Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

If it's true that crows have the intelligence of a 7 year old human...
How come I've never seen a crow admitted to a veterinary hospital for having a lego stuck up it's butt?

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

A man wakes up after being in a coma for 20 years. Immediately he calls his bank to see how his savings have grown with interest over the last two decades and is told he has $144,833,411,19 in his account.

“Whooo- Hoo! I’m a multi-millionaire!”

He hobbles down the hallway giggling to himself at his good fortune. “I’m gonna celebrate!”

At the end of the hallway is a Coca-Cola Machine.

“Ahhh! That’ll taste good after all these years!”

He fishes in his pocket and comes out with a dollar bill and inserts it. He can’t wait!

Suddenly, a voice comes from the vending machine:

“Please add an additional, $47, 499 dollars.”

[Kev Murphy]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I figured it was time to get out of the house. My neighbour with the big boobs has been gardening topless all afternoon," the guy tells the bartender.

"That doesn't sound too bad," the bartender laughs.

"Well it wouldn't be, if his wife would try it occasionally," the guy replies.

[Kev Murphy]

Depth perception is the only difference between an ass kisser and a brown noser.

[Kev Murphy]

My yearly age pension is over six figures....

I am paid a cool $24,239.47 per year, plus two annual increases of a further $2.75 each....

[Kev Murphy]

My friend went to the doctors worrying that he had caught the Coronavirus from his complete collection of Matt Groening animation figures.

Luckily his diagnosis was negative, despite having all the Simpsons.

[Kev Murphy]

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest of them a bad name.

[Kev Murphy]

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian.

[Kev Murphy]

From now on, Australians who've lost their jobs will no longer be known as 'unemployed,' they are now part of ScoMo's new 'Operation Week-Day Freedom'

[Kev Murphy]

If your wife says to you, "We need to talk," horse sh!t.

Start a fire in your house, it's easier to deal with.

Cause when your wife says to you, "We need to talk" it does not mean we need to talk, it means you need to sit there and listen while I tell you all the ways you've been stuffin' up! That's what that means.

You ain't never gonna hear a man say, "We need to talk,"...Unless...He caught a disease while he was out fishing...or while playin' golf.

[Kev Murphy]

 Sometimes I wake up grumpy;

.. other times I just let her sleep.

[ruSTynutz]

My yearly age pension is over six figures....

I am paid a cool $24,239.47 per year, plus two annual increases of a further $2.75 each....

Me thinks I want to swap pensions, Kev!

[Kev Murphy]

Dave went to the store for a box of mothballs. His closet was infested with moths and he needed a solution.
The next day, Dave returned to buy five more boxes.

“Weren’t you just here yesterday to buy a box of mothballs?” the store clerk asked.

“Yes, but I used up that box already. Those suckers are hard to hit when they start flying!”

[Kev Murphy]

Nice to see this biker has his priorities sorted...

[Kev Murphy]

Why are they called the Atlanta 'Braves'?

Ever seen the girls there?

[Kev Murphy]

My dog attacked a guy, and bit his ankle.

The guy screamed at me "Why the hell did your dog bite my ankle!"

I replied "Because he's a miniature dachshund, and couldn't reach any higher!"

[Kev Murphy]

Rednecks like the doggie position because they can both watch Nascar on TV.

[Kev Murphy]

Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust, but can't survive a slap from a newspaper.

This shows how toxic the media is.

[Kev Murphy]

Leave stoners alone!

[Kev Murphy]

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

An Arkansas farm boy decides to try his luck in the city.
He gathers up his few possessions, tells all his friends goodbye and buys a bus ticket to Little Rock.

A few months later, his friends are shocked to see him driving back into their little town in a new, shiny red Mustang convertible. They all rush to catch up to him as he parks in front of his parents' house.

"Damn Jimbo, you must've hit it big in the city!" one said.
"Nope", he replied "I couldn't find a job and was living on the streets. Got all my stuff stoled and didn't have a penny to my name. It was terrible. That's why I decided to come home."
"But Jimbo, where'd you get this fancy car?" Another asked.
"Well, that's a funny story." Jimbo said. "You see, I decided to come back home, but I couldn't afford no bus ticket, so I set out hitchhiking. Just a few miles outta Little Rock, this pretty woman in this shiny new red convertible stopped to give me a ride. She was really nice and we talked as we were riding along. When we got out into the country she suddenly pulled off the highway onto this dirt road and parked the car. She went and stood in front of the car and took off all her clothes and put them on the hood of the car and told me 'You can have whatever you want'. Well shit, I took the car! Wouldn't none of them clothes fit me anyway!"

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

“Now how’s he going to read the newspaper, all rolled up like that?"

...thought the spider.