Post by: Kev Murphy on January 24, 2015, 11:07:00 AM
:Stirpot :grin
Post by: Lionel on January 24, 2015, 01:04:39 PM
Not confronting for me, Kev.
I really enjoy your cartoons, jokes; political satire included.
What I find annoying is when some other readers hijack your work to try to score political points. :OldMan
The point I make is that this is a motorcycling forum; who needs political angst?
However, I'd rather suffer the bores than miss out on your humour. :-++
Post by: Lionel on January 24, 2015, 07:38:55 PM
Post by: Abe on January 24, 2015, 07:42:37 PM
".. or Politicians.. You won't find any of that here... its too confronting for some hand-wringers."
Not confronting for me, Kev.
I really enjoy your cartoons, jokes; political satire included.
What I find annoying is when some other readers hijack your work to try to score political points. :OldMan
The point I make is that this is a motorcycling forum; who needs political angst?
However, I'd rather suffer the bores than miss out on your humour. :-++
Well said Lionel :thumbs
Post by: Biggles on January 25, 2015, 09:09:17 PM
([url]http://i154.photobucket.com/albums/s277/cool_blue_ice_2002/anims/Camo.gif[/url])
One of your more clever ones. I actually had to think a "little while" to get it. :grin
Post by: Shiney on January 25, 2015, 09:11:14 PM
Post by: Biggles on January 25, 2015, 09:11:53 PM
([url]http://i154.photobucket.com/albums/s277/cool_blue_ice_2002/anims/Clearasil.gif[/url])
Well, at least he's an African, so you're safe locally. And it's a historical item evidenced by the cash register.
PASS.
;-*
Post by: Shiney on January 27, 2015, 06:05:49 PM
Cards for all occasions....
([url]http://i154.photobucket.com/albums/s277/cool_blue_ice_2002/cards.gif[/url])
I'm amazed they still have any Get Stuffed cards left, the local shop is always sold out :eek
Post by: JuST Peter on January 27, 2015, 08:13:54 PM
Post by: StinkyPete on January 29, 2015, 02:19:31 PM
Post by: Shiney on January 29, 2015, 07:24:30 PM
Post by: Biggles on January 30, 2015, 12:08:26 PM
Post by: Brock on January 31, 2015, 10:27:09 PM
2 hours sin bin for cruelty to Pingwings
Post by: STeveo on February 05, 2015, 05:16:06 PM
Please note... this is a non-denominational statement...
Aussie horse transporter
([url]http://i154.photobucket.com/albums/s277/cool_blue_ice_2002/Aussie%20cattle%20truck.jpg[/url])
:rofl :crackup Oh, so true!
Post by: Brock on February 08, 2015, 02:15:08 PM
Post by: Brock on February 09, 2015, 02:48:57 PM
o:)
Post by: Biggles on February 11, 2015, 06:11:50 PM
I'm amazed the camels are willing to sit there. I thought they were far too stroppy to behave that well.
They sure know how to exhibit "attitude".
Is that mini-cam's head on the tail gate?
Post by: Biggles on February 11, 2015, 06:12:58 PM
Beware of e-Bay scams.
I thought I was getting a bargain!
Serves you right for buying your alcohol on eBay.
Post by: Shiney on February 11, 2015, 10:16:10 PM
Keep them coming :thumbs
Post by: Shiney on February 11, 2015, 10:30:00 PM
Post by: Wild Rose on February 12, 2015, 05:52:44 AM
Kitchen Appliance Sale!
([url]http://i154.photobucket.com/albums/s277/cool_blue_ice_2002/Dishwashers.jpg[/url])
:grin :thumb I'm saying nothing :fp
Post by: StinkyPete on February 12, 2015, 07:30:35 AM
Post by: StinkyPete on February 12, 2015, 07:52:22 AM
Post by: Biggles on February 12, 2015, 08:00:29 AM
Post by: Biggles on February 18, 2015, 12:15:02 PM
My favourite flight attendant... if you can't keep up with her banter, text is onscreen
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxNrizGdhtY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxNrizGdhtY)
Legendary!
The Virgin F/As in Oz tried stunts like this for a while but nowhere near as clever.
I think they were told to get funnier or follow the script.
Post by: Williamson on February 27, 2015, 06:12:28 PM
Honey?... put a litre of oil in the engine when you refuel?
Yep!... She's Blonde!
([url]http://i154.photobucket.com/albums/s277/cool_blue_ice_2002/add%20oil.gif[/url])
And she does it again and again and again ........ that's really blonde.
Post by: Biggles on February 27, 2015, 08:22:57 PM
Obviously none of the film crew were volunteering their cars for an oil bath! :wink1
Post by: Biggles on March 06, 2015, 10:40:02 AM
([url]http://i154.photobucket.com/albums/s277/cool_blue_ice_2002/toilet%20brush.jpg[/url])
Def one of your better ones?
Who posed for your photo?
And that's one weird porcelain throne! Seems to be built back-to-front.
Post by: saaz on March 08, 2015, 09:51:43 PM
Attempting to sneak back on board ship at three o'clock in the morning following a heavy drinking ashore, a sailor was dismayed to find the chief petty officer waiting for him. With the sailor unable to provide a good excuse for being late, he was issued with an immediate punishment. "Take this broom," ordered the CPO, "and sweep every link on this anchor chain by daybreak."
The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep but as he did so, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor gestured at the sea bird to leave, but it refused to move. So he picked the tern off the broom handle and tossed it out of the way. However, a few minutes later, the tern returned, once again and the sailor was obliged to toss the bird overboard.
