Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

A priest is sent to Alaska.
A bishop goes up to visit one year later.
The bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?"
The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?"
"Yes."
"Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"

[Kev Murphy]

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves, is that they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase "secure the building".

The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

The phrase 'First thing in the morning'
To the Army/Marines, it means before first light.
To the Navy, it means first light as the sun rises.
To the Air Force, it means somewhere between 10am and midday.

[Kev Murphy]

At an Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row,
but the bi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot,
.. but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

[Kev Murphy]

Earlier today, Malcolm Turnbull had a meeting with Tony Abbott.

Afterwards, Turnbull said 'The meeting didn't go as well as I had hoped, because my gun jammed.'

[Kev Murphy]

If a chicken was genetically crossed with a centipede, would there be enough drumsticks to fill 10 Kentucky buckets?

[Kev Murphy]

A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous.
He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $100 bill.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him.
The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation.
She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"

[Kev Murphy]

Our new PM has inherited the unsolved problem of how to get the people to pay taxes we can't afford for services that we don't need.

[Kev Murphy]

At the end of the financial year when filling out your tax return, don't forget to claim your most expensive dependent,

 - the government.

[Kev Murphy]

I'm on a beer diet.

So far this month, I've lost 4 days.

[Kev Murphy]

Sheer waste of time and red tape.

I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut.
I don't need a receipt for the doughnut, man? I'll just give you the money and you give me the doughnut... end of transaction.
We don't need to bring ink and paper into this?

I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut?
Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the doc-u-men-tation right here... oh, wait it's at home... in the file... under 'D'... for doughnut."

[Kev Murphy]

Wal-Mart announced plans to open its first retail store in China.

Tags on clothes, and stickers on items will read, "Made Locally."

[Kev Murphy]

Bill Shorten has no Twitter account because it is limited to 140 characters, and once he starts, he can't keep his mouth shut.

[Kev Murphy]

A man walked into a bar in Cairns with his pet crocodile and asked the bartender:
"Do you serve polititians here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a polititian for my croc."

[Kev Murphy]

One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game.
Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond.
When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me.
~ I said you that you get to throw out the first pitch!"

[Kev Murphy]

Cold here tonight, 9pm and its only 3 degrees ... with wind chill, zero.

[Kev Murphy]

Saw a bumper sticker on a car parked at Woolies this evening. Didn't have my camera.

It read : The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

[Shillas]

A man walked into a bar in Cairns with his pet crocodile and asked the bartender:
"Do you serve polititians here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a polititian for my croc."

Must be why Bob Katter keeps going on about crocs eating Queenslanders

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years.
She can't live without him, and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart.

She calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.
He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor was called to the emergency room to put nine stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

[Kev Murphy]

A Microsoft Tech Support guy joined the Army. He was hopeless on the firing range with a pistol.
He shot a whole clip and never even hit the target.
The Drill Instructor was not happy with his performance, and *informed* him of this.
The Tech Support guy went back to his position, reloaded, put his fingertip over the end of the barrel, and pulled the trigger, which, of course, neatly removed the end of his finger.
'Well,' he said to the D.I., clutching his finger, 'it's coming out of the gun all right. It must be a problem at your end.'

[Kev Murphy]

Top AFL Complaints

Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger".

Thanks to instant replay, nose picking during a game is twice as risky.

[Kev Murphy]

The psychology professor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who
walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping
uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A football coach?" 

[Kev Murphy]

She said to her father "Soon, you will hear the pitter patter of tiny feet around here"

Her father replied "Oh lord!... You're pregnant?"

She said "Well, not exactly..."

... and then her new boyfriend walked in.

He's a midget.

[Kev Murphy]

In Dominos, you can buy garlic bread with cheese and tomato.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that a pizza?