Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3320404 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25875 on:** January 27, 2021, 08:49:29 PM »

A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dogs IQ.

Heres how it works: if you spend $44.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25876 on:** January 27, 2021, 09:24:54 PM »

My friend Emily and her girlfriend Sarah gifted me a Rolex.

Really appreciate the present, but not what I meant when I said I wanna watch...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25877 on:** January 27, 2021, 09:39:50 PM »

An 18 y/o boy who goes to his small town doctor for an STI check. After determining that the lad does not have an STI, the doctor asks him why he thought he might.

The boy tells him that he'd slept with a girl that had a reputation for being easy and thought he may have gotten something.

The doctor asks him what the girl's name is, so that he can contact her, and make sure she gets counselled about safe sex. But the boy says he won't disclose her name.

The doctor presses him for the girl's name.

"Was it Emily Smith?"

"I'm not telling", says the boy.

"Was it Lori Baker?"

"I won't tell", the lad insists.

"Was it Twyla Henderson?"

"I ain't gonna tell!"

Finally the Dr gives in, and the boy leaves the office.
His two friends are waiting outside and one asks, "So, did you get in trouble?"

"No", says the boy, "But I did get 3 really good leads!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25878 on:** January 27, 2021, 10:10:32 PM »

Little Sharon went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.
Mum said, "You should say "No", they only want to look at your knickers."
Sharon said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25879 on:** January 27, 2021, 10:11:34 PM »

Emily and Katy are standing on a bridge when Emily says, "Have you ever wanted to pee over the bridge like guys do?"
And Katy says, "You know what, I think I will."

So she lifts her leg over the edge of the bridge and says, "Check it out, I'm gonna pee right down into that canoe."

Emily looks at the water and says, "That's not a canoe, that's your reflection."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25880 on:** January 28, 2021, 01:02:59 AM »

Has been a reasonable month for surveys, with $70 already on the way to my bank from PureProfile,
and another $44.70 earned from them so far this month, and $11.30 earned from Octopus surveys.
I can claim from Octopus when it reaches $20.

Money for jam, (pun intended)

(or weekend fuel costs?)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25881 on:** January 28, 2021, 06:54:08 AM »

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning.

I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay, I looked from his muddy boots to my newly-scrubbed floors.

"Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down some newspapers for you."

"That's all right, mate," he responded. "I'm already house trained."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25882 on:** January 28, 2021, 07:01:29 AM »

I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25883 on:** January 28, 2021, 08:31:25 AM »

A guy goes to the psychiatrist.

"Doctor," says the guy, "I feel as if I have multiple, totally different personalities!"
"Do you think I need help?"
"Can you help me?"
"Am I doing the right thing seeing a psychiatrist?"

"Whoah! Whoah! Whoah!" says the doc. "Please, one at a time?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25884 on:** January 28, 2021, 09:21:49 AM »

The Diary of Anne Frank is somewhat like The Coronavirus

... she had to stay inside to avoid Germans too.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25885 on:** January 28, 2021, 09:24:35 AM »

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25886 on:** January 28, 2021, 09:27:03 AM »

The grass is always greener on the other side.

Unless Chuck Norris has been there.

In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25887 on:** January 28, 2021, 09:31:04 AM »

There are three ways to get things done:
do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25888 on:** January 28, 2021, 09:42:04 AM »

There are two kinds of people who don't say very much:

- those who are quiet, and those who talk non-stop.

Politicians fall into the second group.

- promise you everything, give you nothing, and then tax you for it.
-Retrogressively.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25889 on:** January 28, 2021, 10:40:50 AM »

A friend who lives in Colac has been annoyed lately with 'happy clapper' type doorknockers.
He was chatting to me on the phone this morning, and told me his secret to keep them away.
Seems he put a note on the door last weekend, that works perfectly.

It reads "Covid Quarantine"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25890 on:** January 28, 2021, 11:12:24 AM »

When you tell someone off, do so F.U.sively.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25891 on:** January 28, 2021, 12:29:18 PM »

Definition of a will?

(It's a dead giveaway).

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25892 on:** January 28, 2021, 02:38:38 PM »

Would a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France result in Linoleum Blownapart?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25893 on:** January 28, 2021, 02:40:30 PM »

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo, and pestered his parents for days.
Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly,
"... especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25894 on:** January 28, 2021, 02:42:32 PM »

Local Area Network in Australia:

- the LAN downunder.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25895 on:** January 28, 2021, 02:49:22 PM »

A patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled.

Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass.
Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony.
He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss.
One day, he mislaid it.
His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25896 on:** January 28, 2021, 03:35:52 PM »

A catholic priest was praying to Saint Anne.

The devil appears: ”Whazzzzup homie, why you pronounce my name so funny, bro?”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25897 on:** January 28, 2021, 06:00:28 PM »

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.

Finally, he realizes what he's done and says, "I didn't realize I talked so long because I left my watch at home. Can someone tell me the time?"

A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25898 on:** January 28, 2021, 06:19:33 PM »

I hit the road 8am tomorrow morning, and will be away for two/three days.
Feel free to post any jokes while I am offline.

Will post a ride report after I return home.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #25899 on:** January 28, 2021, 06:34:08 PM »

You know your getting older when...
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting 'lucky' means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3320404 times)