Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5576224 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8900 on:** August 29, 2018, 05:09:48 PM »

There was one time when he failed to perform sexually. His girlfriend said "Oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys".

Ok, there are a couple of things wrong with that comment from his point of view.

First of all, WHAT other guys?

..and second, if it's happening to more than one guy, don't you think it could be HER OWN fault?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8901 on:** August 30, 2018, 12:19:34 AM »

You know that he's from the outback, when he tells you that the four seasons are duck, rabbit, 'roo and Wet.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8902 on:** August 30, 2018, 09:08:41 AM »

A man called the fire department and said, "I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain, and a lovely new Japanese rose garden!"

"Very nice," said the firefighter, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?"

"Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire, and I don't want you to trample my front yard!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8903 on:** August 30, 2018, 12:44:28 PM »

I am officially a "Genuine Antique Person,"

Been there, done that, ... can't remember!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8904 on:** August 30, 2018, 12:53:30 PM »

A golfing husband and wife were on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.
"Please dear, I need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."
A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'll come and help."
"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
"Hey! I told Ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8905 on:** August 30, 2018, 05:04:14 PM »

An accountant reads the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.
The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
Suddenly she speaks up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income, or a long-term capital gain?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8906 on:** August 30, 2018, 05:18:53 PM »

TOP TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR GUYS WHILE PLAYING GOLF

10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder-width apart
9. Form a loose grip
8. Keep your head down
7. Avoid a quick backswing
6. Quiet please!...while others are preparing to take their shot
5. Stay out of the water
4. Try not to hit anyone
3. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you
2. Don't stare while others address their balls
1. DON'T LET ANYONE SEE YOU TAKE THOSE EXTRA STROKES

Hmm? ... these suggestions also apply if you are taking a leak in a Public Toilet.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8907 on:** August 30, 2018, 05:27:21 PM »

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf?"
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.
"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.
"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
"Midnight next Thursday is OK with me." said Stevie.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8908 on:** August 30, 2018, 05:32:09 PM »

A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Hot DAMN!," he muttered, "... You even SOUND like her."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8909 on:** August 30, 2018, 06:07:51 PM »

STUPID woman...

10 minutes ago...
Stopped at a green light, tapping away on her phone, totally oblivious to the presence of the Police car in the lane alongside.

Expensive ...

Brookester · « **Reply #8910 on:** August 30, 2018, 06:49:51 PM »

Oldy but a goody

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8911 on:** August 30, 2018, 06:53:27 PM »

Lady asked the Ambos after an accident "Will I be OK?"
The Paramedic replied "You have a nasty cut on your leg"
"Can I see it?"
"No, ... your leg is in the other ambulance."

Gadget · « **Reply #8912 on:** August 30, 2018, 07:33:26 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on August 30, 2018, 05:04:14 PM

An accountant reads the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.
The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
Suddenly she speaks up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income, or a long-term capital gain?"

Shonee answered straight faced, matter of fact, "Capital Gain.

:ROFL :Crackup

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8913 on:** August 30, 2018, 07:36:40 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8914 on:** August 30, 2018, 09:23:54 PM »

Trump believes in the institution of marriage, and intends to keep on trying until he gets it right.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8915 on:** August 30, 2018, 09:56:57 PM »

"Michelle," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "Do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really don't like think, like, that's really important, y'know, like, because I'm, y'know, like, I don't get anything out of it."

"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8916 on:** August 31, 2018, 12:51:40 AM »

An englishman an irishman and a scotsman were in the sweltering desert walking around looking desperately for something to eat and drink, when, as if out of nowhere, a camel appeared.

The englishman killed the camel and said "I support Liverpool, so I suppose I better eat the liver."
The scotsman immediately shouted, "Well I support Hearts so I'll eat the heart."
And the irishman said, "I support Arsenal, but somehow I don't feel hungry any more."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8917 on:** August 31, 2018, 01:00:03 AM »

Doctor's Vocabulary

When the doctor says: "One of several things could cause your symptoms."
What the doctor means: "I haven't the foggiest idea what's wrong with you."

When the doctor says: "Are you certain you haven't had this before?"
What the doctor means: "Because now you've got it again."

When the doctor says: "I'd like to run that last test over."
What the doctor means: "The lab lost your sample."

When the doctor says: "This prescription has a few side effects."
What the doctor means: "You may experience sudden hair growth on your palms."

When the doctor says: "Your insurance should cover most of this."
What the doctor means: "You'll have to sell your house to cover the rest."

When the doctor says: "Let's go over your symptoms once more."
What the doctor means: "I can't remember who you are."

When the doctor says: "How long have you had these symptoms?"
What the doctor means: "How do you feel about living with them the rest of your life?"

When the doctor says: "It looks like bursitis."
What the doctor means: "Does the name "Quasimodo" ring a bell?"

When the doctor says: "This won't hurt much."
What the doctor means: "Did you bring a bullet to bite?"

When the doctor says: "There's a lot of this going around."
What the doctor means: "And we'll give it a name as soon as we figure out what it is."

When the doctor says: "We'll just remove this ingrown toenail."
What the doctor means: "A cane and orthopedic shoes should help.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8918 on:** August 31, 2018, 01:02:53 AM »

An 80-year-old man is having his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 19-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child!
What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter.
He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
"So, he's in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him!
He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him."

That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8919 on:** August 31, 2018, 01:07:40 AM »

Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez were in a terrible accident where Marc Anthony's face was severely burned.
The doctor told Marc that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the adoring wife Jennifer Lopez offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her firm buttocks. Marc and Jennifer agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed and Marc had recovered, everyone was astounded at the Marc's new beauty.
He looked more beautiful than he ever had before! All their friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthfulness.
One day, Marc was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8920 on:** August 31, 2018, 06:32:48 AM »

Ultra-keen spam email this morning?
6.20am arrival, full of congratulations for having won last nights First Division Powerball draw.

Yeah, sure!

(Ibelieve that you have to buy a ticket for a chance to win? ... and besides, it jackpotted last night, no winner)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8921 on:** August 31, 2018, 07:12:07 AM »

MISSING PERSON Report

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

OFFICER: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

OFFICER: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine, ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, ... We'll find your truck for you.

Bodø · « **Reply #8922 on:** August 31, 2018, 08:54:57 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8923 on:** August 31, 2018, 09:42:05 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8924 on:** August 31, 2018, 09:52:46 AM »

An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question:
Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5576224 times)

Bodø