Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3318344 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33450 on: June 26, 2021, 07:28:37 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33451 on: June 26, 2021, 07:30:37 AM »
There will come a day when I can no longer do this ...



Today is not yet that day.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33452 on: June 26, 2021, 07:55:27 AM »
I saw a woman in the supermarket take her mask off to send a text message on her phone..... :||||
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33453 on: June 26, 2021, 09:01:06 AM »
The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
 
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.
 
The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
 
'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a 'recreational area' . . . I'm sorry but they all turned me down.'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33454 on: June 26, 2021, 10:33:40 AM »
When they discover the centre of the Universe, a lot of people will be disappointed that it is not themselves.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33455 on: June 26, 2021, 10:38:54 AM »
Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."

Husband: "I had the same dream, but I saw your dad paying the bill."

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33456 on: June 26, 2021, 10:41:09 AM »
An extremely ugly man was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is his polar opposite.
In fact, he may be the most handsome man in town.

The two of them are discussing a beautiful blonde girl sitting at the bar.

The handsome man said, "Boy, I sure would like to get some of that."

The ugly man said, "Go ahead, go for it."

The handsome man said, "There's no way, she won't go with anybody, I've tried many times."

The ugly man said, "I think I could go out with her if I wanted to."

The handsome man laughed and said, "If she won't go out with me, she sure as hell won't go out with you."

Ugly said, "I'll bet you fifty bucks she'll go with me."

Handsome says, "You're on!"

Ugly says, "OK, just leave the money with the bartender and I'll pick it up later."

He walks up to the girl, starts talking and then turned around and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him.

The handsome man couldn't believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, "What happened? What did he say to her?"

The bartender told him, "Well, he didn't say much. He just said it's a nice night for a walk.
And then he licked his eyebrows, and left."

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33457 on: June 26, 2021, 11:01:34 AM »
President Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
President Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout.
He reads it out: "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries."

David Cameron thinks, "It's not a bad time machine, I'll have a bit of that."
So he asks: "What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he just stares at it.
"Come on David," says Obama, "Tell us what it says."
"I can't! It's all in Arabic!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33458 on: June 26, 2021, 11:17:23 AM »
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - All drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer -- it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them, and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're from Scotland. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33459 on: June 26, 2021, 12:49:34 PM »
A newly hired nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

She asked another nurse, "Why is he going on like that?"

The experienced nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33460 on: June 26, 2021, 01:00:00 PM »
Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves".
I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.
George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"
Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33461 on: June 26, 2021, 01:39:50 PM »
A little town had an extremely high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee.
He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town. He asked the druggist if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high?

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the five fifteen train comes through here, and blasts its horn for the crossing.
It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33462 on: June 26, 2021, 02:01:07 PM »
“The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation.”

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33463 on: June 26, 2021, 02:02:46 PM »
My mother-in-law is a well balanced person.

She's got a chip on BOTH shoulders

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33464 on: June 26, 2021, 05:07:00 PM »
Many of us are now reaching the age where we cannot function without our glasses.


Especially if they are empty.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33465 on: June 26, 2021, 05:12:33 PM »
You know, today is more than halfway to Christmas again.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33466 on: June 26, 2021, 05:19:47 PM »
Why are there so many different answers when I ask "What's the time?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33467 on: June 26, 2021, 05:25:56 PM »
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife.
Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself." 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33468 on: June 26, 2021, 05:42:31 PM »
During a lull between the speeches at the recent White House Correspondents' dinner, Michelle Obama leans over to chat with Joe Biden.
"Ya know, I bought Barack a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so smart, Barack has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," says Joe, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words -- he doesn't really understand what they mean."
"Oh, I know," Michelle replies, "Neither does the parrot."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33469 on: June 26, 2021, 05:56:05 PM »
The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said.
"One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room.
He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33470 on: June 26, 2021, 05:58:16 PM »
"And will there be anything else, sir ?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.

"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33471 on: June 26, 2021, 06:33:07 PM »
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked,
"Do you play hockey?"
"No."
"Do you play soccer?"
"No."
"Do you play any other physical sport?"
"Not at all."
"How do you explain those bruises on your shins?"
"I play bridge with my wife."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33472 on: June 26, 2021, 06:40:17 PM »
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb on the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "What's with your hand on my steak?"

"What?" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33473 on: June 26, 2021, 06:43:24 PM »
A blonde climbed the glass wall at the ice hockey rink so she could watch the game.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33474 on: June 26, 2021, 06:45:43 PM »
A buyer was considering purchasing an aging thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing the deal.

When the vet had completed his examination the potential buyer asked, "Will I be able to race him?"
The veterinarian looked at the buyer, then at the horse.
"Sure," he replied, "And you'll probably win, too!"

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