This battle of wills continued throughout the night. Each time the tern landed on the broom handle, the sailor tossed it aside, only for it to come back a couple minutes later. He was so distracted by the bird that he was unable to get much cleaning done as he could only sweep at the links once or twice before the bird reappeared.
As dawn broke, the CPO arrived to check up on the sailor's progress. He was not impressed. "What have you been doing all night?" he barked. "This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What's your explanation?"
"I'm sorry," said the sailor, "but i tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link."
Post by: Brock on March 08, 2015, 10:21:32 PM
Post by: Biggles on March 09, 2015, 12:32:37 AM
You're right saaz. This thread had to go into Groaner territory eventually.
:||||
Post by: Wild Rose on March 09, 2015, 07:11:37 AM
Post by: WendyL on March 09, 2015, 04:14:59 PM
Post by: Z900owner on March 10, 2015, 08:14:05 AM
The Aussie steals 3 pastries and slips them into his pocket. He turns to the Maori and says “pretty slick, eh bro, the owner didn’t even see me”.
Unimpressed the Maori replies “typical dishonest Aussie, bro I’m gonna show you the honest way and still get the same result”.
The Maori calls out to the owner of the shop and says, “bro, I want to show you a magic trick”.
Intrigued, the owner agrees.
The Maori asks him for a pastry and he eats it. He asks for another and eats that too. And another which he eats also.
By now the owner is a little annoyed and says “c’mon mate, where’s the magic trick?”
The Maori replies “now check his pockets” pointing to the Aussie.
Post by: Pezzz on March 10, 2015, 10:33:58 AM
An Aussie and a Maori walk into a bakery.
The Aussie steals 3 pastries and slips them into his pocket. He turns to the Maori and says “pretty slick, eh bro, the owner didn’t even see me”.
Unimpressed the Maori replies “typical dishonest Aussie, bro I’m gonna show you the honest way and still get the same result”.
The Maori calls out to the owner of the shop and says, “bro, I want to show you a magic trick”.
Intrigued, the owner agrees.
The Maori asks him for a pastry and he eats it. He asks for another and eats that too. And another which he eats also.
By now the owner is a little annoyed and says “c’mon mate, where’s the magic trick?”
The Maori replies “now check his pockets” pointing to the Aussie.
:rofl :rofl :rofl :crackup :crackup :crackup
That was a good one ....
Post by: Biggles on March 10, 2015, 11:11:39 AM
:rofl :rofl :rofl :crackup :crackup :crackup
That was a good one ....
You wouldn't be a Kiwi, would you? :p
Post by: Wild Rose on March 10, 2015, 02:10:32 PM
An Aussie and a Maori walk into a bakery.
The Aussie steals 3 pastries and slips them into his pocket. He turns to the Maori and says “pretty slick, eh bro, the owner didn’t even see me”.
Unimpressed the Maori replies “typical dishonest Aussie, bro I’m gonna show you the honest way and still get the same result”.
The Maori calls out to the owner of the shop and says, “bro, I want to show you a magic trick”.
Intrigued, the owner agrees.
The Maori asks him for a pastry and he eats it. He asks for another and eats that too. And another which he eats also.
By now the owner is a little annoyed and says “c’mon mate, where’s the magic trick?”
The Maori replies “now check his pockets” pointing to the Aussie.
:rofl :rofl :rofl :crackup :crackup :crackup
That was a good one ....
:clap :clap :clap :clap :like
Post by: Biggles on March 10, 2015, 03:57:01 PM
Very clever! :grin
Post by: Biggles on March 10, 2015, 09:41:39 PM
yeah, it's a bit obscure.... 10 minutes to modify and produce :grin
Put a "zig-zag" pointer on the speech balloon to the phone. That would make it clearer earlier that the voice is coming from the 911 operator. That contributed most of the initial confusion for me.
Post by: Brock on March 10, 2015, 10:12:43 PM
Post by: Biggles on March 10, 2015, 10:25:32 PM
After all, that's your audience. Not too many Yanks in here most days.
Post by: Pezzz on March 10, 2015, 11:51:15 PM
Nope but that was well played:rofl :rofl :rofl :crackup :crackup :crackup
That was a good one ....
You wouldn't be a Kiwi, would you? :p
Sent from my A500 using Tapatalk
Post by: StinkyPete on March 12, 2015, 06:55:34 AM
Post by: Old Steve on March 12, 2015, 11:15:23 AM
An Aussie and a Maori walk into a bakery.
A Maori taxi driver picked up a Texan at Sydney airport. "I've got four hours between flights, take me on a tour of Sydney," drawls the Texan.
So the Maori taxi driver takes the Texan to the Sydney Tower. "How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "Six years," says the Maori taxi driver.
"Goddamnit!" says the Texan, "I own a construction company in Texas and we'd build that in six months, eight months top!"
So the Maori Taxi driver takes the Texan down to Bennelong Point and shows him the Sydney Opera House. "How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "Fifteen years," says the Maori taxi driver.
"Goddamnit!" says the Texan, "My construction company in Texas would build that in two years, thirty months top!"
So the Maori taxi driver points across the harbour to Taronga Zoo and says, "Would you like to go over to North Sydney?"
"Yeah," says the Texan. The Maori taxi driver walks to the water's edge and starts stripping off his clothes. "What are you doing?" asks the Texan.
"Taking off my clothes," says the Maori taxi driver, "We have to swim over there."
