Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5823073 times)

Bodø · « **Reply #13875 on:** September 10, 2019, 03:52:42 AM »

That's a bit of a stretch.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13876 on:** September 10, 2019, 08:03:58 AM »

A small Muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

so he runs to an employee and says, "I've lost my mother!"

The employee leans down and asks "What does your mother look like?"

The kid wipes his eyes and looks at the employee. "I have no idea?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13877 on:** September 10, 2019, 08:07:40 AM »

"Make America Great Again!"

Does that mean that we won't be able to buy American cheese slices?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13878 on:** September 10, 2019, 08:21:17 AM »

An Indian goes to the dentist to get a root canal. The dentist asks if the Indian would like any gas.

"No." replied the Indian. "This will be nothing. I have already felt worst pain possible and survived."

So the dentist performs the whole procedure without any gas or pain killers and the Indian doesn't flinch even once.
When he was finished the dentist says "Wow. I have never seen anything like that.
Not even a hint of pain on your face at any point. How did you do that?"

"As I said," relied the Indian, "I have already felt and survived the worst pain possible."

"What was that?" asked the dentist.

"One day," replied the Indian, "I was hunting in woods, had call of nature, squatted down, did not see bear trap. Trap slammed shut on nuts"

"Wow," replied the dentist wincing, "That would be the worst pain."

"No," replied the Indian, "That was not worst pain."

"Then what was?" asked the dentist.

"Worst pain come when get to end of chain."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13879 on:** September 10, 2019, 08:31:03 AM »

My neighbour has a large, untrained dog.

He is chained to a shed in the yard most days.

He has slipped his chain several times now, and when that happens he chases my cat and craps all over my lawn.

I wouldn't mind so much, but now his dog has started to do it too.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13880 on:** September 10, 2019, 12:34:52 PM »

A sign on the road to Perisher reads:

"Now entering Perisher snow fields, chains required…

…whips optional"

Bodø · « **Reply #13881 on:** September 10, 2019, 12:53:23 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13882 on:** September 10, 2019, 02:30:26 PM »

Paddy and Shaun were piloting an Aer Lingus commercial flight from Dublin to John Lennon Airport at Liverpool for the first time.
There were concerned about the length of the runway.

Paddy said "Jaysus, Shaun! .. as soon as we touch down, for chrissakes HIT THE BRAKES HARD!!!"

The plane screeched to a halt, just 30 feet from the end of the concrete.

Paddy said "We should report that this airport needs a kick in the ass, for having such a short runway!"
Shaun replied "Yer!, but look how fekkin' WIDE it is!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13883 on:** September 10, 2019, 05:08:18 PM »

I was working in a bakery and fell onto a bun

I guess you could say I'm on a roll

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13884 on:** September 10, 2019, 05:16:53 PM »

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.
The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty.
The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “Change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks again.

The vendor says “Whoa, man, where did that come from?”

The Buddhist replies “This is my inner piece”.

NTRebel · « **Reply #13885 on:** September 10, 2019, 05:22:05 PM »

Rollin in the dough hey Kev.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13886 on:** September 10, 2019, 05:26:11 PM »

Yeah, I knead it.

NTRebel · « **Reply #13887 on:** September 10, 2019, 06:30:56 PM »

You sure you're not battering it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13888 on:** September 10, 2019, 06:36:38 PM »

Trying to get a rise from me, Paul?

Bodø · « **Reply #13889 on:** September 10, 2019, 06:58:17 PM »

Quote from: NTRebel on September 10, 2019, 05:22:05 PM

Rollin in the dough hey Kev.

That's one way to make a crust.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13890 on:** September 11, 2019, 04:28:43 AM »

You only need 3.5 inches to pleasure a woman

Doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13891 on:** September 11, 2019, 04:35:04 AM »

Apparently you can't get sick leave and take a day off, just because you're sick of the people you work with.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13892 on:** September 11, 2019, 04:36:01 AM »

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13893 on:** September 11, 2019, 04:36:50 AM »

My wife is playing hard to get.

- Rid of.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13894 on:** September 11, 2019, 04:37:35 AM »

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13895 on:** September 11, 2019, 04:40:00 AM »

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music,

... until they started banging on my door.

Bodø · « **Reply #13896 on:** September 11, 2019, 05:01:20 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on September 11, 2019, 04:35:04 AM

Apparently you can't get sick leave and take a day off, just because you're sick of the people you work with.

I did once. I just wrote on my absence form as having a case of the runs. Impossible to disprove.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13897 on:** September 11, 2019, 08:49:49 AM »

For sale on e-bay.

Two dead canaries.

Not going cheep.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13898 on:** September 11, 2019, 08:54:47 AM »

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have taken part in many activities to pass the time. Through subtle influence, I have bought monarchs to the throne, and ended the span of tyrannical leaders. I have replaced chaos with order, and then installed chaos back in its place. But in recent years, I have taken great pleasure in the mundane. The every day. The boring.

I: Please, tell me more about the recent years.

V: I have taken my place in society, tried to give back to a world that has given me so much by fulfilling some tasks that others would not.
I have rid the planet of a number of diseases by removing their carriers. I have stopped wars before they started.
But most recently, it has been a more direct approach. Sweeping the streets, emptying bins.
My current role has been the most surprising.

I: And what are you doing currently that is so surprising?

V: Well, cleaning. It gives me great pleasure. Sweeping, dusting, mopping. All of it.
I am enjoying this more than anything else I have done. And one aspect has been a massive surprise to me.

I: Really?

V: Yes. Cleaning mirrors. It’s just not a job that I ever saw myself doing.

Bodø · « **Reply #13899 on:** September 11, 2019, 10:03:43 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on September 11, 2019, 08:54:47 AM

It’s just not a job that I ever saw myself doing.

Very good.

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Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5823073 times)

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