Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5860466 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8050 on:** July 04, 2018, 11:16:23 AM »

"Hey, Boss? ... can I take tomorrow off so I can go shopping with my Missus?"

"NO!"

"Thanks Boss, I really appreciate that!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8051 on:** July 04, 2018, 08:01:53 PM »

... Another blast from the past.

Morning of 10 June, 1964 ... 54 years ago. I was 16 and a half years old.

I jumped on my racing bike and pedalled 250 miles from Whyalla to Adelaide, around 20 hours trip (with a couple of meal breaks)
Slept for 6 hours, and then made my way to Adelaide airport in time to see the Beatles arrival on Friday, June 12th.
Ringo Starr was not with the group, Jimmy Nicol was the stand in drummer for the tour.

Anzac Highway (now renamed Sir Donald Bradman Drive in mmm ... 2000?) crowds were about eight deep on both sides of the road all the way back to the city from the airport.
I stayed with my sister, who lived at Elizabeth, that night.

I went to the Beatles concert at Centennial Hall, June 13th, then slept in a park at North Adelaide that night and commenced my ride home again on the 14th June.

Rode 120 miles (about halfway home), before I finally tired, put myself and my bike on a bus at Crystal Brook for the rest of the trip home.

Commenced my apprenticeship at BHP two weeks after arriving home.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8052 on:** July 05, 2018, 07:30:04 AM »

The telephone woke the Blonde in the middle of the night.

"Is this Northside one-one-one-one?" the caller asked.

"No," replied the Blonde, "This is Northside eleven-eleven."

"Oh! ... I'm sorry I woke you!" the caller apologized.

"That's OK," replied the Blonde, "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8053 on:** July 05, 2018, 07:34:50 AM »

Italians don't like helicopters because dago "Wop! Wop! Wop!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8054 on:** July 05, 2018, 04:17:54 PM »

Lucky me!

I just won a brand new BMW X6 motor vehicle!

(According to an email just received)

Yer, ... Riiiiiight ....

Shillas · « **Reply #8055 on:** July 05, 2018, 04:35:32 PM »

Not another ST rider going to BMW!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8056 on:** July 05, 2018, 04:52:50 PM »

No chance of that, Michael

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8057 on:** July 05, 2018, 11:05:53 PM »

A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick
look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Chinese man.

"Hello sir! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret" explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No! No! Mate, where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!" says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?"

"OK, OK" replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin. He then whispers in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin nex door having sex wiffa neighbo!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8058 on:** July 05, 2018, 11:10:33 PM »

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said "i hope you don't mind, but i feel much luckier when i'm completely naked".

With that, she stripped, rolled the dice and with an irish brogue yelled "Come on, baby, mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed "Yes! Yes! I won!, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I dunno, I thought you were watching?"

moral of the story:

not all irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men are men!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8059 on:** July 05, 2018, 11:14:58 PM »

These tee shirts have identical text ... slighly different angle, and a minor fold in the front reveals this.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8060 on:** July 05, 2018, 11:25:41 PM »

These workers did a great job installing these safety bollards.
All they have to do now is pack up and drive out of there ....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8061 on:** July 05, 2018, 11:58:53 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8062 on:** July 06, 2018, 12:07:57 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8063 on:** July 06, 2018, 02:06:27 AM »

A hillbilly took his girlfriend to his childhood bedroom for some 'playtime'.

They got into really deep trouble, because he forgot to tell her to be quiet during the performance, so that they didn't wake anyone.

... Also because the rest of his family didn't live in that house anymore.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8064 on:** July 06, 2018, 02:15:03 AM »

A Pastor was driving along a Nevada road when he spotted an Indian walking ahead of him.
He pulled over, and generously offered him a lift.

As they were driving along, the Indian saw a bottle of whiskey in a bag on the seat, and raised his eyes quizzically at the driver.

Noticing this and thinking fast, the Pastor said: "I got that for my wife!"
The Indian nodded sagely, and replied: "Good trade!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8065 on:** July 06, 2018, 10:15:52 AM »

I really wanted to buy one of those order dividers from the supermarket, but the checkout operator kept putting it back.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8066 on:** July 06, 2018, 10:17:59 AM »

Doctors have discovered that the leading cause of dry skin, is the use of bath towels.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8067 on:** July 06, 2018, 10:20:45 AM »

The first time I used an elevator, I found it to be an uplifting experience.

The next time, it was a real downer.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8068 on:** July 06, 2018, 10:25:06 AM »

I don't trust stairs, either.

They are usually up to something.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8069 on:** July 06, 2018, 10:29:19 AM »

A friend asked me: "Whats the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?"

I replied "Roughly, about 6,500 Kilometres."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8070 on:** July 06, 2018, 03:03:39 PM »

WHOOPS! ... have almost used my quota for the month..... only 13 Gig left.

Lemmee see now, my usage is roughly between 30 and 100 Gb per day, 1200 Gb per month...
This afternoons emails should take me over my limit, when I will be slowed down from 50 Mb/second to 256 Kb/second.

... No matter, my plan resets at midnight tonight

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8071 on:** July 06, 2018, 05:15:56 PM »

A bartender broke up with his girlfriend, but she kept asking him for another shot.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8072 on:** July 06, 2018, 05:17:37 PM »

Dracula has no friends because he is a pain in the neck.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8073 on:** July 06, 2018, 05:21:04 PM »

I finally realised that 6 out of seven dwarfs are not Happy

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8074 on:** July 06, 2018, 07:02:42 PM »

The coin machine at the mint broke down without explanation.

It doesn't make any cents.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5860466 times)