goes two by two behind him.

He's like the interstate pace car.

Then he gets off at the exit, and we're all back to green flag racing again!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19636 on:** August 09, 2020, 06:41:10 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19637 on:** August 09, 2020, 06:41:41 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19638 on:** August 09, 2020, 06:50:34 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19639 on:** August 09, 2020, 08:15:22 PM »

Kim Kardashian has had her butt lifted so far that when she farts, only dogs can hear it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19640 on:** August 10, 2020, 01:21:28 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19641 on:** August 10, 2020, 02:16:18 AM »

To the Vegans.

If you want to save the animals, stop eating all their food!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19642 on:** August 10, 2020, 02:21:29 AM »

A kid asked me "What is stress?"

So I locked him in a backroom with his iPhone at only 2% battery capacity....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19643 on:** August 10, 2020, 02:22:44 AM »

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin.

And I'm like, "Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19644 on:** August 10, 2020, 02:28:02 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19645 on:** August 10, 2020, 03:56:34 AM »

ScoMo only appears on TV after lunch each day.

That's because he is PM, not am ...

Besides, Daniel Andrews has first dibs of timeslots between 5am and midday, and then owns primetime TV after 4pm.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19646 on:** August 10, 2020, 03:59:09 AM »

Donald Trump is so fat that if he ever needed to go to hospital, he would need a hambulance to transport him.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19647 on:** August 10, 2020, 04:03:55 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19648 on:** August 10, 2020, 04:12:31 AM »

Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent — over $500,000 a year.

She's in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month basis.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America.
Women admire her because she's strong and successful.
Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #19649 on:** August 10, 2020, 09:22:37 AM »

A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?"
His response was, "My Mum can."
The teacher replies in disbelief, "Really?"
The young boy is quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card, and tells me what will happen when Dad gets home."

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 4158938 times)