Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3317855 times)

Bodø · « **Reply #14425 on:** October 08, 2019, 03:18:50 AM »

If you're crying over a limbo stick you need to get back down to earth.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14426 on:** October 08, 2019, 06:00:25 AM »

Best foot forward, nose to the grindstone, and shoulder to the wheel.

Bloody uncomfortable to try and work in this position, tho?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14427 on:** October 08, 2019, 06:11:30 AM »

A dog runs up to his master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: "Hey boy, what do you got there?"

Dog: *Bark*

Master: "Bark? Where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?"

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: "The roof? How did you get all the way up on the roof?"

Dog: "With the ladder!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14428 on:** October 08, 2019, 06:18:01 AM »

I was quietly sitting at the bus stop, when some guy hit me with a stick for no reason.

Naturally, I retaliated, and beat the crap out of him.

And just for good measure, I kicked his labrador as well.

Bodø · « **Reply #14429 on:** October 08, 2019, 07:25:35 AM »

He didn't see that coming.

Bodø · « **Reply #14430 on:** October 08, 2019, 08:11:47 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on October 08, 2019, 06:00:25 AM

Best foot forward, nose to the grindstone, and shoulder to the wheel.

Bloody uncomfortable to try and work in this position, tho?

Wait until you get your arse into gear.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14431 on:** October 08, 2019, 10:27:20 AM »

A guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife, and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal problem?"

And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. Window is jammed, I can't open it!."

NTRebel · « **Reply #14432 on:** October 08, 2019, 12:19:19 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on October 08, 2019, 06:00:25 AM

Best foot forward, nose to the grindstone, and shoulder to the wheel.

Bloody uncomfortable to try and work in this position, tho?

Put your back into it son.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14433 on:** October 08, 2019, 02:13:30 PM »

I just finished reading a step-by-step guide on how to fall downs stairs.

Don't trust staircases. They're always up to something.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14434 on:** October 08, 2019, 02:23:28 PM »

Tobacco warnings should also include how dangerous it is, just going to purchase a package...

19 years ago my dad left home to buy some, and he was hit by a bus!.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14435 on:** October 08, 2019, 02:25:43 PM »

Does the Pope use a papal account for online purchases?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14436 on:** October 08, 2019, 03:24:31 PM »

His account is healthier than mine... someone wanna buy me some nuggets?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14437 on:** October 08, 2019, 04:40:48 PM »

Some people treat me like a god....

They ignore my existence until they want something ...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14438 on:** October 08, 2019, 04:42:04 PM »

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14439 on:** October 08, 2019, 04:42:50 PM »

I've started investing in stocks.
Mainly beef, chicken and vegetable.

You may laugh, but one day I'll be a bouillonaire!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14440 on:** October 08, 2019, 04:44:52 PM »

They should top up ATM's more often.

I went to 4 different ones today, and they all said 'insufficient funds'.

Bodø · « **Reply #14441 on:** October 08, 2019, 04:50:49 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14442 on:** October 08, 2019, 09:06:24 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14443 on:** October 08, 2019, 09:08:41 PM »

Financial adviser suggested I put my money into the stock market.

I told him I already had one mad cow at home.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14444 on:** October 09, 2019, 02:19:31 AM »

Trump visited the zoo, and spotted some yaks in the wildebeest enclosure.

He invoked his favourite rant...

"FAKE GNUS !!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14445 on:** October 09, 2019, 12:27:41 PM »

The Falklands War had begun. Britain was unprepared, and as she had done so many times in the past, Britain called up her toughest military unit, The Brigade Of Gurkhas. The Brigade commander was called in to Army Headquarters to be briefed on their mission.

"You will need to get your force together within ten days," said the general.

"Not necessary," said the Gurkha commander. "We're ready now."

"Marvellous! Sleeping quarters will be arranged for you on board the HMS Invincible," said the general.

"No need. We'll sleep on the deck," said the Gurkha commander.

"Even better!" said the general. "We'll be sure to provision the ship's mess with enough food for a six weeks expedition."

"Thank you, sir," said the Gurkha commander. "But we'll be fine with our packets of dried yak jerky."

"Splendid," said the general. "Now, as you see on the map, you will assault into the drop zone from the northeast, at 3,000 feet."

"That's too high," said the Gurkha commander. "You'd better make it 500 feet."

"Five hundred feet?" said the general. "But at such a low altitude, there won't be enough time for your men's parachutes to open and slow your jump!"

"Oh!" said the Gurkha commander. "We get parachutes?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14446 on:** October 09, 2019, 01:42:52 PM »

My Scottish neighbour is so tight, he had all his windows double glazed.

... So his kids can't hear the ice cream van.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14447 on:** October 09, 2019, 03:21:19 PM »

I went to the new Gym today. Their door is only 3 feet high.

I had to bend over backwards just to get in.

Well, I twisted and sweated and gyrated for almost an hour, but by the time I got my exercise clothes on, the class had finished.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14448 on:** October 09, 2019, 04:08:08 PM »

If global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance the average person will have to see a polar bear, is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #14449 on:** October 09, 2019, 04:20:57 PM »

Bloke went to a pet store and asked "Can I rent a big snake, just for one day? ... I will pay $1000 up front!"
The pet store owner asked "Well, I can do it, but what's the go?"

He replied "My wife is a know-it-all, every time I try to tell her the latest news or gossip, she just nods and says 'Yes, I know!'
I want to stick that snake in the bathroom so that when she goes for a shower, she will discover it.
She will come rushing to me from the bathroom and say 'THERE'S A HUGE SNAKE IN THE BATHROOM!'
... and I won't even lift my face from the paper, just nod and say 'Yes, I know!' "

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3317855 times)

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