Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3379633 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17175 on:** March 17, 2020, 08:12:46 PM »

Toyota are horrified that car sales have plummeted in the past month or so...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17176 on:** March 17, 2020, 10:02:57 PM »

Jesus doesn't like manicures.

He's not getting nailed again!

Nothing worse than getting hammered for Easter.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17177 on:** March 17, 2020, 10:05:23 PM »

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.......
After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair and instructs the barber how to cut the boy's hair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, "Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17178 on:** March 17, 2020, 11:29:47 PM »

A little girl was walking on a frozen lake when she saw a wolf who had fallen in a hole in the ice and was drowning.
The girl, having a pure heart, runs to it, kneels down, plunges her arms in the icy water, grabs the wolf's tail at the very last moment, and pulls, pulls, pulls until she manages to bring the poor animal back on the ice shelf.

At that moment, the wolf changes into a prince. The girl becomes ecstatic : "Woooow you're sooo beautiful !!!"

And the prince replies : "Thank you sweetheart, but would you be kind enough and let go now ?"

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #17179 on:** March 17, 2020, 11:51:08 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on March 17, 2020, 12:41:12 PM

Mobility scooter had a flat tyre near my place.

Wouldn't happen to me...my mobility scooter has run flat tyres!

Brock · « **Reply #17180 on:** March 17, 2020, 11:55:45 PM »

Quote

my mobility scooter has run flat tyres

I would run em at maybe 5 PSI if going off road, but I dont think running em flat is good for long life...

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #17181 on:** March 18, 2020, 12:01:11 AM »

They'll actually solid tyres, Brock!

No way to put any air in whatsoever...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17182 on:** March 18, 2020, 01:55:45 AM »

So, the “Wolf of Wall Street” movie has the f-word used 569 times, making it almost 3 times per minute.

That record was broken by my neighbour yesterday afternoon, while he was trying to assemble an ikea tv stand.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17183 on:** March 18, 2020, 02:11:53 AM »

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse, and 24 million dollars."

The grandchild, was absolutely floored, and said, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook games ..."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17184 on:** March 18, 2020, 02:14:29 AM »

The Prague Skydiving club couldn't afford proper equipment, and their Czechs bounced....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17185 on:** March 18, 2020, 02:37:47 AM »

Can I sell kayak equipment if my dog peed on it?

or in other words ... Can I peddle a paddle if it's in a puddle of poodle piddle?

Bodø · « **Reply #17186 on:** March 18, 2020, 04:07:30 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17187 on:** March 18, 2020, 06:30:37 AM »

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he might use twice a year while getting drunk.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17188 on:** March 18, 2020, 10:42:07 AM »

A customer in a pet shop asked “Have you got any kittens going cheap?”

“No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go “Meow.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17189 on:** March 18, 2020, 10:48:36 AM »

Went to the Gym this morning, tried out this new machine.

Lost 12 kg in less than two minutes!

Surgeon said he can re-attach my leg later this afternoon.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17190 on:** March 18, 2020, 10:54:13 AM »

When Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten, (which promptly crapped on the carpet,) he declared :-

"The cat shat on the mat!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17191 on:** March 18, 2020, 10:57:14 AM »

Sean Connery always attends Wimbledon during the season, at the same time each day.

"Tennish"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17192 on:** March 18, 2020, 04:49:37 PM »

The funny thing about teen pregnancy, is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it!
You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!"
Then after it happens, they say "We're disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17193 on:** March 18, 2020, 06:15:11 PM »

I turned down an offer of a free BBQ dinner last night.

Big missed steak.

Bodø · « **Reply #17194 on:** March 18, 2020, 06:17:17 PM »

I don't want to go the raw prawn with you but don't knock back free sushi if you get offered it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17195 on:** March 18, 2020, 06:29:51 PM »

Have only ever tried sushi once, didn't like it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17196 on:** March 18, 2020, 06:32:39 PM »

My secretary called this morning and said she cant work anymore because she lost her eye.
After assuring her that was understandable, I asked her to send me her resignation in writing for HR purposes.

"Dear Smon,

The past year has been terrfc, but t's wth sncere regret to nform you today wll be my last day wth the organsaton ... "

Bodø · « **Reply #17197 on:** March 18, 2020, 06:33:49 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on March 18, 2020, 06:29:51 PM

Have only ever tried sushi once, didn't like it.

Real sushi or that clayton's sushi that Aussies like to call sushi?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17198 on:** March 18, 2020, 06:39:33 PM »

Real sushi from Kisumé restaurant in Melbourne, but it caused me to throw up.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #17199 on:** March 18, 2020, 06:43:19 PM »

I cannot eat sashimi either.

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Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3379633 times)

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