Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3377165 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14475 on: October 10, 2019, 10:18:05 PM »
 :rofl :grin :thumb
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14476 on: October 10, 2019, 10:23:00 PM »
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

(All the men sighed with unified relief.)


The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man slowly stood up and walked to the podium.

He said, "Hi!, I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife -- the word is sternum!."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14477 on: October 10, 2019, 11:12:57 PM »
Kid doing his homework needed help from his father.

"Dad? ... What's a grecian urn ??"

"Well son, 'pends on what line of work he is in, and if he is on the overtime roster!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14478 on: October 11, 2019, 01:11:26 AM »
Exeter City's nickname is the Grecians, but I've never known what it meant.
 

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14479 on: October 11, 2019, 01:19:00 AM »
Quasimodo went to the doctor with back pain.
The doctor told him to remove his clothes, he reluctantly agreed and started to undress, and takes off 2 coats, then a jacket, then 7 jumpers, 3 tshirts, and reveals yet another coat...

The Doctor says "Hold on Quasi, hold on!", "Why are you wearing so many clothes?"

Quasi said he never got undressed since the day the hump had appeared, so to hide it he just kept putting more clothes on top of the old ones.

The doctor asked "When did you start doing this?"

Quasi said "Back when I was at school"

The doctor said "Didn't you ever wonder where the hell your backpack had gone!?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14480 on: October 11, 2019, 05:23:17 AM »
Some music transports you to other places.


Today I went to a cafe where they were playing rap.
So I left and went to a different one.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14481 on: October 11, 2019, 05:26:16 AM »
A swarm of flies broke into a 3M factory.

They were all caught on tape.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14482 on: October 11, 2019, 05:40:44 AM »
Sounds like a sticky situation.
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14483 on: October 11, 2019, 05:43:08 AM »
Some music transports you to other places.
Today I went to a cafe where they were playing rap.
So I left and went to a different one.

Where's the music?
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14484 on: October 11, 2019, 07:53:51 AM »
Exactly! ... if I wanted to hear voices babbling over a background tune, I would stand at the supermarket checkout.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14485 on: October 11, 2019, 08:03:51 AM »
Do Mediterranean bakers use flatbread trucks to transport pita ?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14486 on: October 11, 2019, 08:04:20 AM »
Body lice use pubic transport.
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Online Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14487 on: October 11, 2019, 12:59:38 PM »
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman. Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman. You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie. Where tae hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able tae afforrd any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a wee bit.
Shillas :13Candy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14488 on: October 11, 2019, 01:05:38 PM »
I visited the Helium Museum the other day.

Can't speak highly enough of it.
Shillas :13Candy

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VN 800 - gone
ST 1100 - recently gone
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14489 on: October 11, 2019, 01:39:21 PM »
 :thumbsup
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14490 on: October 11, 2019, 02:42:10 PM »
PUN-ishing

Cheap flights to Russia still available!
Book now! Everything Moscow!

The people of Bahamas think learning Capital city names is Nassau important

The people of the Netherlands had a need to build a water driven power station as well as an overabundance of pork products. So they used 'Ams to Dam a river.

A husband and wife in the Phillipines were both very, very unwell. The woman was sick, but the man iller.

What's the average Senegalian's favoured mode of transport?
Da car

Have you heard about the talking cat in Somalia that only throws insults?
The Moggy Diss you

They are obsessed with John Cleese in Uruguay. They love a video of Fawlty towers almost as much as they love a Montevideo

People from Vietnam Hanoi the hell outta me

Rain storms are very rare in Zambia, but in Zimbabwe they Harera

Before you do a joke about Macedonia, let me Skopje right there

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?
To book a rest!

I've heard Swedish Ikea workers get stuff for free, they can just take Stockholm

If you are trying to eat Halal in Pakistan, Islamabad or good choice?
Why should you never let a man go swimming in Finland with weights on his ankles?
Coz He'll sinky

What do people most commonly use toilet paper for in Bandar Seri Begawan?
Their Brunei

Catwoman bet her male counterpart he couldn't pronounce the capitol of Nepal. But cat man do.

Why was the Polish man rubbing his bollocks? Coz they warsaw.

I just came up with a cracking pun for Japan. Alas, all the wife could say was "What Tokyo so long?"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14491 on: October 11, 2019, 06:43:59 PM »
For every pint of Guinness I buy in Ireland I buy another.  I like doublin' up.
 
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Online Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14492 on: October 11, 2019, 07:39:07 PM »
In my opinion, 6.30 is the best time of the day.

Hands down.
Shillas :13Candy

CB 125 - long gone
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14493 on: October 11, 2019, 07:40:55 PM »
Shillas :13Candy

CB 125 - long gone
RD 200 - long gone
CB 250T - long gone
XJ 650 - reasonably long gone
XV 750 - reasonably long gone
VN 800 - gone
ST 1100 - recently gone
ST 1300 - In the garage
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14494 on: October 11, 2019, 07:46:00 PM »
 Witches don't wear knickers... to get a better grip! :rofl
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Online Shillas

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14495 on: October 11, 2019, 07:47:33 PM »
Must be Scottish then.   :Norty
Shillas :13Candy

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CB 250T - long gone
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14496 on: October 11, 2019, 07:51:15 PM »
You've never heard of the non-slip-lip-grip? :rofl
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14497 on: October 11, 2019, 08:01:12 PM »
Yoda and Luke Skywalker are walking by the swamp.
Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...
“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says again.
Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them together to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke enter Yoda’s home. Yoda looks through his bag. He discovers that he has only one fork left.

“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror on the face of Yoda.

“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14498 on: October 11, 2019, 08:14:16 PM »
An old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, we’ve been married for 50 years.”
“Yeah,” she replied. “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said, “but we were probably sitting here stark naked fifty years ago.”
“Well,” Granny snickered, “what do you say, should we strip?”
So the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
“You know, honey,” the little old lady said, “my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.”


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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #14499 on: October 11, 2019, 08:15:56 PM »
Tony had been feeling guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him: “Tony, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first surgeon to sleep with one of your patients and you won’t be the last. And, you’re single. So just let it go.”
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: “Tony, you’re a veterinary surgeon...”


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