Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 757998 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15375 on: December 04, 2019, 10:20:33 AM »
I missed my Ex wife twice this morning.

I have an appointment with a gunsmith to get the sights adjusted.
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15376 on: December 04, 2019, 10:23:44 AM »
I call my ex wife 'Bambi'.

She thinks it's because she's cute, with big brown eyes.

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother.
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15377 on: December 04, 2019, 10:31:00 AM »
So many Christians run non-profit organisations.

On the other hand, atheists...
...only run non-prophet organisations.
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15378 on: December 04, 2019, 12:20:27 PM »
DUCK, SUCKER!

 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15379 on: December 04, 2019, 12:25:03 PM »
So, you wanna burn a CD? ... Use a CD burner, not the microwave you fool!

 

Online ruSTynutz

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15380 on: December 04, 2019, 12:28:00 PM »
So, you wanna burn a CD? ... Use a CD burner, not the microwave you fool!



I'm thinking that may have been Pink Floyd's Another brick in the wall... :grin
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15381 on: December 04, 2019, 12:40:32 PM »
Nah mate... it was 'burning ring of fire'
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15382 on: December 04, 2019, 12:42:52 PM »
Saw a girl in the park the other night. Sparks flew, and we had sex then and there!

Damn, but I love this new taser!
 

Online NTRebel

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15383 on: December 04, 2019, 02:17:42 PM »
So, you wanna burn a CD? ... Use a CD burner, not the microwave you fool!



That's what you call a fragmented disk.
I'm not strange i'm just not normal {Salvador Dahli}
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15384 on: December 04, 2019, 02:41:47 PM »
3 men walk into a bar.
The first one gets naked and sells his clothes.
The second one trips over a chair and sues the barman.
The third one challenges a service dog to a dance-off for a reward.
Who made the biggest profit that night?

Their drug dealer.
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15385 on: December 04, 2019, 02:59:06 PM »
In an attempt to raise profits,

... I've heard that Malaysian Airlines is now considering offering 1/2 way tickets.
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15386 on: December 04, 2019, 03:05:52 PM »
Conversation between a man and a woman. She asks him several questions that he answers quickly and easily.

- woman: "Do you drink beer?"

- man: "Yep!"

- Woman: "How many beers do you drink a day?"

- man: "Three"

- woman: "How much do you pay for each?"

- man: "5 euros, tip included"

- woman: "How long have you been drinking?"

- man: "Ehm ... more or less for 25 years"

- Woman: "So, if each beer costs you 5 euros, and you drink 3 a day, it means you spend 450 euros a month, which is about 5,400 euros in a year.

- man: "Right"

-Women: "If you spend 5,400 euros  in a year, without considering inflation, you have spent 135,000 euros over the last 25 years.

- man: "Right"

- Woman: "You are aware of the fact that if you did not drink beer, that money could have made you profit, maybe in some bank that would generate interest, and after accounting for the compound interest of the last 25 years, you could have bought a plane?



- man: "Do you drink beer?"

- woman: "No"

- man: "Where's your plane?"
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15387 on: December 04, 2019, 04:40:27 PM »
A man asked his minister.

"Is it proper for one man to profit from the mistakes of another?"

"Definitely not," was the clergyman's answer.

"Are you certain?"

"Absolutely!"

"In that case," said the guy, "Would you mind returning the $50 I gave you after my wedding?"
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15388 on: December 04, 2019, 06:19:21 PM »
Today I learned the history of the word noodles

Back in ancient Asian territory, they created a food product. They chose to trade it with the Western world. When asked what they called this food, they realised they didn't have a name for it yet. It was a great food that always ended with empty bowls, so they decided to take the English words 'naught' and 'food' and put them together, which eventually became the word noodles.

The Western world was impressed, but thought 'empty food' seemed a bit negative. So they took the number one and the word 'food' and combined them to make 'oodles'. Oodles of noodles sounded great, it felt like the number one food.

I thought this etymology was wonderful and decided to have noodles for dinner. I invited my friend over, and we went to order two servings from the local takeout shop. However, when I went in to order, they just smiled and waved goodbye.

I turned to my friend, utterly confused. "Why didn't they take my order?" I asked them.

"Well, it was probably because you said 'toodles' "
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15389 on: December 04, 2019, 09:55:27 PM »
A social worker from a big city recently transferred to the sticks in south Georgia, and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'Are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the outhouse!'
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15390 on: December 04, 2019, 10:09:04 PM »
A recently recruited soldier approaches his training officer and asks him:
"Sir, I have a question. What do I do if I step on a landmine?"

"Well, son, the standard procedure in this case, would be to rise about 20 feet into the air, and then spread yourself over a large area."
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15391 on: December 04, 2019, 10:15:34 PM »
A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams,
"Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni!
Am I going to die?"

The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15392 on: December 04, 2019, 10:17:09 PM »
I saw a packet of Jamie Oliver sausages at the supermarket.

On the back it said 'prick with fork', I thought yeah, that's him alright
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15393 on: December 05, 2019, 02:52:05 AM »
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology...

...has always been my Achilles' elbow.
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15394 on: December 05, 2019, 04:53:30 AM »
At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

“Elation,” she said.

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “What about the opposite of woe?”

The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be ‘giddy up’ .”
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15395 on: December 05, 2019, 04:57:21 AM »
It's easy to assess someones wealth in America, when the 'Not Guilty!' verdict is declared.
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15396 on: December 05, 2019, 05:00:09 AM »
A man is put on trial for the charge of stealing his neighbour's pig.

After both sides rest, the jury leaves to deliberate, and an hour later it returns.

"Have you reached a verdict?" the judge asks.

"We have, your honor," the foreman says. "We find the defendant not guilty, but he still has to give the pig back."

The judge informs them that that is an invalid verdict. "If you find him not guilty, then that means you don't believe he stole the pig.
If he didn't steal the pig, then how can he give it back?" He orders them to continue deliberating until they can render a clear verdict of "guilty" or "not guilty."

An hour later, they return.

"Have you reached a more consistent verdict?" the judge asks.

"We have, your honor," the foreman says. "We find the defendant not guilty, and he can keep the pig."
 

Online Bodø

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15397 on: December 05, 2019, 05:05:42 AM »
You're telling porkies.
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15398 on: December 05, 2019, 05:25:28 AM »
 :grin 'Morning Bodø :hatwave
 

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #15399 on: December 05, 2019, 05:28:09 AM »
ヤッホー  :hatwave