Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 5860987 times)

Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35900 on: August 26, 2021, 02:38:27 PM »
I was planning to buy a SUV for while. My birthday arrived and my wife said "Surprise, I got your SUV"
Elated I jumped "Wow honey, you are the best....cant wait to go outside and check it out!"

She said "No need. Its in the bag here. Socks, Underwear, & Viagra"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35901 on: August 26, 2021, 04:29:15 PM »
What is the most commonly used computer programming language?


Profanity.   :OldMan
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35902 on: August 26, 2021, 04:31:21 PM »
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?"
Instantly the machine replied, "Yes, sir!"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35903 on: August 26, 2021, 04:37:37 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35904 on: August 26, 2021, 04:42:29 PM »
An elderly friend got onto the internet only recently, and is still very unsure about how to use it.
A month or so ago, I taught him how to use email, to his amazement.

I also showed him how web browsing works, and showed him how to put questions into Google search.

Yesterday he was planning to repaint the shed, and wanted to know if latex paint would stick to stucco, - so he did a search for Latex Bondage.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35905 on: August 26, 2021, 04:47:57 PM »
Clever Mexicans... So much for multi-million dollar walls.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35906 on: August 26, 2021, 05:06:07 PM »
Why did Trump buy a dictionary?

To figure out what part of vote results he doesn't understand.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35907 on: August 26, 2021, 07:35:32 PM »
 A tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.
Cop: You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car.

Tourist: But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!

Cop: I don't care.

Tourist: Please, be be reasonable, you cant do this!

Cop: Well, you can file an appeal. Here write it on this paper, but it has to be in Russian.

Tourist: But I don't know any Russian!

Cop: Not my problem.

The tourist takes the piece of paper and starts pacing around the car. In desperation, he takes a $50 bill out of his wallet, wraps it in the paper and hands it to the cop.

Cop: I see you already wrote half of the appeal! And you said you didn't know any Russian!
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35908 on: August 26, 2021, 08:33:10 PM »
I hate that you cant say "black paint" anymore.
You have to say

"Leroy, can you please paint the wall?"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35909 on: August 26, 2021, 09:15:08 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35910 on: August 26, 2021, 09:20:51 PM »
At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.
At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35911 on: August 26, 2021, 09:21:32 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35912 on: August 26, 2021, 09:41:14 PM »
I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out...
...I’m only after my money.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35913 on: August 26, 2021, 09:55:18 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35914 on: August 26, 2021, 10:00:21 PM »
I hate waking up at stupid o'clock in the morning.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35915 on: August 26, 2021, 10:02:06 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35916 on: August 26, 2021, 10:03:20 PM »
I couldn't figure out why I can't sleep all night...
And then it dawned on me.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35917 on: August 26, 2021, 10:04:15 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35918 on: August 27, 2021, 12:46:33 AM »
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35919 on: August 27, 2021, 12:53:42 AM »
A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position.

They interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 Hours and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was:

**"A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?"**

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from the USA , says, "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from England, says, "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one, from Scotland, says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35920 on: August 27, 2021, 01:20:41 AM »
A tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
"Please, you have to come over right away," pleaded a distraught mother, "My child has swallowed a condom."

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out of the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35921 on: August 27, 2021, 01:42:05 AM »
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual?'

And the dentist said to me 'Murphy, get out of the filing cabinet!'

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35922 on: August 27, 2021, 02:02:52 AM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35923 on: August 27, 2021, 05:10:39 AM »
I told my sister that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well, I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35924 on: August 27, 2021, 05:20:46 AM »
Vaccine Warning!

A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination centre, after which he suffered blurred vision.

When he got home, he called the vaccination centre for advice, and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalized.

He was told to go back to the vaccination centre immediately, as he had left his glasses in the waiting room.
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