Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Telemarketer rang, stated his name, and the company he worked for.

I replied : "This is Graham!.. I work there as well, I am about 4 cubicles away from you!"

He hung up...

[Kev Murphy]

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when Jason, a college student, delivered his pizza.

"Well," Jason replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?" inquired the man.

Jason replied, "Applied psychology."

[Kev Murphy]

.... she was so blonde, it took her two hours to watch '60 Minutes'

[Kev Murphy]

If you are in the habit of nodding off at work, learn to awake muttering these few words. It may save your job!

".... and thank you Lord, for giving me these gifts, Amen"

[Kev Murphy]

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming

"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right".

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically,

"Boy, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I Tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??"

Naturally, the 'ground control' frequency went terribly silent until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked,

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Kev Murphy]

A 2-year-old was taken to the doctor for a check. They had her do co-ordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watched to see if she could walk properly, etc.
And then the doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?"
So she walked over, grabbed his leg, and stood on his foot.

[Kev Murphy]

The patient lifts his hand above his head and says,
"Doctor, it hurts every time I do this."
"Well, don't do it," the doctor said.



"Doctor, I have a terrible pain in my right foot."
"Have you ever had this pain before?"
"Yes."
"You've got it again."

[Kev Murphy]

The doctor handed his overweight patient a bottle of pills.

"Don't take these pills," he said... "Just spill them on the floor three times a day, and pick them up one by one."

[Kev Murphy]

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.

The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax because nothing can go wrong ... nothing can go wrong... nothing can go wrong...."

[Kev Murphy]

You know it's a bad day when your horn goes off accidentally, and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.

[Kev Murphy]

You kinow it's going to be a bad day when you collect this mornings mail, and discover a letter from the Real Estate office (dated 20th March) to inform you that there will be an inspection of the premises tomorrow at 9.30 am.

Why does it take a week to deliver a letter from the real estate office to the post office, less than 200 metres away, and then to my address which is less than a further 300 metres away?

[Kev Murphy]

It was the end of the day when a Policeman parked his van in front of the station.
As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner started barking, and he saw a little boy staring in the van window.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" the boy asked.
"It sure is," he replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van. Finally he asked,... "What'd he do?"

[Kev Murphy]

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

"This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

[Kev Murphy]

A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm.
The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied, "Wagon Wheel."

The teacher said, "I need your REAL name, son," to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir, really."

The teacher, in a huff, said, "Alright young man ... march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!"

The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister and said,

"Come on, Chicken Shit, he ain't gonna believe YOU, neither!"

[Kev Murphy]

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" Fred turned to his wife.

"Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

[Kev Murphy]

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What on earth did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

[Kev Murphy]

Eric was getting gas at a rural gas station. He was in a hurry, and when he pulled the nozzle out of his car, some gas poured onto his sleeve.
The gas station attendant yelled at him, "You might want to wash that off, 'cause it could be dangerous. Your arm could catch on fire."

"I'll be fine," Eric said quickly and then got in his car and drove away.

As he was driving down the road, Eric rested his arm on the open window sill.
Sure enough, due to the direction of the sun and the gasoline, his arm caught on fire.
He panicked, stopped the car on the side of the road and got out and flailed the burning limb in the air.

A cop driving past saw him and pulled over. He threw Eric to the ground and put out the fire.

He got up and was about to say thanks, when he saw the policeman giving him a ticket.

"Hey, what is this for?" Eric yelled.

The cop said, "Illegal use of a firearm."

[Kev Murphy]

Standing at the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.
Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in- law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said,

"Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

[Kev Murphy]

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.

The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He could not find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. that night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard.

The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed.

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(Are you ready?)
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(Are you Sure?)
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Ok, you asked for it.

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"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

[Kev Murphy]

A visitor once asked, "Does it ever rain in Arizona?"

A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does. Do you remember in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, "We got about two and a half inches of that."

[Kev Murphy]

New drug for men. It's called LIAGRA.

This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their affairs.
Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

[Kev Murphy]

A man was having trouble getting his farmer neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go 'free range' wherever they wanted.

The man was having no luck keeping the chickens from destroying his flowerbeds, and he had tried everything.
Two weeks later, a friend on a visit noticed that his flowerbeds were doing great, and the flowers were beginning to bloom.

So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

"One night I hid a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me collecting them.
I haven't seen his chickens since that morning."

[Kev Murphy]

News Headline...

Suicidal blonde twin kills sister by mistake.

[Kev Murphy]

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

[Kev Murphy]

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pygmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"

The pygmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

"I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pygmy replied, "Mmm ...I think we have about 130 members?"