"What about that bridge?" asks the Texan, pointing at Sydney's greatest landmark. "Why can't we just drive over?"
"Gee bro," says the Maori taxi driver, "That wasn't there yesterday!"
Post by: Biggles on March 15, 2015, 08:19:19 AM
The day finally arrives. Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, himself. The gates are closed, however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions:
1. What days of the week begin with the letter T?
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?"
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but...you do have a point, though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January the second, February the second, March the second..."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest replied, "Andy."
"OK, OK," said a frustrated St..Peter, "I guess I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the Sunday School song...
'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN' ".
Post by: Shiney on March 15, 2015, 08:28:01 AM
Post by: Z900owner on March 15, 2015, 11:10:33 AM
*YAWN*.... beautiful day.... where's my keys?
.. Careful, I have a memory like a watchamacallit
Lifew is like a box of :Chocies I have to pay that one!! :crackup :crackup :rofl :rofl :rofl
Post by: winston66 on March 23, 2015, 11:57:54 AM
Cheers ,
Winston66
Post by: Brock on March 25, 2015, 08:00:21 PM
But I would believe it
Post by: Biggles on March 25, 2015, 08:05:58 PM
Post by: spanner on March 27, 2015, 12:47:05 PM
Post by: Biggles on March 30, 2015, 08:17:12 PM
French tolerance towards Muslims... Street singer in France :rofl
The general opinion is the "singer" is a Romany (gypsy) rather than a Muslim.
It might be a fake, anyway.
The French translates to "Patience and time do more than power and rage". Not sure who's making what point.
Does make the assailant look like a bully who doesn't like his public mobile phone convos compromised.
Post by: spanner on March 31, 2015, 09:30:29 AM
Post by: STeveo on March 31, 2015, 03:37:19 PM
Post by: Biggles on March 31, 2015, 03:54:42 PM
An update on the Volvo joke. :thumb
Now that the Volvo image has changed. Many are sporty.
These days the "hats" are seen in Corollas and small Hyundais. The better off are in Honda Civics.
They're certainly spoiled for choice compared with 20 years ago!
Pick 'em from a mile off by the hat on the rear shelf and the rapid closing speed as you approach from behind.
Post by: Biggles on April 01, 2015, 11:01:00 AM
well, it IS the first of April? :grin
You definitely need more sleep!
Post by: Wild Rose on April 05, 2015, 06:43:28 AM
Post by: STroppy on April 05, 2015, 07:37:19 AM
The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor: “Please, tell my husband”.
The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week.
The 80 year old husband replies, “Which days?”
The doctor says, “How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday”.
The husband says, “I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she’ll have to take the bus”.
Post by: Biggles on April 07, 2015, 11:37:49 PM
Then I saw the cornice where a skirting board should be and then I wondered how the cat got up there.
I can understand it wanting to be as far away as possible while its master posts dodgy pix and jokes on forums... :grin
Have you downloaded "Dallas Buyers Club" Ken? Did you see tonight's TV news? Are you with TPG? :eek
Post by: Lionel on April 08, 2015, 09:46:34 AM
Usually, the loser in a civil court action is ordered to pay the legal costs of both parties. :H
Post by: Biggles on April 10, 2015, 10:02:20 AM
If you'r lucky it's a nice clean spoon. More often it's too disgusting for gloves. If it's getting corroded (as they do after 15 years in service) I bin it. They're $215 and the owner can start all over feeding it the wrong diet.
Post by: STeveo on April 14, 2015, 07:03:53 PM
Post by: alans1100 on April 14, 2015, 07:18:05 PM
Post by: Biggles on April 14, 2015, 09:23:16 PM
You have heard of 'Light and Easy?' ... I think I must be Heavy and Difficult.
Nah. Old and grumpy.
I'm your understudy.
Post by: STeveo on April 23, 2015, 08:14:48 AM
Post by: Biggles on April 23, 2015, 10:06:39 AM
Post by: STroppy on April 23, 2015, 01:54:20 PM
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework."Oh, mercy me! she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you
for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited!
Post by: Biggles on April 23, 2015, 02:50:00 PM
But I'd like to go to the fifth floor if I could afford it. :thumb
Post by: Biggles on April 23, 2015, 05:06:07 PM
Post by: STroppy on April 23, 2015, 06:45:56 PM
According to a phonecall just received from 'Michael' from Microsoft, my computer is doing bad things on the internet. 'Michael' says that they are monitoring their server, which is servicing the entire world wide web for malware, (WOW!) and my computer is being infected with a 'trojan virus' which is disrupting the Internet, and if I do not let them be fixing it for a small modest sum then they will be banning me from the internet immediately henceforth forthwith!
I asked 'Michael' ... "What's a computer?" .. and he got all flustered and hung up.
Damn.... and I was ready to play, too!
I tell them I have a Mac . . They're gone very quickly . .
Post by: STroppy on April 24, 2015, 06:13:16 PM
It’s said that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Known as Murphy’s Law it definitely applies to motorcycles and riding too. Here are some of the things that you hope will never happen on a motorcycle but somehow you know that they always will.
1. It’s a fact of life that a motorcycle cannot fall over without an audience. The odds of a motorcycle falling over are directly proportional to the number of people watching and the rider’s ego. If the motorcycle is new and expensive then the chances of this happening are even greater.
2. The chances of your helmet dropping to the concrete or asphalt is directly linked to how new it is and how much you paid for it.
3. The time your motorcycle is most likely to stall at a set of lights or intersection is approximately half a second after making eye contact with an attractive stranger.
