Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5822848 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14675 on:** October 23, 2019, 07:16:34 PM »

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate.

Excited, they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Rocher.

NTRebel · « **Reply #14676 on:** October 23, 2019, 07:59:48 PM »

Quote from: Bodø on October 23, 2019, 07:12:37 PM

So how can you say all the good ones are taken?

He asked his cats.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14677 on:** October 23, 2019, 08:09:42 PM »

A Bible thumper asks a boy sitting outside a house playing on his phone if his parents are home..
"Yes they are" says the boy without looking.
The guy knocks on the door for a while and nobody comes out, so he asks the boy: "Are you sure your parents are home?"
"Yes I'm sure" says the boy.
After knocking on the door again and after no getting a response the man says "Are you really sure that your parents are home?"
"Yes i'm sure" says the boy.
"So, how come your parents don't answer the door?"
Without looking, the boy says "Because this ain't my home"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14678 on:** October 23, 2019, 08:14:29 PM »

I took my three year old son shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre, and we went to the jewellers.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14679 on:** October 23, 2019, 11:59:30 PM »

I hate spelling errors...

You transpose two letters, and your whole post is urined.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14680 on:** October 24, 2019, 12:08:01 AM »

*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"

ERROR: [Password two week]

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14681 on:** October 24, 2019, 03:02:55 AM »

A man asked Steve Irwin “How often do crocodiles mate?”
Steve asked: “How often do they what?”
Man: “Mate”
Steve: “What?”
Man: “HOW OFTEN DO THEY MATE?”
Steve: “HOW OFTEN DO THEY WHAT, mate????”

Bodø · « **Reply #14682 on:** October 24, 2019, 03:23:10 AM »

Crikey !

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14683 on:** October 24, 2019, 03:29:03 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14684 on:** October 24, 2019, 08:49:49 AM »

Commenced my vegan diet today.

I no longer consume meat, just vegans.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14685 on:** October 24, 2019, 12:23:27 PM »

My lucky day! Stepped outside to check my mail, and a $20 note blew down the driveway to my feet!
Looked around to see if anyone passing had dropped it, but there's no one around.
Pension day tomorrow, and I had only 35 cents left in my wallet, and no milk in the fridge.
Trip to the supermarket coming up, followed by a nice cup of milk coffee.

Bodø · « **Reply #14686 on:** October 24, 2019, 01:34:50 PM »

So you're committing a crime.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14687 on:** October 24, 2019, 02:28:38 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14688 on:** October 24, 2019, 06:28:22 PM »

You want I should advertise finding it, and have 50 people knocking on my door to claim it?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14689 on:** October 24, 2019, 06:36:47 PM »

When seals need medical attention, do they sea kelp?

Bodø · « **Reply #14690 on:** October 24, 2019, 06:47:49 PM »

When they go clubbing they often have a pounding headache.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14691 on:** October 24, 2019, 07:07:36 PM »

My wife left.
She claims It was because I never gave her any attention…
Or something like that? Whatever.
I can’t remember. I wasn’t listening.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14692 on:** October 24, 2019, 09:51:57 PM »

I had a day at the zoo with a lady friend.
It was going pleasantly until she made a lunge at me, and forced me out of the chimpanzee area under a flurry of flying poop
She gave me the dirtiest look when I told her, "They started it!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14693 on:** October 25, 2019, 04:30:52 AM »

Typical Vicwegian weather.
34 degrees here yesterday, but only 17 expected today, with 90% chance of 10 to 20 mm of rain expected.

Bodø · « **Reply #14694 on:** October 25, 2019, 04:46:23 AM »

Yesterday we had 37°C in Radelaide. Today's maximum if forecast to be 19°C.

NTRebel · « **Reply #14695 on:** October 25, 2019, 07:36:40 AM »

We had 37 up here as well yesterday with a maximum today of 34 and no rain Kev.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14696 on:** October 25, 2019, 09:28:51 AM »

A good way to get a girls attention, is to compliment her.

As in: "Damn! ... You're a fast runner, you nearly got away."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14697 on:** October 25, 2019, 09:40:57 AM »

People don't pay much attention.

I bet you $13456324567 you didn't even read that number.

You just skipped right over it.

You didn't even realise I put a letter in it.

No I didn't, but you went back and checked anyway.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14698 on:** October 25, 2019, 09:48:01 AM »

Little Johnny's teacher asked the class what their parents did for a living.

"Mary, what does your parents do?"

Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse.

"That's very nice," said the teacher.
"Robert, what do your parents do?"

Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"

"That's very nice," said the teacher,
"Johnny, what do your parents do?"

He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a hooker."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office.
15 minutes later, he returned.
"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher.

Little Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14699 on:** October 25, 2019, 10:27:35 AM »

Stupid Blonde broke her arm while raking leaves.

Most people wait for them to fall from the tree first.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5822848 times)

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