Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

She said : "Why don’t you write a book, instead of your terrible word play jokes?"

I thought: "Now that’s ...... a novel idea?"

[Kev Murphy]

"Babe I swear, I only clicked on 'Gonewild' because I thought it was like Nature, and Animals and stuff"


"And I have no idea how it got bookmarked, maybe it's that pornarona virus thing that's going around"

[ruSTynutz]

Thanks Kev, of course I've now googled 'Gonewild'....

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Kev Murphy]

I have always loved animals,


Specifically, chicken tenders, roast beef, pork chops, ribeye steak.....

[Kev Murphy]

Customer: "What would you recommend from the menu?"

Waitress: "The beef tongue is very good today."

Customer: "Oh Yuck! ... I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth!!!"

Waitress: "Okay.... How about some eggs, then?"

[Kev Murphy]

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar.
Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says, “The media are really tearing you apart for that scandal.”

Hillary: “You mean my lying about Benghazi?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the massive voter fraud?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Using my secret private server with classified material tohide my activities?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, hiring cronies,and taking bribes from foreign countries?"

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the drones being operated in our own country without the benefit of the law?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity deals?”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “Turning Libya into chaos?”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “Turning our backs on Israel?”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “The joke Iran Nuke deal?”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “Leaving Iraq in chaos? ”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The DOJ spying on the press?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance executives?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The NSA monitoring citizens’ ?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Threats to all of Bill’s former mistresses to keep them quiet”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I’ve got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and china when Bill left Office?”

Trump: “THAT’S IT! I almost forgot about that one”.

[Kev Murphy]

Donation Request ----SENT FROM FORMER 3 STAR GENERAL, FORMER SENATOR, ROBERT WINGLASS.

Dear Friends:
I have the distinguished honor of being a member of the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton. We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for her two faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Barack Hussein Obama, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

Thank you,
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee

P.S. The Committee has now raised almost three dollars and fifty cents towards our goal in the past 6 years.

[Kev Murphy]

Donald Trump was carrying a Colt 45 pistol.

When asked why, he said it's just for shooting cans.


... Africans Mexicans and Puerto Ricans

[Kev Murphy]

Savvy investors know that this is the time of year to invest in companies that sell supplies for school-goers.

This year, watch for companies like Colt, Smith & Wesson, Glock and Ruger.

[Kev Murphy]

My Chinese waiter thinks that all white people look alike, and gave my food order to another customer.

Wait! ... Never mind. That wasn't my waiter?

[ruSTynutz]

Why Women Make Better Assassins!
 
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".
 
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "
 
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
 
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Kev Murphy]

I went to a vegetarian restaurant and the waiter asked, "How was your meal, sir?"

"It was very nice. My compliments to the gardener."

[ruSTynutz]

[Kev Murphy]

As a teen, my ex wife won three awards in the 'Pretty Girl' competition.

Pretty Ordinary, Pretty Stupid, and Pretty Ugly.

[Bodø]

She's still a teen,  After all, umpteen is a teen.

[Kev Murphy]

Putin and Trump were having dinner together
The waiter came to take their order.

Waiter: "What can I get for you tonight?"

Putin: "I will have the sirloin steak medium rare."

Waiter: "And for the vegetable?"

Putin: "He will also have the sirloin steak medium rare"

[ruSTynutz]

[Kev Murphy]

Seems that we may have to wait for up to two weeks from April first, before we get the first $750 grant from the Govt.

I suppose its because they haven't yet finalised the loan from China yet ... ?

[Bodø]

It's not going to affect you.  Let's worry about people who have lost their regular income first.

[ruSTynutz]

Not sure about Kev, but it affects me...

I've gotta pay for all that toilet paper I've hoarded... 

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Kev Murphy]

It's not going to affect you.  Let's worry about people who have lost their regular income first.

NOT affect me? Get real? ... My rent has increased by $40 per month, grocery prices have increased (when and if available) and most of the retail shops in Portland have closed down, including all takeaway stores except Maccas and KFC.
I had to ride all the way to Hamilton (180 km round trip) just to buy cat litter yesterday!

[Bodø]

And staff at those retail shops all of a sudden have seen their income go down a lot faster than you have.  Isn't there a Coles or Wooworths at Portland?