4. You've just ridden through a thunderstorm. The rain was so heavy that you had to pull over to find somewhere to sit it out. Finally the sun has come out and you and your gear are now dry so you can set off. Five km down the road it starts to rain again.
5. The chances of you riding in the rain is directly related to how accessible your gear is, or if you have remembered to bring it with you in the first place.
6. If the weather looks threatening and you stop to put on your rain gear, it won't rain. If you don't, it will come down in torrents.
7. If you run out of fuel it doesn't matter which direction you push your bike, the nearest servo will always be uphill and in the opposite direction. The odds are increased that all nearby servos are closed.
8. The battery on your bike will die at the exact same time as something else breaks leading you to think for the next two weeks that the two things are somehow connected.
9. Nothing on this planet is harder to start than a used motorcycle being shown to prospective buyer. This is despite the bike firing up and running like a dream five minutes before the potential purchaser arrived.
10. You will never have a puncture on the road until you leave the repair kit at home in your garage.
11. The chances of finding accommodation while out on the road are directly related to how late in the day it is and what the weather is like. If it’s dark and raining you’re going to be riding a long time before you find anything suitable.
12. You've spent weeks in a parking lot practicing how to do a wheelie on your bike. You've now got it down to a fine art and know exactly what you are doing. First time you attempt it out on the road you pass a cop. He also happens to dislike motorcyclists.
13. You will inevitably find a gem of a country road with no traffic, beautiful scenery, excellent sweepers - and wildlife on the road.
14. When something goes wrong on your bike it will always happen in the sketchiest part of town or in the furthest, out of the way part of the country.
15. The one and only part that you really, really need for your motorcycle will be the only item that is on permanent back-order. How long it takes to eventually arrive is also proportional to how badly you want it.
Post by: JuST Peter on April 24, 2015, 08:05:13 PM
Murphys' Law as applied to myself...I thought you were going to say you rode over it :grin
I bought a shockproof, waterproof, fully automatic electronic Swiss incabloc movement digital divers watch....
Naturally, .. it caught fire.
...and if it was raining women, I would probably get washed down the drain with some gay guy...
Post by: Brock on April 26, 2015, 03:58:37 PM
Post by: Brock on April 26, 2015, 04:12:51 PM
Post by: Brock on April 26, 2015, 04:28:29 PM
(besides, it may keep you busy for a few minutes)
Post by: Brock on April 26, 2015, 07:26:35 PM
Post by: STroppy on April 29, 2015, 07:56:38 AM
service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the South West of Western Australia.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods of the South West, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
When you have stopped laughing be sure to forward this on to others who would enjoy a good story.
Post by: JuST Peter on May 01, 2015, 08:23:24 PM
He wasn't quite the full quid and always a stood back when there was work to be done, but liked the idea of having been given a nickname by his workmates…
They just didnt tell him it meant 'slow working dope'.
Post by: Biggles on May 01, 2015, 09:21:06 PM
Very clever!
Post by: STroppy on May 01, 2015, 09:21:50 PM
Post by: STeveo on May 03, 2015, 06:07:16 PM
Know a bloke who says of himself that 'he is a tail light, not bright enough to be a head light'.
Post by: STroppy on May 05, 2015, 08:50:47 PM
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little twit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink Is driving home from the city one night and, Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, Where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite A few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and Folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back,your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus Is dead and gone.I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
Post by: saaz on May 06, 2015, 12:16:53 PM
(http://i142.photobucket.com/albums/r92/saaz58/2015%20Bunya%20mountains/IMG_1243.jpg) (http://s142.photobucket.com/user/saaz58/media/2015%20Bunya%20mountains/IMG_1243.jpg.html)
Post by: Biggles on May 11, 2015, 08:22:59 PM
(http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/Pixtor/Cartoon%2050%20Shades%20of%20Hay_zpsuylunosw.jpg)
Post by: ppopeye on May 13, 2015, 06:14:34 PM
Somehow, I don't think the hose protectors will work in this instance... Nice try, tho'
([url]http://i1029.photobucket.com/albums/y352/kjm47/cid_image001_zps7o1yxmme.jpg[/url]) ([url]http://s1029.photobucket.com/user/kjm47/media/cid_image001_zps7o1yxmme.jpg.html[/url])
Nice
Post by: JuST Peter on May 14, 2015, 03:49:51 AM
A "Kevvie" Kartoon:That's classic ++
([url]http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e136/Pixtor/Cartoon%2050%20Shades%20of%20Hay_zpsuylunosw.jpg[/url])
Post by: Brock on May 15, 2015, 08:51:20 PM
:|||| :|||| :|||| :||||
Post by: Shiney on May 18, 2015, 01:36:52 AM
Post by: Biggles on May 19, 2015, 09:02:34 AM
Post by: Brock on May 22, 2015, 03:31:13 PM
Needs no explanation...and is a fun read no matter your gender.
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.. You almost never have strap problems in public You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color.. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Post by: saaz on May 26, 2015, 01:25:07 PM
http://www.canberratimes.com.au/lifestyle/life/breast-size-and-long-legs-dont-matter-what-men-really-look-for-in-women-20150526-gh9jtq (http://www.canberratimes.com.au/lifestyle/life/breast-size-and-long-legs-dont-matter-what-men-really-look-for-in-women-20150526-gh9jtq)
Post by: Biggles on May 27, 2015, 09:08:03 PM
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
Post by: Biggles on May 28, 2015, 08:39:56 AM
Post by: Biggles on May 31, 2015, 08:21:24 PM
No doubt another by-product of Facebook's friend-to-friend information service.
