Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 4205058 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12550 on:** June 11, 2019, 11:04:11 PM »

My frind said to me "When I drink coffee, I can’t sleep."

I replied "Really? I have the exact opposite."

"Wow, ... seriously?"

"Yep! ... when I sleep, I can’t drink coffee!"

Bodø · « **Reply #12551 on:** June 11, 2019, 11:07:12 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on June 11, 2019, 11:01:38 PM

Two men talking on a bus:
“I’ve been riding this bus to work for 15 years now.”
“Lord Almighty, where did you get on?!”

A few years ago two drunks got on at Colonnades and caught my 734 to Marion which is a trip start to finish. One of them wouldn't shut up and kept going on "this driver doesn't know where we're going. We're going left, then right and left again. We'll be in Melbourne at this rate..." and it went on for the whole trip.

When we got to the terminus there were those two and a lady who had also been on for most of the trip. This guy who wouldn't shut up as he gets off says "hey driver, can you tell me the time?" to which I responded 7:45. The lady then quietly says to me "I make it out to be 7:15".

Me: He thinks we're in Melbourne so I gave him Melbourne time. She giggled and said fair enough.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12552 on:** June 11, 2019, 11:08:27 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12553 on:** June 11, 2019, 11:50:29 PM »

Go faster! ... I wanna watch his head inflate!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12554 on:** June 12, 2019, 02:23:39 AM »

The dogs name is 'President', because of his uncanny resemblance.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12555 on:** June 12, 2019, 02:29:19 AM »

A guy leans closer to his wife. "Can you keep a secret?“ he whispers to her.
-
“Sure I can,” says the wife, becoming curious.
-
“That’s good,” whispers the man again, “So can I.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12556 on:** June 12, 2019, 02:32:17 AM »

“What an ass!”

... Can describe the differences between both men and women.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12557 on:** June 12, 2019, 02:36:33 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12558 on:** June 12, 2019, 02:41:01 AM »

"Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?"
-
"Oh Harry, that would be lovely!"
-
"Wonderful! ... Could you bring me some beer and a pack of cigarettes on your way back?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12559 on:** June 12, 2019, 02:45:47 AM »

The smoothie.

- The miracle of selling somebody a single banana for $6.50

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12560 on:** June 12, 2019, 02:51:11 AM »

Two urologists are about to leave their office and go for lunch.

One says: "Ok, let's piss off now."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12561 on:** June 12, 2019, 02:53:31 AM »

My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles.

He kept leaving messages around the house for days.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12562 on:** June 12, 2019, 03:24:49 AM »

I’m dating this wonderful girl and she has a twin.
People often ask me how I can tell them apart,
– but it’s easy, really.

Jane likes to paint her fingernails, and Tom has way shorter hair.

Bodø · « **Reply #12563 on:** June 12, 2019, 04:24:14 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on June 12, 2019, 02:36:33 AM

That one says "I farted". 我放屁

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12564 on:** June 12, 2019, 05:29:47 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12565 on:** June 12, 2019, 05:50:37 AM »

Smile, and the world smiles with you.

But fart, and everybody within hearing stops smiling.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12566 on:** June 12, 2019, 05:57:50 AM »

The Queen takes the visiting President Trump for a ride in a carriage through London.

Suddenly, one of the horses farts loudly. “I am terribly sorry!” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

Donald replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d think it was one of the horses!”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12567 on:** June 12, 2019, 06:07:56 AM »

James, if you think your wife is beautiful, you should see my girlfriend!

Oh, she’s a hottie, is she?

Nope, shes an optician.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12568 on:** June 12, 2019, 09:46:09 AM »

Riding a sports bike and sticking to the speed limit, is like going to Maccas and ordering just the salad ... to go.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12569 on:** June 12, 2019, 09:48:04 AM »

Police officer: “Sir, I don’t understand. You lost the credit card a year ago, why are you reporting it now?”

Guy: “The thief wasn’t spending nearly as much as my wife used to…”

Police officer: “But why report it now?”

Guy: “I think the thief’s wife has it now.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12570 on:** June 12, 2019, 09:50:40 AM »

Wife: "I made cookies for you, as an apology because I crashed your car.
-
Husband: "YOU DID WHAT?!"
-
... "Cookies. I made cookies for you."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12571 on:** June 12, 2019, 09:55:48 AM »

“Oh no, buddy, why did you two split up?”
-
“She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister’s!”
-
“So? Maybe she was?”
-
“Yeah, no way... I was the whole night at her sister’s!”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12572 on:** June 12, 2019, 10:06:08 AM »

What's the big deal with Americans, and quarter-horse racing, anyway?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12573 on:** June 12, 2019, 10:12:18 AM »

Todays local weather. No volume recorded, just cold, drizzly, and miserable.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #12574 on:** June 12, 2019, 01:55:37 PM »

Web site log in: Sorry, your password 257EeffQ@# is not secure enough.

Bank ATM login : 1234 Here’s your 1000 dollars.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 4205058 times)

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