Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW when suddenly a car tore past and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeemer!!!", he whiningly said.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my god....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "My Rolex! ... Where's my Rolex?"

[Kev Murphy]

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.
After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women.
I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"

[Kev Murphy]

Trumps hairdresser?

[Kev Murphy]

I remember when $2000 was the full payment for a new car;
(for instance, 1965 price for a VW Beetle ... and Fiat 500 Bambino was available for just $1400)


Now that $2000 does not even cover the sales tax.

[Williamson]

I remember when $2000 was the full payment for a new car;
(for instance, 1965 price for a VW Beetle ... and Fiat 500 Bambino was available for just $1400)


Now that $2000 does not even cover the sales tax.

In 1967, my older brother paid $1,600 for a brand new, superceded 1966 Ford Cortina 220 (1200cc poverty pack - no carpets, no heater, no radio, fixed quarter vent windows).  Relative to 'the 65 Bettle, it was a bargain.  I inherited the Cortina in Dec ' 69 when I started driving, for the princely sum of $500.

[Kev Murphy]

In July '66 I bought a brand new 1275cc Morris Mini Cooper 'S', white with a maroon roof. On road cost was $2468.
(Easy to remember the figure, 2 4 6 8 )

Sold it a couple years later when I joined the Army.
I saw a restored one for sale recently, asking price was $34,500

Edit: to correct size of motor

[Kev Murphy]

An Italian chef died.
He ran out of Thyme and pasta way.
We cannoli do so much to remember him.
His legacy will become a pizza history.

[Williamson]

In July '66 I bought a brand new 1000cc Morris Mini Cooper 'S', white with a maroon roof. On road cost was $2468.
(Easy to remember the figure, 2 4 6 8 )

Sold it a couple years later when I joined the Army.
I saw a restored one for sale recently, asking price was $34,500

This prompted me to search CarSales - $34,500 might be cheap.  This one is nearly $80K
https://www.carsales.com.au/private/details/Morris-Mini-Cooper-1967/SSE-AD-5612558/?Cr=0

It would wanna be better than pretty good.

[Kev Murphy]

Ouch!

[Kev Murphy]

Edit... mine was 1275cc, not 1000cc

[Joso]

Kev don’t feel to bad I sold a 71 Xy gt in 1979 got $4000 look at the price now😢😢😢

[Kev Murphy]

When I bought my second Taxi new in ... '71?- '72? it was only $3100

[Kev Murphy]

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The bartender replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls.
Suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight.
Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did.
The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

... one of my 7 'girlfriends with fringe benefits' slept with some other guy.

I'll never trust women again!

[Kev Murphy]

After careful analysis of the facts, there has been no truth found to substantiate
the rumour that Chinese people throw a metal cooking pan down the stairs to
gain inspiration for names to call their children.
(NING! TING! WANG! DONG!)

[Kev Murphy]

A woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace!
What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

[Kev Murphy]

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.
Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can manufacture a crib like that for only $67.50."

[Kev Murphy]

Miley Cyrus wants to be Snow White, so that she can "Whistle While You Twerk".

[Kev Murphy]

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again.
You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four..... You're right, you know?"

[Kev Murphy]

A white guy, a black guy, and a Mexican wanted to get a job at a stadium for the superbowl.
Before the game started they were asked to make a sentence using the words detail, defence, and defeat.
The black guy said "You need detail in your defence to defeat the other team."
The white guy said something very similar.
The Mexican guy said "Decat jumped over defence defeat first, and den detail."

[Kev Murphy]

A Scottish gentleman is defined as somebody at a gathering who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

[Kev Murphy]

Bagpipers have a half-ounce more brains than horses, so they don't disgrace themselves in street parades.

[Kev Murphy]

There were two Catholic Boys, Timothy Murphy and Pepe Sicola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.
In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Pepe was born in Italy.
Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their Senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world; but, it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Pepe who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney, and the world waited to see who they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Pepe was beyond surprise, he was devastated, because even with all Timothy's gifts, Pepe knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Pepe asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two,
but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Sicola.

[Kev Murphy]