Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Thanks mate 

[Kev Murphy]

Latest email spam/scam... offering of solar panel installation at reduced rates, from a UK energy supplier?

 £190 service fee payable up-front with order.

Email origin, Moldovia.

[Kev Murphy]

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "New light fixture here, and a little paint there" would help.
Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong.

It says, "HORSE for sale."

[Kev Murphy]

New mouse trap.



Put bait cheese as indicated for 3 consecutive days. Do not add cheese on the fourth day.
On that fourth day, the mouse will put his head over the razor blade, and swing his head back and forth, thinking "Where's the cheese?" and cut his throat.

[Kev Murphy]

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.



"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction around 50,000 years ago. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

To this one blonde passenger looking out the window exclaimed:

"Wow! Look! ...  it just missed that road!!!"

[Kev Murphy]

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday, and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled.

"My wife and I were married over 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.

Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.

Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air, day after day, for more than 75 years."

[Kev Murphy]

A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"When did you learn to speak English?"

[Kev Murphy]

Anyone Can Be President.

That's one of the risks that Americans take.

[Kev Murphy]

So, you think petrol is expensive?

Evian water 9oz for $1.49 = $ 21.19 per gallon ......  $21.19 FOR FREAKING WATER!!?????

[Kev Murphy]

Did you hear about the blonde on top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge, who was throwing bread to the helicopters?

[Kev Murphy]

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
At last she threw a towel around her head & stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice,

"Who was that?"

[Kev Murphy]

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local African native.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the man replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you, as pearls do to us?"

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster...."

[Kev Murphy]

A blonde spends a dollar on a lottery ticket and wins!

She goes to town to claim this prize and her ticket number is verified. The blonde says, "I want my $20 million."

The clerk replies, "Well, we give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The blonde says, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the clerk explains that she would only get one million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The blonde, furious with the clerk, screams,

"Look, if you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

[Kev Murphy]

A sign was hung in an office window. It read:
Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.

A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign.
He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.

The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."
The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."
So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it."

The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it, and run it."
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the program.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow?"

[Kev Murphy]

Bill and Hillary Clinton are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up.

The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window.

"Hey,Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks.

They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and they leave.

As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary.
"You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly.

Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well I guess you'd still be pumping gas, and he would have been the President."

[Kev Murphy]

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder & a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

The first man whacked the ball onto the green & left to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around & saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, on hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

[Kev Murphy]

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets?

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Another whacko Indian faker (pronounced differently, tho) from 'Microsoft'

"Good morning (1.23 pm) I am Robert from  Microsoft. We have detected that you gombuter is been sending virus. We can be helping you for to fixing this problem!"

Me "No thanks, it's not a problem. I enjoy making and sending virus, and sharing them with everyone."

*CLICK*

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

If you think you are a born leader, take a look back every now and then to make sure the herd is still there.

[Kev Murphy]

I must have been bored to create this...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbmRMwnmLR8

[Kev Murphy]

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, simply put," the doctor replied, " .... You're just too damn lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term for that, so I can tell my wife."