Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5822840 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14700 on:** October 25, 2019, 05:08:37 PM »

The 4 seasons should be scrapped.

There are only 3 seasons, according to stuff for sale in the shops?

Christmas, Easter, and the other 3 months of the year.

Nigel · « **Reply #14701 on:** October 25, 2019, 06:02:11 PM »

Just for you Kev............

Little Johnny Strikes Again
--------------------------------
The teacher asked the class to use the word "Fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to grandad`s farm and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating".
The teacher said " Very good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate" not fascinating".
Sally put up her hand and said "My family went to see Rock City, I was fascinated".
The teacher said " that was good ,but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate", not fascinated."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burnt by little Johnny before .She finally decided that there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said "My aunty Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only `fasten eight`.
The teacher sat down and cried.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14702 on:** October 25, 2019, 06:08:03 PM »

Thanks Nigel

Nigel · « **Reply #14703 on:** October 25, 2019, 06:12:00 PM »

And this one`s a fav of mine

Weather in Scotland.....

I Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Scotland. She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husbands have done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.

Nigel · « **Reply #14704 on:** October 25, 2019, 06:24:19 PM »

And Pure Gold

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
13pt]HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH[/size]
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14705 on:** October 25, 2019, 06:39:40 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14706 on:** October 25, 2019, 06:42:08 PM »

A woman sat on the roof of her house as the flood waters rose around her.
A man in a small motor boat pulled up and said, "Come on! We've got to go!" She replied, "No thank you. I'm waiting on the Lord to save me."

Not long after that, a helicopter hovered overhead and a rescue worker rappelled down to try and save her. She said, "No thank you. I'm waiting on the Lord to save me."

Eventually, the floodwaters rose above her home and she drowned. While standing at the Pearly Gates she saw the Lord and said to him "Oh Lord, why didn't you save me?"

The Lord replied, "I sent you a boat, I sent you a helicopter, what the fricken hell more do you want, woman?!"

Nigel · « **Reply #14707 on:** October 25, 2019, 07:29:39 PM »

Big Fav

My 4-year-old was struggling to open his yoghurt today when he suddenly mumbled, "Furking shitty lid!"
My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from??"
I said, "Obviously the fridge you furken idiot .".

Nuff said

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14708 on:** October 25, 2019, 08:21:29 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14709 on:** October 25, 2019, 08:31:43 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14710 on:** October 25, 2019, 08:43:29 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14711 on:** October 25, 2019, 09:06:54 PM »

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.

After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line.

You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose.
You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress' ok?"

The actor is thrilled.

All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line.......

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You fool!" he cried, "You've ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No you idiot," screamed the director, "You forgot the bloody rose..."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14712 on:** October 25, 2019, 09:20:30 PM »

Thunder rumbles and some showers outside, but not a significant amount. Still 17 degrees at 10.15pm

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14713 on:** October 25, 2019, 09:21:18 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14714 on:** October 25, 2019, 09:46:43 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14715 on:** October 26, 2019, 01:28:18 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14716 on:** October 26, 2019, 01:36:18 AM »

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift.
“I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14717 on:** October 26, 2019, 01:45:28 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14718 on:** October 26, 2019, 01:47:58 AM »

Maybe I should go to Caltex with my wonky knee?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0ndPYKbas4

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14719 on:** October 26, 2019, 02:01:06 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14720 on:** October 26, 2019, 02:08:25 AM »

Important safety warning:

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape.

The night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.

However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.

The moral of the story?
WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14721 on:** October 26, 2019, 02:20:40 AM »

Is laryngitis measured in hoarsepower?

Bodø · « **Reply #14722 on:** October 26, 2019, 03:29:31 AM »

I don't know, but like a stuttering owl with the condition I couldn't give two hoots.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14723 on:** October 26, 2019, 05:44:58 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14724 on:** October 26, 2019, 05:51:10 AM »

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain… no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Donald Trump.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5822840 times)

Bodø