QUICKIES!
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide."
He now bills me for my appointments in advance.
When I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. Even my yo-yo never came back!
The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said,
"We want five thousand dollars or we'll send your kid home."
My wife was never nice to me.
On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a kiss on the cheek and she turned around and bent over!
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
Even my dog don't respect me. He keeps barking at the front door.
He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time a boiled egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I dunno kid. There are so many places they can hide."
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window from the tenth floor.
They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."
"Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day we were at the store, and someone stole our car!
I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee.
The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?"
I said, "Surprise me." He showed me naked pictures of my wife.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Last night she called me from a hotel.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I told my old man I'm tired of running around in circles.
He nailed my other foot to the floor.
Boy what a hotel that was, they even stole my towel.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10.
The other 2 guys jumped clear.
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer.
It was in a zoo.
