Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5576200 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9375 on:** October 01, 2018, 05:27:02 PM »

Another truck and car accident at 4pm 11 km north-east of Portland on the Princes Hwy at Allestree.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9376 on:** October 01, 2018, 07:01:04 PM »

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green, and then wind up in the hole.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9377 on:** October 01, 2018, 07:10:20 PM »

The fourth of July, 1776 - that's when America declared their freedom from unfair British taxation.

It was only one year later that they started their own system of unfair taxation.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9378 on:** October 01, 2018, 07:20:57 PM »

Saturday morning golf, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse speaker -"Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please step back to the men's tee!"

Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee! Please!"
Mike had had enough.
He turned and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up, and let me play my third stroke!!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9379 on:** October 01, 2018, 07:35:17 PM »

Was shopping with some friends and their almost 4 year old this afternoon.

When we were in the freezer section of the supermarket, he asked his mother "Is there any of my flavourite icecream?"

Teasing him she asked "Which one is your flavourite?" He replied "Chocklat"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9380 on:** October 01, 2018, 10:09:12 PM »

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.
They were both just getting finished with their shaves.

When the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces,
The Admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me.
... My wife is unaware of what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9381 on:** October 01, 2018, 10:17:38 PM »

A funny dust storm passed over the other day.

Had a very dry sense of humour.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9382 on:** October 02, 2018, 02:12:53 AM »

Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke out against gays, then he went back to slathering oil on his muscles in front of other guys.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9383 on:** October 02, 2018, 02:35:27 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9384 on:** October 02, 2018, 03:09:19 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9385 on:** October 02, 2018, 03:23:37 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9386 on:** October 02, 2018, 04:41:25 PM »

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing exactly where you want it.
Putt is merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9387 on:** October 02, 2018, 05:08:45 PM »

Punny-shment?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9388 on:** October 02, 2018, 05:34:23 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9389 on:** October 02, 2018, 07:16:54 PM »

More pun-ishment.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9390 on:** October 02, 2018, 07:22:46 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9391 on:** October 02, 2018, 07:33:34 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9392 on:** October 02, 2018, 07:56:01 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9393 on:** October 02, 2018, 08:45:17 PM »

The military used to pass messages by relay runners, verbally, by word of mouth.

However, radio communications proved to be far faster, and more accurate.

For instance, a verbal message was given to a runner. "Send reinforcements, we are going to advance!"

When it was delivered sometime later, the message was "Send three and fourpence... we are going to a dance!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9394 on:** October 02, 2018, 09:02:14 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9395 on:** October 02, 2018, 11:57:51 PM »

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad?

IN PRISON.......You spend the night in an 8x10 cell, with outside access to sunlight through the day.
AT WORK.........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle all day and rarely see direct sunlight.

IN PRISON.......You get three free meals a day provided.
AT WORK.........You get a break for 1 meal, and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON.......You are given a uniform to wear.
AT WORK.........You are expected to supply your own.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON.......You can often watch TV, and play games on the Internet.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games on the Internet.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK.........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside, wanting to get out.
AT WORK.........You spend most of your time wanting to get out, and go to a bar.

IN PRISON.......There are some wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.........They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK.........You get fired if you get caught.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9396 on:** October 03, 2018, 12:04:59 AM »

A gorgeous blonde and a guy are sitting in a bar watching television when the news came on.

It showed an obviously suicidal guy on a bridge, who was about to jump, .
"I'll bet you a kiss he'll jump," said the guy.
"Bet you $10 he won't," said the blonde.
Then, the guy on TV closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.

The hot blonde leans over to kiss the guy.
"I can't kiss you," said the guy abruptly. "I cheated. I saw him jump on the five o'clock news."
"No Worries," said the blonde. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was stupid enough to do it again!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9397 on:** October 03, 2018, 12:26:03 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9398 on:** October 03, 2018, 12:34:46 AM »

Go home truck, you're DRUNK!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9399 on:** October 03, 2018, 01:26:07 AM »

N.Z. cannibalism?

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5576200 times)