Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Biggles]

...Just for you, Biggles...
I just watched a great documentary about how the Death Star was built… It was riveting.,,,,  It was riveting…

Hey- Moderators!!!

When is the Forum getting "Unthanks"?     

[richo]

Knowing how much some of you like KFC. I though the potential new menu item could cause you to change your mind try it.    Mmmmmmmm crunchy ferrets.  I was going to the post office while at work and the new pet shop and KFC have adjoining boundaries. 


[/URL]

[STeveo]

 

[STroppy]

CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But  we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?!'

[Biggles]

Excellent!  The joke, I mean.  The teeth situation doesn't sound at all flash!

[Brock]

Shoulda asked for a bottle of Novocaine and a couple of needles..

 

[alans1100]

Well, I'm home from the dentist, had one tooth removed... and have been put on the waiting list for the next two extractions.
Waiting list is currently 26 months, unless I have a tooth ache?

Aww, c'MON now.... two broken teeth with exposed nerves isn't already a toothache?

Our dental hospital would only offer emergency related treatment and for anything else you would need to see a private dentist that accepts govt. dental schemes. There is a capped amount that you pay with the state picking up the balance.

[Biggles]

Dang!  Roast "chicken" dinner!     

[Biggles]

Yep- that question bugs me, too.

In recent years, the doomsayers have been predicting the demise of the US economy because of its colossal debt to China.
Now China is on the ropes because of its insurmountable debt to...  whom?
There are very few debt-free countries- without researching it, I'd say Switzerland and maybe some Nordic countries.
But they don't seem to be drowning in money, so who holds all these IOUs??

[alans1100]

We had about 3 drops of wet stuff about 30 minutes ago - must have been the only few rain drops large enough not to evaporate as it fell from above.

[STeveo]

At least they didn't bother turning the sprinklers off on the cricket/footy ground.

[STeveo]

That's why we like them so much Kev.   

[STeveo]

 

[Brock]

its probably ringing at a different desk every time.

[Shiney]

They were awesome, thanks for sharing

Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk

[Biggles]

Possibly not your best Early Morning, Kev.  A mixed bag there.     

I'll pay the $100 donation gag.     

[STroppy]

This is what we have to look forward to ~~

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel;

I desperately gave myself a personal T.S.A. pat down....

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

Her theory was right.

The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police.

I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered;  (I always call her "honey" in times like these.)

I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.

"Are you kidding' me", she barked,  "I dropped you off"...!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,  "Well, come and get me."

She retorted,  "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

Yep, it's the golden years...

I find the only thing golden is our urine!

[STroppy]

What Starts with F and ends with K   

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked,'Harry, what's your problem?'   

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test..

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'   

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,   'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.   

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'   

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'   

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'   

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
 
Harry:   'Coconut.'   

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:   'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'   

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... !
 

[Bloodman]

 

 

[richo]

   .  Well done

[WendyL]

Puzzling... ??

Why is it that four bags of groceries at the beginning of the week, requires 8 bags at the end of the week just to get rid of the groceries packaging?

You're buying the wrong groceries.  8-10 bags on shopping day, only 1-2 bags in rubbish/packaging in our household

[STroppy]

An oldie, but still funny ...

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs.  In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.  In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.  After 60, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,  "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man  goes through three phases.  In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.  In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.  After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes.  The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

[STroppy]

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
 
 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
  _______________________________
 
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
  ____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
  ____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
  _____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________                   
 
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________   
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney.  Can I get a new attorney?
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
  _____________________________________                         
 
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
 
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK?  What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[Philbo]

Two ladies were chatting over the front fence when one's husband arrives with a bunch of flowers.
"Looks like I'll be on my back with my legs in the air tonight" says the wife.
"What" says her friend "Don't you have a vase?"

[Kev Murphy]

"Johnny," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"

"He takes a crap, sir," says Johnny.

"Oh," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"

"He's a bricklayer," says Johnny.

The teacher thinks, hmm, working class, what else can you expect?

"Bobby," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"

"He takes a crap, sir," says Bobby.

"Hmm," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"

"He's a joiner," says Johnny.

The teacher sees this as confirming his suspicions about the lack of linguistic skills among working class children.

"Freddy," he says. "What does your father do for a living?"

"He's a lawyer, sir" says Freddy.

"And what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"

"He reads The Times, sir," says Freddy.

"Interesting," says the teacher, "and how much time does he spend reading the paper?"

"Not long," says Freddy, "just until he's finished taking a crap."