Post by: Shiney on June 02, 2015, 01:11:46 AM
Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk
Post by: Biggles on June 02, 2015, 01:06:51 PM
Love the "recovering deer". Looks like the healing might be slow.
Post by: Brock on June 09, 2015, 06:33:41 PM
Post by: saaz on June 10, 2015, 05:44:21 PM
OK, I know my sense of humour is twisted, but I think Alan will get a kick from this...maybe?
([url]http://i1029.photobucket.com/albums/y352/kjm47/Alan_zpsazkxpwzj.mp4[/url])
Post by: Shiney on June 14, 2015, 06:18:52 PM
That is AWESOME!
Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk
Post by: JuST Peter on June 14, 2015, 07:48:06 PM
([url]http://i1029.photobucket.com/albums/y352/kjm47/last%20chance_zpstnry6rih.gif[/url]) ([url]http://s1029.photobucket.com/user/kjm47/media/last%20chance_zpstnry6rih.gif.html[/url])
This is quite correct. It happened to me the other night. I made a faux pas, and got the "WHAT!" and couldn't/didnt think fast enough :eek
Post by: Brock on June 15, 2015, 05:43:42 PM
Not bad but :beer
Post by: Biggles on June 15, 2015, 06:23:05 PM
Quote
WAy too much time on your hands Kev...
That barely describes it! 448 frames individually coloured! Sheesh, I thought it was corny in B&W. :grin
Post by: Biggles on June 16, 2015, 09:55:52 AM
Post by: STroppy on June 18, 2015, 08:09:47 PM
Post by: Biggles on June 18, 2015, 08:20:09 PM
The Courts said that she was entitled to half....
https://au.news.yahoo.com/a/28493367/bitter-ex-literally-puts-half-his-stuff-on-ebay/
Whooo! That guy is really into revenge!
It's also described as "cutting off your nose to spite your face".
Post by: STeveo on June 23, 2015, 06:22:33 PM
AW, Gee whiz!... PayPal has suspended my non-existent account AGAIN! .. this is 4 times in 6 months!Had that one a few times. First time the phrasing was not quite right so I went to my paypal account through the normal channel and surprise, surprise, all is normal. Another scam I've had is they send you an incorrect invoice for someone else and ask you to log in to correct the 'mistake'. Bloody wankers!
(I don't have a credit card, how could it be linked to my non-account?)
PayPal Today at 12:35 PM
Dеаг Vаluеd ΡауΡаl Customег,
Οuг ѕесuгіtу ѕуѕtеm dеtесtеd unuѕuаl сhагgеѕ tο а сгеdіt-сагd lіnkеd tο уοuг ΡауΡаl ассοunt.
Сuггеntlу, уοuг ассοunt hаѕ bееn lіmіtеd duе tο thе fοllοwіng геаѕοn:
Ѕuѕρісіοuѕ асtіνіtіеѕ hаѕ tгіggегеd οuг ѕесuгіtу ѕуѕtеm whісh ѕhοwѕ thаt аn unаuthοгіzеd uѕег
tгіеd tο ассеѕѕ уοuг ΡауΡаl ассοunt wіthοut уοuг сοnѕеnt. Тο еnѕuге gгеаtег ѕесuгіtу, wе hаνе
lіmіtеd ассеѕѕ tο уοuг ассοunt. Wе hаνе ѕеnt уοu аn аttасhmеnt сοntаіnіng thе nесеѕѕагу ѕtеρѕ
іn οгdег tο геѕtοге уοuг ассοunt ассеѕѕ. Ѕіmρlу dοwnlοаd аnd νіеw іt іn уοuг wеЬ Ьгοwѕег.
Ρlеаѕе dο undегѕtаnd thаt thіѕ іѕ а ѕесuгіtу mеаѕuге іntеndеd tο ρгοtесt уοu аnd уοuг
ассοunt. Wе аροlοgіzе fοг аnу іnсοnνеnіеnсе.
Тhаnk уοu,
ΡауΡаl Αссοunt Rеνіеw Team
Post by: Flip on June 24, 2015, 01:49:23 AM
AW, Gee whiz!... PayPal has suspended my non-existent account AGAIN! .. this is 4 times in 6 months!Had that one a few times. First time the phrasing was not quite right so I went to my paypal account through the normal channel and surprise, surprise, all is normal. Another scam I've had is they send you an incorrect invoice for someone else and ask you to log in to correct the 'mistake'. Bloody wankers!
(I don't have a credit card, how could it be linked to my non-account?)
PayPal Today at 12:35 PM
Dеаг Vаluеd ΡауΡаl Customег,
Οuг ѕесuгіtу ѕуѕtеm dеtесtеd unuѕuаl сhагgеѕ tο а сгеdіt-сагd lіnkеd tο уοuг ΡауΡаl ассοunt.
Сuггеntlу, уοuг ассοunt hаѕ bееn lіmіtеd duе tο thе fοllοwіng геаѕοn:
Ѕuѕρісіοuѕ асtіνіtіеѕ hаѕ tгіggегеd οuг ѕесuгіtу ѕуѕtеm whісh ѕhοwѕ thаt аn unаuthοгіzеd uѕег
tгіеd tο ассеѕѕ уοuг ΡауΡаl ассοunt wіthοut уοuг сοnѕеnt. Тο еnѕuге gгеаtег ѕесuгіtу, wе hаνе
lіmіtеd ассеѕѕ tο уοuг ассοunt. Wе hаνе ѕеnt уοu аn аttасhmеnt сοntаіnіng thе nесеѕѕагу ѕtеρѕ
іn οгdег tο геѕtοге уοuг ассοunt ассеѕѕ. Ѕіmρlу dοwnlοаd аnd νіеw іt іn уοuг wеЬ Ьгοwѕег.
