Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5586919 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #975 on:** June 27, 2016, 05:08:32 AM »

Did you know?

The Greeks invented sex

The French introduced it to Women...

Wild Rose · « **Reply #976 on:** June 27, 2016, 12:05:06 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on June 27, 2016, 12:40:46 AM

Buddy of mine got a job at Maccas.
Only lasted two days.
Manager sacked him because he couldn't keep his hands off the breasts and thighs.....

Kev
You sure it wasn't at KFC

.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #977 on:** June 27, 2016, 01:39:19 PM »

Fixed... mental blank.. Thanks, Leo

(I don't eat fast food)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #978 on:** June 27, 2016, 07:56:36 PM »

An old farmer owned and drove a Rolls Royce for almost 30 years.
When he decided to upgrade, he chose a new Rolls as a replacement.

Of course, Rolls were pleased with his choice. They sent a Sales Rep to visit the Farmer a few weeks after he took delivery of the new car, to get some feedback.

The Rep asked "Sir, what feature of the new car do you consider to be the best improvement?"

The old farmer replied.. "Well, that would have to be the wind-up window between the front and the back seat,
because it stops the sheep from licking my neck while I am driving them down to the back paddock!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #979 on:** June 27, 2016, 11:36:03 PM »

When you see a little old lady driving a Volvo with the indicator on, do not assume that she is turning...
It is probably indicating where she hung her handbag... or it was already activated when she bought the vehicle.
Just be are aware that they never use the indicator for its designed function.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #980 on:** June 27, 2016, 11:39:21 PM »

If a couple from Tennessee get a legal divorce, are they still brother and sister?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #981 on:** June 28, 2016, 01:40:40 AM »

The cutting edge. (I was feeling creative, found this clip, edited, and added the parody sound track)


http://i1029.photobucket.com/albums/y352/kjm47/cutter_zpse3djshrv.mp4

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #982 on:** June 28, 2016, 04:28:35 PM »

There is a very common product used to construct back roads. It is called Ar-BUG Grit.
Often, Touring Motorcyclists discover this product on their travels, and verbally invoke the name as they backtrack to bitumen roads again.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #983 on:** June 29, 2016, 11:43:58 PM »

Judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had any tools when I needed to borrow one?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #984 on:** June 29, 2016, 11:51:26 PM »

Why do we need 14 handicapped parking spaces at the entrance to Bunnings?

Could we just talk about this?

If a guy can plaster his bathroom, dig drains, lay floor tiles, refit kitchen benches and put up gutters, don't you think he can walk the extra 30 feet from the parking lot to the store?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #985 on:** June 29, 2016, 11:59:01 PM »

How to fix the drug problem

Let crack and heroin be manufactured by the pharmaceutical companies, that way nobody will be able to afford them.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #986 on:** June 30, 2016, 12:02:47 AM »

You can't walk into a gym nowadays -- 'How much is it?' ... and pay.
Doesn't work that way any more.

They have all these plans. 'You know, we have many, many plans.
Our most popular plan is where you give us $80,000 up front and
then give us your bank card, and we'll automatically take $1,000
a month out of that.
You don't have to worry about paying; we'll just take it out ourselves, right?'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #987 on:** June 30, 2016, 02:14:45 PM »

Isn't life wonderful....

Just a couple more days, and we will hear nothing more in the news about most of these politicians for at least three or four years.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #988 on:** June 30, 2016, 08:17:36 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #989 on:** June 30, 2016, 08:22:09 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #990 on:** June 30, 2016, 10:37:23 PM »

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the crap out of me!

I have decided to quit... No more reading for me!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #991 on:** July 01, 2016, 03:09:38 AM »

Truly amazing how lucky one person can be..

I have been the 1 millionth viewer on no less than seven site pages today, and have won an iPad from each ...

.. yeah.. sure!..... and the Pope smokes a crack pipe, and wears pink slippers!

Took some hunting, but I found where this little text toy gem had buried itself in my browser settings, and I set it free.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #992 on:** July 01, 2016, 05:33:56 PM »

Must be my lucky day... I 'won' a Mercedes as well, compliments of the 'Microsoft July Lottery' competition which I didn't enter.

Malaysian origin email (Puchong)... maybe I should reply, and offer them some wombat feathers as a 'thank you?'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #993 on:** July 01, 2016, 06:05:25 PM »

I hate all this 'Politically Correct' stuff.
He's not fat; he's gravity-enhanced.
You mustn't say short -- vertically challenged.
Nobody's bald; they're persons of scalp.
The stupid are hard of thinking,
and the crazy are just logically impaired.

So anyway, there's this short, fat, stupid bald guy who is absolutely crazy, with big ideas on how to run the country...

Makes way more sense when you call a spade a spade, and not a 'digging implement'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #994 on:** July 01, 2016, 06:33:51 PM »

MALE SEX DRIVE THROUGH THE AGES

Between 16 and 32: Tri-weekly

Between 33 and 52: Try weekly

52 and up: Try, weakly...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #995 on:** July 01, 2016, 07:37:36 PM »

What I don't understand, are the shoppers who buy the single individual roll of toilet paper instead of a four-pack or an eight-pack...

Are they trying to quit?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #996 on:** July 01, 2016, 07:42:53 PM »

There was a dead Politician, who was too big to fit in a standard coffin.

So they gave him an enema, and buried him in a cigarette packet.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #997 on:** July 01, 2016, 07:59:32 PM »

A hunter saves an Indian chief being chased by a grizzly bear in the woods.
The chief invites the hunter back to his camp to celebrate, and reward the hunter for saving his life.

At the celebration, the Indian chief says to the hunter, "I have a special surprise for you: 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens.
You look at all of them and choose one. She will be your wife."

The chief clapped his hands and 500 young, beautiful Indian maidens appeared, topless, before them.
With closer inspection, the hunter notices that none of them have nipples on their breasts.

"Why don't these maidens have nipples on their breasts?" he asks the chief.

The chief turns to the hunter with surprise:"What? -- you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #998 on:** July 01, 2016, 08:41:50 PM »

I know a guy who just got a toupee,

-- not a very nice one though, it's made out of cat hair.

Every time you touch his head, he sticks his butt up in the air.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #999 on:** July 02, 2016, 12:52:51 PM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5586919 times)