Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR AMERICANS
General

a.. Never take a beer to a job interview.

b.. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

c.. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

d.. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

e.. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

a.. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.

b.. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home

a.. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

b.. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

a.. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

b.. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

c.. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

a.. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

b.. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

c.. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theatre Etiquette

a.. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

b.. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings

a.. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

b.. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

c.. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance

d.. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

a.. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

b.. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

c.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

d.. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

e.. Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.

[Kev Murphy]

Clarrie, whilst fully employed, is what is known as a "contagious" worker.

This stems from the fact that it seems to take the contagious to finish a job.

[Kev Murphy]

Two old guys talking.
 
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup. ... Socks, Underwear, and Viagra!"

[ruSTynutz]

My Son ordered a couple of meals that never arrived. He watched them on the tracking app until it said delivered?? Straight on to Menu whosit who said we will investigate.. Investigate all you want he said I want my money back . After two attempts, never more. Local FB group is full of complaints of orders never received.. Even the shops are dumping them.

We don't have to worry about any of those clowns, they don't operate out here in the sticks... 

Hasn't stopped Uber Eats from offering me $30 off my first order though...

[Kev Murphy]

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador. 

"Fook off " say's Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind? "

[Kev Murphy]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.... Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the  family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Helena!'

[Kev Murphy]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. 
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. 

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

[Kev Murphy]

Bob, a 72-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm, and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.. 

His buddies at the club are all aghast. 
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' 
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' 
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.  'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 
'I lied about my age,' Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiled and said, 'No, I told her I was 95.'

[Kev Murphy]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
"He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing  in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." 
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the  plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." 
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,

"Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30 ?"

[Kev Murphy]

The Plan

Let's put seniors in jail and criminals in a nursing home This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental  and medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc., and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool, and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.  Private, secure rooms for all, with an outdoor exercise yard and gardens.

Each senior could have a PC, a TV, a radio, and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised, lights off at 8 pm, and showers once a week.  They would live in a tiny room, pay $5000 per month, and have no hope of ever getting out.

Justice for all.

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Three nuns were attending an AFL final

Three men were sitting directly behind.. because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area, in a very loud voice, the first guy said, "i think i'm going to move to Brisbane.. there are only 100 nuns living there.." then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Tasmania.... there are only 50 nuns living there.. the third guy said, "i want to go to New Zealand... There are only 25 nuns living there..."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "why don't you go to hell ..There aren't any nuns there!"

[Kev Murphy]

More cold weather and rain forecast here for today, which explains why it is called 'Sadder-Day'

And tomorrow is a poor joke. 'Sun'-Day, where there is none.

[Kev Murphy]

So after landing my new job as a K-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had  been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to K-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't  twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just  couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at K-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

[Kev Murphy]

When I phoned the swine flu helpline, all I got was crackling.

[Kev Murphy]

The first sign of pig flu is that you come out in nasty rashers.

[Kev Murphy]

Swine flu is getting serious. It has been reported to be a hamdemic,
which may lead to an aporkolypse... But we'll get through.
Where there's a swill there's a way.

[Kev Murphy]

Ah well, again the cats are fed, and it's time for bed.

[Kev Murphy]

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1, mad cow disease, heart murmur, psoriasis, ingrown toenails, a bladder infection and a hangover.

[Kev Murphy]

This frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on the lounge opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she crosses her legs ... enough times until her husband says...
"Are you wearing crutchless knickers?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank Christ for that... I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge."

[Kev Murphy]