Ρlеаѕе dο undегѕtаnd thаt thіѕ іѕ а ѕесuгіtу mеаѕuге іntеndеd tο ρгοtесt уοu аnd уοuг
ассοunt. Wе аροlοgіzе fοг аnу іnсοnνеnіеnсе.
Тhаnk уοu,
ΡауΡаl Αссοunt Rеνіеw Team
YEP ! Same - same here. Got the same 'Paypal' email a couple of days ago.
LOVE to be able to somehow send whoever a nasty virus or something like that.
Sent a copy off to PayPal and got their usual 'form' email back this morning.
When I get that US $14 million in my bank account from the lovely bank manager in Nigeria, (or was it South Africa ???) might use some of the $14 million to hire someone to hunt down these scammers and break their keyboards.
Flip
:wht11
Post by: STeveo on June 24, 2015, 07:41:15 AM
Post by: spanner on June 25, 2015, 03:50:56 PM
Post by: StinkyPete on June 25, 2015, 08:44:11 PM
Post by: STeveo on June 26, 2015, 10:30:22 AM
Post by: STeveo on June 28, 2015, 07:08:05 PM
Post by: ppopeye on June 28, 2015, 07:12:13 PM
Sent from my iPad
Post by: STroppy on June 30, 2015, 09:50:28 PM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass - then things just keep getting worse..
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Post by: STeveo on July 04, 2015, 07:47:14 AM
Post by: Biggles on July 04, 2015, 12:57:47 PM
While shopping, I spotted a girl with a safety pin through her eyebrow!
...I didn't know that eyebrows could fall off?
Nah. It's so she knows where to start the cosmetics application in the morning.
She's so "off her face" she needs a marker. |-i :grin
Post by: STroppy on July 17, 2015, 09:01:26 PM
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news, and I have some bad news.
The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.
The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million.”
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers : “ The pictures are of you and your secretary .”
Post by: Brock on July 22, 2015, 08:29:43 PM
Possibly a bit too norty :OldMan :well :well
Post by: WendyL on July 23, 2015, 05:28:22 PM
Post by: Biggles on July 23, 2015, 06:08:28 PM
Kev, I missed it. If it was too norty for Brock I need to see it. Can you please PM it to me? :crackup
Nah. It was only politically naughty. Or very norty if you're a Bronnie B fan.
Post by: STroppy on July 23, 2015, 08:48:54 PM
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours?
"Yeah they are all mine," the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Terry."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Terry, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?
Their Mother replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell "Terry" and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch
"I call them by their surnames!"
Post by: STroppy on July 24, 2015, 06:33:00 PM
Dear Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband un-installed many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV.
Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate housewife
Dear Desperate housewife,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update.
If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer.
Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.
In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.
Good Luck,
Tech Support.
Post by: Biggles on July 25, 2015, 11:47:48 AM
Still. Wouldn't want to go behind bars. Too hard to get a ride done!
Post by: Biggles on July 26, 2015, 05:44:49 PM
Post by: STroppy on July 26, 2015, 09:05:04 PM
Post by: Biggles on July 29, 2015, 12:02:42 PM
Just my feelings...
It's possible you're not alone...
Post by: Philbo on July 30, 2015, 06:35:37 AM
Phibo
Post by: Gadget on July 30, 2015, 07:28:38 AM
My opinion is only losers boo.
It is pure sportsmanship to boo, and even poorer form to do it no matter what the player does.
The field is Adam's workplace and if I did that in my workplace, to anyone, I'd be done for bullying.
Kind of makes me glad I don't follow AFL.
Post by: ST2UP on August 01, 2015, 12:54:03 PM
:law
Post by: Flip on August 02, 2015, 11:37:06 PM
Flip
:wht11
Post by: STeveo on August 03, 2015, 08:02:45 AM
Post by: STeveo on August 06, 2015, 06:26:13 PM
for my daughters birthday I got her an iPod,
my birthday I got an iPad,
for my mother I got an iMac.
So thinking along the same lines I got my wife an iRon, and that's when the fight started.
Post by: Shiney on August 12, 2015, 07:33:43 PM
Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk
Post by: Biggles on August 12, 2015, 08:54:15 PM
Life isn't always just, but nice when it gets it right like this. :thumb
Post by: StinkyPete on August 15, 2015, 10:38:41 PM
https://youtu.be/_TcZikqG654
I nearly wet myself laughing :rofl :rofl
Post by: richo on August 15, 2015, 11:06:53 PM
Post by: Brock on August 16, 2015, 01:14:27 PM
Post by: Wild Rose on August 16, 2015, 02:18:37 PM
Post by: STeveo on August 17, 2015, 07:38:40 PM
Post by: Biggles on August 19, 2015, 08:51:24 PM
"Doc," he says, "here's the problem. I think I'm a moth."
"Well," says the doctor, "that certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?"
"The light was on."
Post by: Shiney on August 19, 2015, 09:20:30 PM
Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk
Post by: winston66 on August 20, 2015, 05:23:31 PM
How do some single females get pregnant?
Answer.
I guess that they just get screwed.
Cheers, winston66
Post by: Kev Murphy on August 25, 2015, 01:50:45 PM
“No, No, you must not give up your seat!.. Sit down! ..I insist!” she said.
