Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

The political disturbance on the streets of Hong Kong has many similarities to the current climate protests within Australia.

Visit any major city, and you will witness many drivers who seem to be suffering from Honk! Honk! flu.

[Bodø]

Financial adviser suggested I put my money into the stock market.
I told him I already had one mad cow at home.

It doesn't hurt to look at udder options.

[Bodø]

My Scottish neighbour is so tight, he had all his windows double glazed.
... So his kids can't hear the ice cream van.

Nothing to do with being tight.  Kids are annoying.

[Bodø]

If global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance the average person will have to see a polar bear, is in a zoo.
So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

I've never seen a t-rex, and I don't lose sleep over it.

[Kev Murphy]

An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts which he happily eats....
Every five minutes she gives him more peanuts…

Driver: Why don't you eat them yourself?
Old lady: I can't chew! I have no teeth, look!
Driver: Then why do you buy them?
Old lady: Oh, I just like the chocolate coating!

[Kev Murphy]

Flight Attendant: “May I offer you some headphones?”

Passenger: “Sure, but how did you know my name was Fones?”

[Kev Murphy]

You tell them you're quitting alcohol, they offer you free drinks.

You tell them you're vegan, they offer you steaks and hamburgers.

You tell them you have no sexual life and ... nobody bats an eyelid.

[Kev Murphy]

A man goes to a job interview and presents himself well.

The interviewers are really impressed by how professional he is.

"Wow! You have an amazing resume and you present yourself fantastically but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume, what happened there?" asked an interviewer.

"Oh, that's when I went to yale" said the man, and the interviewers are even more impressed and offer him a job on the spot.

The man shows his gratitude by saying "Yentlemen, thank you for the yob"

[Kev Murphy]

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says
And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says.

"1st -- whatever happened in Benghazi?

2nd -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?

And, 3rd -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion-dollars while you were Secretary
of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a
question?"


Little Johnny -- puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny," he says.

"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says.

"1st -- whatever happened in Benghazi?

2nd -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?

3rd -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?

4th -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And 5th -- where's Kenneth?"

[Kev Murphy]

Out of curiosity a woman asked a man "Do men every say 'No, I have a girlfriend?"


The man laughed and said, "When someone offers a woman money, does she say 'No, I have a salary?"

[Kev Murphy]

I was tempted by a street vendors offer which read, “Sausage Rolls, 2 for $1.00".

"How much is it for one?” I asked.

"75 cents”, he replied.

"Ok, I'll have the other one".

[Bodø]

I was tempted by a street vendors offer which read, “Sausage Rolls, 2 for $1.00".
"How much is it for one?” I asked.
"75 cents”, he replied.
"Okay, I'll have the other one".

I must use that one.

[Kev Murphy]

I was arrested for impersonating a politician.....


I was just sitting there, doing bugger all!

[Kev Murphy]

Americans really get angry about politicians not paying taxes...


... but they forget that their country is independent, all because some politicians didn't want to pay taxes.

[Kev Murphy]

A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread
The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “Do you have a thousand loaves of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The same thing happens the next day. At the end of the day the store owner decides to make a thousand loaves of bread in the hopes of making a huge profit!

The store owner spends all weekend working hard and makes a thousand loaves of bread.

On Monday, the man walks into the store again and asks the owner “Do you have a thousand loaves of bread”

The owner smiles and replies “Yes, today we do indeed!”

The man shakes his head and says “You're going to make a lot of money, if you can sell them all!” ... and left!

[Shillas]

I once tried to buy a house on an old Indian reservation.

When i asked if it came with running water, he told me to find my own wife.

[Kev Murphy]

  Never mind, Two-Dogs ... better luck next time! 

[Kev Murphy]

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...


In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

[Kev Murphy]

There’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain.

It’s a site for sore eyes.

[Kev Murphy]

Reha the Doctor was unaware that his daughter Dya had been kidnapped.

The kidnapper rang the doctor, and stated "I have Dya, Reha!"

The good doctor replied "Eat more bananas, rice, and toast, and stay hydrated."

[ruSTynutz]

A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.
“Look at the size of his penis,” says the man. “It’s massive!”
“Yes, dear,” says the woman. “But at least he’s got your ears.”

[Kev Murphy]

 

[ruSTynutz]

Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm way out in the sticks.
One evening, as they were sitting on Bill’s porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull "servicing" one of his cows.
He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to seduce Mabel.
He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.”
“Well then, why don’t you?” Mabel whispered back. “It is YOUR cow.”

[ruSTynutz]

Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister.

[ruSTynutz]

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good-looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her.
“Pardon me,” he asks, turning on his best charm, “but is this stool taken?”