Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5862098 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36101 on:** August 31, 2021, 05:02:45 PM »

A man walks up to the pearly gates...
"What brings you here, sir?" asks St. Peter

"An incredibly long and arduous fight with the big C" replied the man.

"The big C?"

"Cancer" said the man, solemly.

"Well we have a space for you in gods kingdom, please enter and enjoy unknown spoils for all eternity" said Peter, opening the gates.

Just then a old lady appeared on the expanse of white clouds before Peter.

"What brings you here, my dear?"

"St. Peter, I lived a long, happy life, but it was ultimately ended by the big H"

"The big H?"

"Heart attack" she replied.

"Well we have a space for you in gods kingdom, please enter and enjoy unknown spoils for all eternity" said Peter, opening the gates

In a blinding flash of light a dishelved young lady with bruises and a mini skirt appears in front of Peter.

"My poor child, you are so young. What brings you to the gates of our Lords kingdom?"

The young lady shifted around, clearly uncomfortable with the question.

"The big S" replied the young lady, softly.

"The big S?"

"Syphilis"

"But my child, you cannot die from Syphilis?"

"You can if you give it to Leroy!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36102 on:** August 31, 2021, 05:09:01 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36103 on:** August 31, 2021, 05:12:10 PM »

Doctors were asked if we should reopen the country. Here's what the experts said:

Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!”

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter.”

Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in parliament.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36104 on:** August 31, 2021, 05:18:57 PM »

Mr. Smith was a bad golfer, but God help him, he still loved to play the game. One weekend morning, his wife couldn't look after their son, so he agreed to bring him along, and have him act as his caddy.

When they got to the course, he pulled his son aside and handed him a scorecard.

"Here's the scorecard Timmy. I need to you write down the number I tell you for each hole, OK?"

"OK Daddy!" His son replied.

So they went out and boy, oh boy was it a bad day for Mr. Smith. Every other shot, it seemed, went into the rough, a sand trap or somewhere other than where he wanted. After a long, hot arduous round, he was ready to hit the 19th hole...but first he had to get the score.

"Ok Timmy, what do you have my score at for today?"

His son pulled out the scorecard and counted up the total and said "I have you with a 72 dad."

"72? That's amazing! That's like 50 strokes lower than my average. Are you sure you wrote down the number I said for every hole?"

"Yeah, you yelled 'Four!' on every hole."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36105 on:** August 31, 2021, 05:40:57 PM »

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country already have real jobs, like driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36106 on:** August 31, 2021, 06:17:18 PM »

Contempt Of Court

Having had to take the day off work to appear in court for a minor traffic summons, the man was growing increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard.

Finally, late in the afternoon, his case was called. He stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned until the next day, and he would have to return.

"What!" What for?" he yelled at the judge.

His Honor, equally irritated by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "That will be twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's what for!"

Noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge added, "That's all right. You don't have to pay right now."

The man replied, "Oh, I'm just looking to see if I have enough for two more words!"

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #36107 on:** August 31, 2021, 07:26:09 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on August 31, 2021, 04:29:28 PM

Still no word, worldwide, of any political figure dying from Covid, ... yet.

Plenty in this list, Kev!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_deaths_due_to_COVID-19

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36108 on:** August 31, 2021, 07:57:34 PM »

Obviously, it has been kept quiet.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36109 on:** August 31, 2021, 08:14:35 PM »

NTRebel · « **Reply #36110 on:** August 31, 2021, 08:18:03 PM »

And most of the Chinese ones would've been killed by the government not covid.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36111 on:** August 31, 2021, 08:26:50 PM »

By the time you're eighty five years old, you've learned everything.

But have forgotten how to apply it.

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #36112 on:** August 31, 2021, 08:33:51 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on August 31, 2021, 07:57:34 PM

Obviously, it has been kept quiet.

Cos' it doesn't fit with the anti-vaxxer conspiracy theories, Kev!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36113 on:** August 31, 2021, 11:00:36 PM »

Could be, could be...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36114 on:** August 31, 2021, 11:17:44 PM »

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for five years.

I don't like to interrupt her.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36115 on:** September 01, 2021, 02:17:11 AM »

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."
Dan said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36116 on:** September 01, 2021, 07:40:25 AM »

Sorta fogged in here at the moment. Will be looking at around 20 degrees here later today.
8 degrees at 730am, feels like 4.7.

NTRebel · « **Reply #36117 on:** September 01, 2021, 07:44:53 AM »

7am here and 8.1 feels like 5.1.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36118 on:** September 01, 2021, 07:47:56 AM »

Yep, Paul ... and 33 degrees for you later today.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36119 on:** September 01, 2021, 07:55:46 AM »

WHOA! ... mouse in the house! My cats are concentrating on the space under the freezer, (they love to play hide and squeek!)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36120 on:** September 01, 2021, 08:07:29 AM »

At an Australian parliament meeting, some guy was shouting at the PM, and ScoMo asked:

"Who are you?"

"I am a country member!"

"Oh yeah, now I remember!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36121 on:** September 01, 2021, 08:19:47 AM »

As they stood on top of The Eiffel Tower watching a beautiful sunset, he dropped down on one knee and said, “Honey?”
She gasped audibly and said, “Yeah?”

He said, “Help me! My replacement knee is magnetic.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36122 on:** September 01, 2021, 08:28:14 AM »

Don't believe everything you read in public toilets.

Sharon was not up for a good time, and it was a very awkward phone call

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36123 on:** September 01, 2021, 08:29:47 AM »

Text Conversation:

Boy: I heard your boyfriend just passed away?

Girl: Yes, his funeral will be on Saturday.

Boy: Oh, please accept my sympathies.

Girl: Thank you. It's been hard on me lately, as you can tell.

Boy: You think I can become your boyfriend's replacement? (blush)

Girl: Hmm, I dunno. Let me ask the funeral home later today.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36124 on:** September 01, 2021, 08:36:01 AM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5862098 times)