Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3184318 times)

Online ppopeye

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33375 on: June 24, 2021, 09:42:39 PM »

WE ALL HAVE PLUMBERS BILLS AND SEEN THEIR HUGE 4x4 TRADEY UTES.


A plumber dies in a car accident on the morning of his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates:


A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.


Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says. "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."


Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the plumber sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says. "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the Ten Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it maybe because I'm a plumber?"


"Congratulations for what?" Says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. I'll have you know that we're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old, God himself wants to see you!"


The plumber is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says. "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty."


"But that's simply not possible." Says Saint Peter. "We've added up all your time sheets!
ppopeye

I never ride faster than my angel can fly!

2005 Red ST1300
2012 Red GL1800

Bikes I've had
Yamaha 500
Honda450
Honda CL175
 
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33376 on: June 24, 2021, 09:50:26 PM »
 :rofl
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33377 on: June 24, 2021, 09:50:42 PM »
A woman who was rather on the large side turned up at the theatre just before the performance was due to start.

She handed the usher two tickets.

The usher asked, “Where’s the other party?”

The woman blushed. “Well, you see one seat’s a bit small for me and rather uncomfortable so I bought two. But they’re both really for me.”

“That’s fine with me, Ma’am,” the usher replied, scratching his head.

“There’s just one problem. Your seats are numbers 47 and 65.”
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33378 on: June 24, 2021, 09:54:14 PM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33379 on: June 24, 2021, 09:58:04 PM »
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; 'Bugger off, you won't bring it back.'
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33380 on: June 24, 2021, 09:58:24 PM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33381 on: June 24, 2021, 10:16:27 PM »
2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine.
He lasts over 10 minutes.

'Crikey mate, that was impressive!'

'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wife is an epileptic'
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33382 on: June 24, 2021, 10:35:29 PM »


Maybe if people stopped buying so much water, it would have a positive effect on the environment?
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33383 on: June 24, 2021, 10:41:47 PM »
If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational.
 ....The Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole country will be full of bloody wankers, not just Parliament.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33384 on: June 24, 2021, 11:03:19 PM »
Q: Doctor,  I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your  heart is only good for so many  beats, and that's it...  don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You  must grasp  logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?  Hay and corn. And what are these?  Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your  system. Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should  I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A:  No,  not at all.  Wine is made from  fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of  the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No  Pain...Good!

Q:  Aren't  fried foods bad for you? 
A:  YOU'RE NOT  LISTENING!!! ...... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 

Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 

Q:  Is  chocolate bad for me? 
A:  Are  you crazy? HELLO Cocoa  beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is   swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If   swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to  me.

Q:  Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 
A:  Hey!  'Round' is a shape! 

Well,   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND..... For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 

1. The Japanese eat  very little fat and suffer  fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of  fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The  Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.                Speaking  English is apparently what kills you
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33385 on: June 24, 2021, 11:07:09 PM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33386 on: June 24, 2021, 11:13:27 PM »
That new online Lotto site? 'Pick six'

I realised immediately that there was no chance of winning, when the first number they drew was 873.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33387 on: June 24, 2021, 11:51:11 PM »
I wrote a novel about religious women.

The library put it in the nun fiction section.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33388 on: June 24, 2021, 11:52:07 PM »
A man goes shopping with his wife
As they pass by the alcohol section, the man sees a few bottles of his favourite whiskey on the shelves. He then sees a sign above that says "2 bottles for $50". Ecstatic, he asks his wife if he can get it and she says, "No, it's just a waste of money" and with that they continue.

Later they pass by the cosmetics and his wife picks up several boxes and bags of various lotions, creams, wipes and other stuff, which is part of a deal for $100. Ecstatic, she asks her husband if she can get it and he says, "No, it's just a waste of money".

She replies, "But it makes me look beautiful!"

The husband replies, "So does two bottles of whiskey, at half the cost!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33389 on: June 25, 2021, 12:09:39 AM »
A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.
He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.
"Yes?", asks St. Peter.
"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani.

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus? ... Your taxi's here!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33390 on: June 25, 2021, 12:14:39 AM »
While I was walking down the street I saw a guy pushing a shopping trolley.
The shopping trolley was full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbits feet.
I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was pushing his luck.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33391 on: June 25, 2021, 12:32:45 AM »
Covid, spelled backwards is Divoc.

Divoc is a Hebrew word meaning 'Possession by an evil spirit'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33392 on: June 25, 2021, 01:06:23 AM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33393 on: June 25, 2021, 01:12:03 AM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33394 on: June 25, 2021, 01:12:35 AM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33395 on: June 25, 2021, 01:13:05 AM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33396 on: June 25, 2021, 01:13:51 AM »
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you are disconnected.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33397 on: June 25, 2021, 02:12:38 AM »
Cats fed, time for bed.  :grin
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33398 on: June 25, 2021, 02:24:54 AM »
You know, it's actually warmer here now at 2.20 am, (10 degrees,) - than it was at 9.30 am yesterday?

Could be something to do with the truck parked across the road with the engine running...
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33399 on: June 25, 2021, 02:53:21 AM »
LETTER FROM THE BOSS.....

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Scott Morrison is our Prime Minister, and that our taxes, and government and medical fees have increased in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by 10% or more.

Since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here, and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six "ScoMo' bumper stickers on our employees' cars, and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. 
They voted for change; I gave it to them. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
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