The man replied; “You may insist as much as you like, Lady,
... but this is my stop where I get off.”
Post by: STeveo on August 25, 2015, 03:43:20 PM
Post by: Biggles on August 25, 2015, 05:08:18 PM
Post by: NTRebel on August 26, 2015, 12:00:48 AM
You're on a roll, Kev.
Post by: Biggles on August 26, 2015, 09:59:33 AM
Post by: spanner on August 26, 2015, 01:53:11 PM
The other replied "I work for Cunard!"
took me a while but I finally got it!
good one.
:beer
Post by: StinkyPete on August 26, 2015, 03:22:29 PM
Post by: Biggles on August 26, 2015, 09:55:36 PM
So what did the ten eat?
The image boggles the mind :crazy
Post by: Brock on August 26, 2015, 10:00:03 PM
Post by: Biggles on September 01, 2015, 09:19:10 PM
Just don't do it every month!! :-(((
Post by: Shiney on September 04, 2015, 11:02:19 AM
Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk
Post by: STroppy on September 05, 2015, 08:35:47 PM
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing
Post by: STroppy on September 05, 2015, 08:54:17 PM
Get a glass of wine sit back and enjoy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCsHF7BgwPE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCsHF7BgwPE)
Post by: Brock on September 06, 2015, 05:59:49 PM
Post by: Biggles on September 07, 2015, 01:36:41 PM
oh, by the way, my phone bill is currently more than $100 in credit...
([url]http://i1029.photobucket.com/albums/y352/kjm47/Image1_zps7dm7jol3.jpg[/url])
How do you get that??
Do you have some kind of hi-tech communications solar panels?
Post by: Biggles on September 07, 2015, 04:09:37 PM
Nah!.. just a strict payment regime, where I send more than demanded and stay in front.
Currently, my rent is paid until end of November, and my electricity is $410.70 credit
Not my style. I'd have the money in my ING account getting 3.5% rather than give it to someone to hold for me.
Post by: STroppy on September 13, 2015, 09:53:02 AM
The lady was a southern woman who attended church services and taught Sunday School every week.
One Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, “How about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?”
“Why yes, that would be nice”, the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn’t believe his luck.
On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in town. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, “Would you like a cocktail before dinner?”
“Oh, no,” said the fine example of southern womanhood. “What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?”
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn’t say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, “Would you like a smoke?”
“Oh my goodness no,” said the woman. “I couldn’t face my Sunday School class if I did!”
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left and got into his car. As he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He’d been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, “Ahhh, hhhhmmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?”
“Sure, that would be nice,” she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn’t believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most
incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin’ lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, “What have I done?”
He shook her awake and pleaded, “I’ve got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”
The lady said, “The same thing I always tell them, ‘You don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time.’”
Post by: spanner on September 16, 2015, 08:58:15 AM
Post by: Bloodman on September 18, 2015, 04:14:49 PM
:bl11
Post by: StinkyPete on September 24, 2015, 03:05:46 PM
Post by: Brock on September 24, 2015, 08:17:23 PM
Oh thats right, i was going to send it tomorrow (maybe)
Post by: Brock on September 26, 2015, 06:39:19 PM
Murphy to the Norty corner......
:well :||||
Time for a rest Kev......
The jokes are getting.... :eek :eek :eek
Post by: Shiney on September 27, 2015, 07:40:18 AM
Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk
Post by: NTRebel on September 27, 2015, 10:44:36 AM
Post by: StinkyPete on September 27, 2015, 03:57:00 PM
Post by: Biggles on September 29, 2015, 12:00:53 PM
Post by: Shiney on October 01, 2015, 04:17:47 PM
Post by: WendyL on October 01, 2015, 04:56:32 PM
Damn near spat coffee all over my keyboard......
Post by: WendyL on October 02, 2015, 03:39:05 PM
Post by: Williamson on October 02, 2015, 06:04:52 PM
Now, this could be fun... chess in an Irish pub.
([url]http://i1029.photobucket.com/albums/y352/kjm47/irish%20pub_zpsmd1vcvkm.jpg[/url])
Can't see any Guinness ......
Post by: Biggles on October 02, 2015, 09:10:46 PM
Encourages a fast game- no one wants to drink flat beer.
That's why the king and queen are spirits. :grin
Post by: Williamson on October 02, 2015, 09:21:19 PM
Post by: StinkyPete on October 06, 2015, 07:50:42 AM
Post by: STeveo on October 08, 2015, 05:30:30 PM
Post by: Biggles on October 09, 2015, 09:28:51 AM
Speaking of flies, I often put this animation on my second screen.
It keeps my cats entertained for ages...
([url]http://i1029.photobucket.com/albums/y352/kjm47/blowfly_zpslmb2yw4d.gif[/url])
Kept me going for a minute also. Was hoping fort another story. :grin
Post by: ppopeye on October 09, 2015, 09:01:44 PM
It's those blondes again. (I know its been done before)
Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door Neighbour’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?"
The blonde says "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.
One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively.
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.
The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one
Blonde Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
Post by: STeveo on October 10, 2015, 12:01:36 PM
Post by: spanner on October 13, 2015, 01:14:45 PM
Post by: Biggles on October 15, 2015, 01:43:15 PM
Post by: Biggles on October 15, 2015, 03:14:28 PM
Doc said they could pump my knee with silicone, but it would have to be done every four months, at a cost of around 10k per visit.
I told the Doc that I could buy a whole tube of silicone at Bunnings for under $3 ??
