Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5822704 times)

Bodø · « **Reply #14650 on:** October 21, 2019, 12:12:53 PM »

Who is Helen Keller?

Bodø · « **Reply #14651 on:** October 21, 2019, 12:14:14 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on October 21, 2019, 10:55:53 AM

Sometimes I wish I could drown my troubles.
... but she refuses to go swimming with me.

When you're a bus driver all your problems are behind you.

Shillas · « **Reply #14652 on:** October 21, 2019, 01:09:09 PM »

Except the ones waiting at the next stop...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14653 on:** October 21, 2019, 01:20:54 PM »

Yeah... seems there's a law against driving up the footpath to get 'em

Bodø · « **Reply #14654 on:** October 21, 2019, 02:32:11 PM »

Quote from: Shillas on October 21, 2019, 01:09:09 PM

Except the ones waiting at the next stop...

Never thought of that. Well played.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14655 on:** October 21, 2019, 03:20:52 PM »

Chewbacca crashed the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it.

... Typical Wookie mistake.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14656 on:** October 21, 2019, 03:27:55 PM »

Millennium Year Application Software System.

This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software system.
We are currently building a data centre that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant.
The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System " (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone.
We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS.
This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it.
Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS.
Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before. "
I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again.
She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business.
So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS ".

This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits.
After requesting certain historical data, the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information.
When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly, our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14657 on:** October 21, 2019, 06:41:03 PM »

Almost 3 years since the President of South Korea was impeached. She was jailed for 24 years.

Hopefully the USA will follow suit now, and have their President de-oranged.

Bodø · « **Reply #14658 on:** October 21, 2019, 06:50:53 PM »

They should keep him in power.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14659 on:** October 21, 2019, 08:53:53 PM »

A woman said to her cheating husband "Do you want to see a crumpled up $50 bill?"
He said "Yes?"
So she reached into her pocket pulled it out and gave it to him.
Then she said "Do you want to see a crumpled $100?"
And he said "Yes!"
So she reached into her pocket pulled it out, and gave it to him.
Then she said " Do you want to see a crumpled $50,000? and he said "HELL YES!"
She said "Go and look at your not-so-flash car in the garage then!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14660 on:** October 22, 2019, 08:23:34 AM »

90% of all dogs in Korea are inbred?

Unsure if it's whole wheat, or rye.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14661 on:** October 22, 2019, 08:35:39 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14662 on:** October 22, 2019, 08:38:17 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14663 on:** October 22, 2019, 08:40:01 AM »

Seems to be more South Korean boys band singers, than there are North Korean soldiers.

Bodø · « **Reply #14664 on:** October 22, 2019, 12:20:54 PM »

If we're all god's children what's so special about jesus?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14665 on:** October 22, 2019, 12:23:11 PM »

Spotted this working girl on a street corner. "How much?" I queried.
"$300" she replied.
"Christ! ... I only want to borrow it for ten minutes, not hire it for the month!
... What can I get for $20?"

"$20? ... What do you think I am?"

"We have already determined what you are, now we are just negotiating the price!"

"Ok" she said "I guess I can give you a penguin for $20"

I passed her the 20, she led me to a dark alley nearby.
She dropped my trousers, and started walking back to the streetlight.
"Hey, wait a minute! ... What the hell is a 'penguin', anyway?" I called,
as I shuffled awkwardly after her, with my pants around my ankles.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14666 on:** October 22, 2019, 07:48:27 PM »

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too.
Czech one too three four...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14667 on:** October 22, 2019, 07:49:12 PM »

I was walking down the street when I passed a Telstra technician near his van, and he asked me what time it was?
I said “It’s between 9am and 3pm, same as the time you tell your customers that you will be there.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14668 on:** October 23, 2019, 07:48:46 AM »

Did the person who created the door knocker win the Nobel prize?

Bodø · « **Reply #14669 on:** October 23, 2019, 08:58:06 AM »

Got it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14670 on:** October 23, 2019, 05:17:26 PM »

My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14671 on:** October 23, 2019, 05:18:28 PM »

Forrest Gump was right.

Life IS like a box of chocolates...

All the good ones are taken.

Bodø · « **Reply #14672 on:** October 23, 2019, 06:38:43 PM »

How do you know? You've only experienced one life.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14673 on:** October 23, 2019, 07:11:55 PM »

Know anybody who has had more than one?

Bodø · « **Reply #14674 on:** October 23, 2019, 07:12:37 PM »

So how can you say all the good ones are taken?

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5822704 times)

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