Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5824303 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13575 on:** August 27, 2019, 12:26:42 PM »

I said to myself, "Thomas, today is the day you start eating healthy and exercising".

Bloody good thing that my name isn't Thomas!

Bodø · « **Reply #13576 on:** August 27, 2019, 01:02:34 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on August 27, 2019, 12:18:58 PM

If we move to a herb-based fuel economy, can we make the trains run on thyme?

Only if they're in mint condition.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13577 on:** August 27, 2019, 01:58:54 PM »

Bodø · « **Reply #13578 on:** August 27, 2019, 02:35:00 PM »

Do you know who else liked that one? Rosemary.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13579 on:** August 27, 2019, 02:40:28 PM »

Angelica and Anise, also

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13580 on:** August 27, 2019, 03:24:24 PM »

Theological philosopher Thomas Aquinas was rather overweight......

I guess this makes him an early deep fat friar.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13581 on:** August 27, 2019, 03:26:02 PM »

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.

Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation.
Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse.
In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse, regardless of the weather.

To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse.
With this kind act, he became the first person to ... wire a head for a reservation!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13582 on:** August 27, 2019, 03:43:26 PM »

Two buddies drinking at the bar,

One said to the other "Dunno what's the matter with my wife, she hasn't spoken to me for two days!"

The other replied "Sounds like a case of upbitch."

"What's upbitch?"

"Don't ask me, ask your wife!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13583 on:** August 27, 2019, 03:47:30 PM »

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .
and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington.
She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.
She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play at the Theatre."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13584 on:** August 27, 2019, 07:26:45 PM »

Husband sends a text to his wife

Husband's text:
*Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg.
Amputation of my left foot is still a possibility.
Love you.*

Wife's response:
*Who the hell is Paula?*

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13585 on:** August 27, 2019, 11:36:53 PM »

When you see the true relative size of countries, (depicted in the dark tone) compared to the belief of the Mercator map projection, some of us have travelled incredible distances on our bikes.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13586 on:** August 27, 2019, 11:50:34 PM »

There was an engaged couple...
talking to a priest about the possibility of getting married in his church.

"You two look like fine young lovers, and I would be happy to marry you, but first you must prove your loyalty to one another by abstaining from sex for a month."

The couple agreed and they all planned to meet up again in a month.

The first two weeks went by without incident, but during the third week, the young man returned to the priest.

"I'm so sorry, I failed to control my desires and I could not remain abstinent.
My wife dropped a paint can and bent over to pick it up and , unable to resist any longer, I had my way with her right then and there.
I'm terribly sorry."

"That's alright, my son" the priest said. "We are not infallible and we sometimes make mistakes. There is no harm done."

The man sighed and said, "Well, other than the fact that we're banned from Bunnings for life now."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13587 on:** August 28, 2019, 12:12:28 AM »

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...

In hindsight, "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13588 on:** August 28, 2019, 12:34:02 AM »

A wife asks her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"

"No?" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't" he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties... and pulled out a crumpled fifty-dollar bill.

He took the crumpled fifty-dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

Then she said "Have you ever seen $75,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No!" he said... trying hard now to hide his anticipation.

She said "You might want to check the garage".

Bodø · « **Reply #13589 on:** August 28, 2019, 04:10:17 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on August 27, 2019, 11:36:53 PM

When you see the true relative size of countries, (depicted in the dark tone) compared to the belief of the Mercator map projection, some of us have travelled incredible distances on our bikes.

It looks like the Africans have got is sussed.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13590 on:** August 28, 2019, 05:19:41 AM »

A male pancake, waggling his eyebrows suggestively, said to the female pancake "Hello."

The female replied "Ugh, get away from me, you crepe."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13591 on:** August 28, 2019, 05:23:33 AM »

I told my family and friends that I’m leaving my job to pursue my lifelong dream of being a plastic surgeon.

That'll raise a few eyebrows.

Bodø · « **Reply #13592 on:** August 28, 2019, 05:25:27 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on August 28, 2019, 05:19:41 AM

A male pancake, waggling his eyebrows suggestively, said to the female pancake "Hello."

The female replied "Ugh, get away from me, you crepe."

I love it Dutch babies talk dirty.

Bodø · « **Reply #13593 on:** August 28, 2019, 05:28:01 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on August 28, 2019, 05:23:33 AM

I told my family and friends that I’m leaving my job to pursue my lifelong dream of being a plastic surgeon.
That'll raise a few eyebrows.

Play with fire and you'll get burnt. I'm sure someone will be able to fix that.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13594 on:** August 28, 2019, 05:35:40 AM »

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant says,"All right, all you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Sergeant walked over to him until he was eye to eye, and raised an eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, Sir?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13595 on:** August 28, 2019, 05:44:23 AM »

You lose, cat!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13596 on:** August 28, 2019, 03:20:21 PM »

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.

"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13597 on:** August 28, 2019, 04:58:16 PM »

I posed naked for a porno magazine today.

But from the reaction I got, I think the newsagent would have preferred money.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13598 on:** August 28, 2019, 07:27:24 PM »

Have you heard about ScoMos 'Toothbrush' politics?

It consists of giving you crap for free, and then making you pay through the nose to get the bad taste out of your mouth.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13599 on:** August 29, 2019, 06:03:07 AM »

A friend told me he was going to buy a Harley...

I told him that he wouldn't be able to afford all the Tee shirts.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5824303 times)

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