But you also have to buy a sterile drill bit to apply it internally.
AND a dowel plug to keep it in.
AND the optional local anaesthetic.
Post by: alans1100 on October 15, 2015, 03:34:31 PM
Heather had a general anaesthetic when hers was done. Had the keyhole thing done first but not much improvement so doc put her on waiting list for knee replacement ....... 12 months later it was done at Port Pirie hospital.
AND the optional local anaesthetic.
The same doc is going to take the screws out from her previous broken leg when she had the rod put in. The rod will stay but the screws near the ankle will come out.
Post by: alans1100 on October 15, 2015, 05:33:06 PM
Post by: Biggles on October 15, 2015, 09:16:41 PM
Heather not impressed with the dentist video
What's her problem? There's a budget to be met here... :well
Post by: gaz on October 17, 2015, 10:37:43 AM
Post by: alans1100 on October 17, 2015, 12:44:12 PM
Hmmm..... current posts, 1466I was 10.5 years old then........learnt pounds etc. in school then had to forget all that and work in Dollars.
Random thought
... brings to mind the introduction of decimal currency in Australia, remember the old jingle? "...on the 14th of February 1966..."
Quote
Lets see now, what was I doing at that time?... oh yeah, complaining about compulsory Saturday overtime as an apprentice, because it limited my weekend road rides on Sunday to short local trips because no petrol stations were open... (if weather was too windy to skydive)Where were you living then? We moved to Adelaide in 1965 and I remember all the 24 hour stations at Cavan (only one or two left now) and the Golden Mile at Darlington (only few left now)
Post by: Wild Rose on October 18, 2015, 04:15:28 AM
Also by my posting I spent quite a bit of time awake at night but it is not because of my biological clock but because of my job as a train driver. We operate 24/7
And I seem to get more than my fair share of night work :well
Post by: Wild Rose on October 18, 2015, 04:34:11 AM
Post by: Biggles on October 18, 2015, 08:25:52 PM
Pakistani Kenworth tipper. Needs more donkey power ... or a bigger ass...
([url]http://i1029.photobucket.com/albums/y352/kjm47/tipper_zpst3dnx8e1.mp4[/url])
Very clever- it's working perfectly. The operator removes the little item that put the C of G ahead of the axle, then applies a small upward force on the shaft and bingo! Taliban tiptruck!
Post by: Biggles on October 19, 2015, 10:49:30 AM
I always thought air was free, until I bought a packet of crisps the other day :popcorn
The bags have that much air in them to provide protection for the chips, ya nong! :p
Would you prefer a flat pack of chip fragments?
Post by: STeveo on October 29, 2015, 04:49:42 PM
Post by: STroppy on November 10, 2015, 06:56:37 PM
Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossele to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossele tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossele replied, "I think she got fired, too."
Post by: WendyL on November 12, 2015, 10:58:43 AM
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied
The survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark
And they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just
The tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few
Times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat Them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied,
"Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"
:eek :eek :eek
Post by: ppopeye on November 14, 2015, 06:25:15 PM
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa”. Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500”. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn”.
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
…And you thought blondes were dumb.
Sent from my iPad
Post by: Shiney on November 15, 2015, 04:33:59 PM
Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk
Post by: Brock on November 21, 2015, 01:04:21 PM
:like
Post by: Biggles on November 21, 2015, 01:13:08 PM
you're definitely "different".
:grin
Post by: ppopeye on November 24, 2015, 06:39:39 PM
Post by: STeveo on November 25, 2015, 06:36:23 AM
Post by: Williamson on November 25, 2015, 10:10:13 PM
I think it's time that you found a new source for some of your material. Some of it (IMHO anyway) just ain't funny.
Cheers, Michael
Post by: Kev Murphy on November 26, 2015, 12:37:42 AM
But, Just for you, I have removed all my posts from the thread. 23 pages worth.
However, I left everyone else's contributions to the thread for your perusal.
Maybe you would like to test their offerings to see if they meet your approval?
.Kev
Post by: STeveo on November 26, 2015, 07:34:36 AM
Post by: WendyL on November 26, 2015, 09:22:26 AM
Post by: StinkyPete on November 26, 2015, 09:37:04 AM
Post by: spanner on November 26, 2015, 09:51:49 AM
FFS people ........ If you don't like the humour don't open the thread.
PS. the only ones I find off putting are the racist ones but that is my sense of morality and not yours . This is a thread I KNOW and UNDERSTAND will have posts that are not aligned with my sense of humour but I am willing to let those pass through to the keeper ( our moderators) who will either allow the offending post or delete the offending post.
Ignore those who send you PMs complaining.
Post by: Wild Rose on November 26, 2015, 10:27:05 AM
Kev keep them coming we need a good laugh ocasionally to keep us sane
I don't like them all but I scroll over to the good ones
Post by: Biggles on November 26, 2015, 11:36:51 AM
Post by: Gadget on November 26, 2015, 12:23:59 PM
Post by: NTRebel on November 26, 2015, 12:53:51 PM
Put your posts back in Kev. If certain members don't want to read your funnies, they don't have to open the thread. There are may of us who enjoy our daily giggle. Yes, some are funnier than others, but if you don't find a particular one funny, close the thread and move on....not difficult.
Post by: Brock on November 26, 2015, 06:05:44 PM
Some of the jokes were good, some not so good, and some after discussion with Kev were removed (Cos thats what I get paid to do :grin :grin :grin ). At least, in here you would know what to expect
I will now close this thread.