Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

In America,

Drinking age is 21

Voting age is 18

R-rated movies start at 17

Age of consent in most states is 16

Adult ticket prices start at 13

[Kev Murphy]

Some pollies have a wine cellar,

Pauline Hanson is a whine seller.

[Kev Murphy]

Since the unemployment rate in America hit an all time low...

... a record number of Americans are having trouble finding a third job.

[Kev Murphy]

There was a king who was ready to abdicate.
So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king."

Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the wreck of the Windbreaker, from the bottom of the stormy North Sea."
"Right away, Father." said the eldest son, departing at once, determined to become king.

Then to his middle son, Nimble and Self-righteous, "You are to retrieve your great grandfather's shield, bearing our coat of arms, from the deadly jungles of India, lost at the site of a battle since forgotten."
"I shall do so at once, Father." said the middle son, and so he too departed.

Then he beckoned for his youngest son, an intelligent, but meek next to his older siblings, to approach.
"Yes, Father?" The son inquired.
To which the King replied, "Bring me a coke, I never liked that pair of a**holes anyway."

[Kev Murphy]

Oh wow! Thunder and lightning show outside at 4 am!

(The cats just woke me up to tell me about it)

[Kev Murphy]

Norwegian women are so hot because the Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.

[Kev Murphy]

Derek and Brian are having a drink together.
"You used to play football, didn't you?" Brian asks Derek.

"Yeah, I played til I was nearly 40." replies Derek.

"So which did you prefer, grass or astroturf?" asks Brian.

"Can't say, Brian. I never smoked astroturf?" answers Derek.

[Kev Murphy]

A bloke I work with says he's dating twins...

I asked him "How do you tell them apart?"

"That's easy..." he says "...Marie's got blonde hair, and Jim has a beard."

[Kev Murphy]

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

"Is this any good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.

"Hell no, it kills them."

[Kev Murphy]

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...
"Have you any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That’ll do, I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn’t have any."
"Any what?"
"Yes please!"
"What?"
"Two or four?"

[Kev Murphy]

A farmer walked into a hardware store, and while purchasing some tools was asked by the proprietor if he would like to buy a bicycle.
“You won’t have to keep a bicycle fed,” said the storekeep, “and you can ride around your farm on it.
They’re getting cheaper now, and I can let you have one for 35 dollars.”

“I’d rather put the 35 dollars into a cow,” said the farmer.

“Well,” said the hardware man sarcastically, “You’d look almighty foolish riding around your farm on a cow, now, wouldn’t you?”

“I'd look even more stupid trying to milk a bicycle.” said the farmer

[Kev Murphy]

Seems miraculous (read 'fishy') to me, that the Government can suddenly 'find' billions of $$$ to throw at bushfire resources?

[Kev Murphy]

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your personal data, and the other is a hardware standard.

[Kev Murphy]

We hired a teenage girl at my hardware store

I was showing her around the aisles when I picked up something off the shelf and pointed it at my self, and made a beeping sound.

I said, "This is a stud-finder" and laughed.

She pulled up her sleeve, showed me her FitBit and made a beeping sound. She said, "This is a pedo-meter."

[Kev Murphy]

I took my old computer to a computer repair shop

I asked the shop owner "My computer is too slow. What can I do ?"

Shop owner inspected the computer and said "It needs some hardware acceleration"

Me: "How much acceleration would it need ?"

Shop owner: "If you throw it out from a third floor window, that should do the trick.."

[Kev Murphy]

With cannabis now legal in Canberra, we would be remiss not to discuss the negative impacts of smoking weed.

For example, after smoking...

...you have less weed.

[Kev Murphy]

A blonde decided to be a virgin for her entire life because she wants to set an example for her children.

[Kev Murphy]

A friend confided in me: "Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities!"


In actual fact, it means that just one brightly coloured piece of paper can now entertain him for hours.

[Bodø]

The other week I went to a fancy dress party as one half of a bra.....I felt like a right tit !

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Kev Murphy]

50 shades of grey


\#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676

[Brock]

Nerd....

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Kev Murphy]

By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden.





 .... How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

[Kev Murphy]

A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers.
They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.

Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."

Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."