Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Never play a country song backwards.

The dog lives and the wife returns.

[Kev Murphy]

One good thing about the current world situation... I have had no scam phone calls or emails for awhile. 

[Kev Murphy]

What song do druggy prostitutes sing while getting high?

High Hoe!! High Hoe!! It’s off to work I go.....

[Kev Murphy]

Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...

but they couldn't get past the first two bars.

[Kev Murphy]

[Bodø]

Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...
but they couldn't get past the first two bars.

Too bad they weren't recovering drug addicts.  They could have done with a couple of hits.

[Kev Murphy]

Forgotten the name of a song, but you know the tune?

Just upload a video of you humming it onto YouTube, and you'll immediately get a copyright claim stating the name of the song!

[Kev Murphy]

A little boy’s grandpa had surgery...
And it went well.

The doctor told everyone in the waiting room that it was a successful operation. 30 minutes later the grandpa is up and at em, meeting with his family.

While they’re there, the doc was telling the standard recovery for the procedure.

Doc: “First of all the aesthetic can make you nauseous, we recommend not eating for a few hours”

Everyone nodded in agreement.

Doc: “Another thing is it you may feel a bit loopy for awhile. For the next few hours you may want to use a wheel chair.

Everyone nodded in agreement.

Finally the doc said: “ The biggest thing to remember is make sure not to lift anything heavy for the next week or so”

Everyone nodded in agreement except for the grandpa who looked a little annoyed.

As the family is headed back to the car celebrating the successful surgery the little boy asked:

“Why are you so sad Grandpa?”

Grandpa: “Well buddy, Grandpa has to pee sitting down for the next couple of weeks.”

[Kev Murphy]

Pope Francis meets with President Trump

After their private meeting, the president walks outside to the media and announces “It was a great meeting. Terrific. The very best. Pope Francis and I were in total agreement on 70% of the issues we discussed.”

Then Pope Francis walks outside looking dejected. A reporter asks “Your Holiness, why so glum? President Trump says you were in total agreement on 70% of the issues you discussed.”

Pope Francis replies “We were discussing the Ten Commandments.”

[Bodø]

Forgotten the name of a song, but you know the tune?
Just upload a video of you humming it onto YouTube, and you'll immediately get a copyright claim stating the name of the song!

If it were me I doubt anyone would recognise it.

[Kev Murphy]

An old man sits next to a young man at a bar and they get to talking.

The young fella is lamenting how he gets tongue-tied whenever he tries to talk to a pretty woman.

"I try to tell them that their face is pretty but instead, what comes out of my mouth is: your pace is fretty.
I always mix it up, and say the wrong thing."

The old man sympathetically nods his head in agreement and takes a drink before speaking.

"I know what you mean." he replies.

"Why just this morning at breakfast, I meant to tell my wife to pass the butter, but what came out was:

BITCH, YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!"

[Kev Murphy]

About a month ago I was driving to my mothers house late on a Friday evening. It was pitch black, so I had the lights on high beam, and I was driving along a country road when all of a sudden my engine cut out. So I pulled over and got out to have a look - sometimes I can fix it myself. It was very dark, and I couldn't get all those horror movies out of my mind, bad things happen on roads at night.

I was looking under the bonnet when I heard a voice, all ethereal and spooky.

"Check your coil lead"

I looked around and I couldn't see anything so I ignored it and kept checking the engine.

"Check your coil lead" came the voice again, and I looked around and couldn't see anyone. So again I ignored it, but I was getting more uncomfortable by the minute.

"Check your coil lead!" came the voice louder now, and I turned around to see a white horse looking at me from a field. And lo and behold it opened its mouth and spoke:
"Its your spark plugs, you should check your coil lead!!"

I was a bit shaken by this but I checked my spark plugs and sure enough, that was the problem. I replaced the coil lead which had come off, and was on my way - quite glad to be away from that creepy hellhole.

I pulled into a pub a mile up the road, I was really quite shaken by the whole thing. The combination of the darkness and being stuck there was quite scary. The barman asked me if I was feeling alright, I looked a bit pale, so I told him my story about the horse and my car breaking down. Everyone around the pub listened in and when I was finished the barman said:

"Hmm, you're lucky it wasn't the black horse" awful ominously, to murmurs of agreement from the people around.

"Wh...why's that then?" I asked. The barman replied.

"He knows bugger-all all about cars"

[Bodø]

What's the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo and Juliet?



One is a corona virus and the other is a Verona crisis.

[Kev Murphy]

 

[Bodø]

Do you want to hear something funny?

Quarantine.

If you don't get it.don't worry.

It's an inside joke.

[Kev Murphy]

Council fee for Harper cat registration just came in the mail.

$35

Max penalty for non-registration is $3,304

Say WHAAAAT?

[Kev Murphy]

I need everyone to wish me luck.
I've got a meeting at the bank in a few minutes, and if all goes well, I will finally become debt free.

I'm so excited, I can barely get my ski mask on.

[Kev Murphy]

Credit cards have three dimensions
 
... length, width, and debt.

[ruSTynutz]

Council fee for Harper cat registration just came in the mail.

$35

Max penalty for non-registration is $3,304

Say WHAAAAT?

Tell them the cat died...

[Kev Murphy]

Early to rise, early to bed...

Keeps a man healthy, but socially dead.

[Bodø]

Council fee for Harper cat registration just came in the mail.

$35

Max penalty for non-registration is $3,304

Say WHAAAAT?

Tell them the cat died...

Do they microchip them over there?  Might be a bit sus if the microchip keeps moving.

[Kev Murphy]

Yep, she has a chip.

[Kev Murphy]

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed.
I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym and the library.
"I was working on my MBA online. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage. ”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce? ”

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was granted parole."

[Kev Murphy]

With the increasing numbers of autonomous vehicles,

... it's only a matter of time until there's a country song about a guy's car leaving him.

[Kev Murphy]

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.



 ... Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.