Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5579548 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8750 on:** August 15, 2018, 02:27:15 AM »

I was so bored, I joined a Bridge club.

It's my turn to jump off next Saturday.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8751 on:** August 15, 2018, 02:34:29 AM »

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said "No, but I got the license number".

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8752 on:** August 15, 2018, 02:44:09 AM »

It's 14.9 degrees in Portland at 2.40am. Yesterdays maximum at 2 pm was only 12?

.. and, oh yeah, ... currently pouring rain here. and so windy that all the garbage bins are lying down on the footpath.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8753 on:** August 15, 2018, 04:05:02 AM »

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and onto the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks him up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8754 on:** August 15, 2018, 04:13:57 AM »

KFC in Australia have now released an environmentally friendly meal bucket to appease the 'Greenies'.

It's contains nothing but left wings and bums.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8755 on:** August 15, 2018, 04:30:57 AM »

I was on the street.
This guy waved to me, and then he came up to me and said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else."
And I said, "I am."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8756 on:** August 15, 2018, 05:59:06 AM »

Politicians fail to realise that their job is only a temporary position.

We the people voted you in, and we can replace you with someone better suited.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8757 on:** August 15, 2018, 06:09:47 AM »

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8758 on:** August 15, 2018, 06:18:37 AM »

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.
His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well," said the boy's father, "He thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesday mornings!"

DavidP · « **Reply #8759 on:** August 15, 2018, 06:41:08 AM »

Don't envy you Kev, cold here, but dry and still. Just below 0 at the moment but 28c forecast. Will be a bit chilly on the way to work (of course I ride :-) ). We could do with some of your rain, nothing here for a few months, and fire season is starting 2 months early.

Sent from my SM-T710 using Tapatalk

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8760 on:** August 15, 2018, 10:00:57 AM »

Portland 9.45am 12.5°C
Wind chill factor Minus 12.5°C
Feels Like 0.0°C

Relative Humidity 72%
Rain 6mm in past 24 hours.
Current Light showers.
Total This Month 52.0mm in 12 Days

Wind WSW 55km/h rising
Wind Gusts 76km/h

NTRebel · « **Reply #8761 on:** August 15, 2018, 11:21:00 AM »

urrently 22 feels like 17 no rain here Kev good riding weather.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8762 on:** August 15, 2018, 02:32:14 PM »

So windy here that Tony Abbott would have difficulty in crossing the road.... he would have to tack into the wind because of his ears..

Three blondes standing side-by-side at the bus stop couldn't hear each other speak because of the wind tunnel whistle effect blowing through their ears.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8763 on:** August 15, 2018, 07:03:56 PM »

Now, THIS is a different motorcycle!

TMC DUMONT, Powered by an aircraft engine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKQ5f8tvRxY

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8764 on:** August 15, 2018, 10:27:09 PM »

No further telemarketer calls since Thursday last week. Do you think I may have finally offended someone?

(Or deafened them with my umpires whistle)

A whole week with no calls is like, a whole week with no calls.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8765 on:** August 16, 2018, 03:08:11 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8766 on:** August 16, 2018, 03:16:03 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8767 on:** August 16, 2018, 11:19:23 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8768 on:** August 16, 2018, 11:23:52 AM »

Broken Hill plagued by emus as they head into town in search of food, water
10:09 EST

Mobs of emus have taken over the small mining town of Broken Hill in far west New South Wales, running laps of the main street, eating gardens and gate crashing football matches.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8769 on:** August 16, 2018, 12:19:46 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8770 on:** August 16, 2018, 02:59:03 PM »

My friend told his teen son to stay off the computer when he is supposed to be in bed.
He rigged this on his sons computer chair to alert him if his son ignored him.
Sure enough, within 5 minutes of him retiring....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8771 on:** August 17, 2018, 05:25:49 AM »

Wyoming view of Mount Rushmore Memorial from the west side, is not as impressive as the South Dakota view.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8772 on:** August 17, 2018, 12:57:52 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8773 on:** August 17, 2018, 08:45:06 PM »

Constant uninating precipitation here at the moment.. 10 mm of glug with some hard lumpy bits added in the past 90 minutes since 7.10pm.
More coming... Robe in S.A. has had 22mm in the same time frame.
Cats have already gone to bed to avoid the cold, 9 degrees according to BOM but my weatherguage reports 4 with wind chill.

Move over, cats!

Edited to update ... 11pm. rainfall now 17 mm in past 4 hours. Stopped for awhile.
6.30 am rain showers and hail started again. Still 4 degrees. Welcome to winter.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8774 on:** August 17, 2018, 09:46:52 PM »

When you are older, the government states that there is no Nursing Home care available for you.

So, what do you do?

You opt for “Medicare Plan G”.

This plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet.

You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. BUT WHICH ONE? (1 Bullet can't do the job ... typical Govt undersupply stuffup)

This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head,
central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great.

Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart transplant?
They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this?

... The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home.

(And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.)

And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more taxes!

Is this a great country or what?

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5579548 times)