Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5575793 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8925 on:** August 31, 2018, 12:20:02 PM »

At Wimbledon this year, Jamie Murray & Victoria Azarenka lost at the mixed finals.

They are soon to release a new song, ""I'm forever blowing Doubles!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8926 on:** August 31, 2018, 12:53:34 PM »

Tiger Woods wife really got mad at him when she heard that while he was on a world golfing tour, he played a round in Australia....England....New York... & Las Vegas!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8927 on:** August 31, 2018, 02:21:53 PM »

Tiger Woods was honored on Earth Day in April 2010 because of all the white trash he's picked up worldwide!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8928 on:** August 31, 2018, 04:49:20 PM »

The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up, the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork, admits that there is an error.
“However”, the clerk explains, “it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified”

The next day the Pope is called, and Hell’s staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven, and they stop to have a chat.
“Sorry about the mix up”, apologizes the Pope.
“No problem” replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: “I am anxious to get to heaven.”
Tiger: “Why is that?”
Pope: “All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.”
Tiger: “Ummm ... you’re a day late.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8929 on:** August 31, 2018, 05:52:14 PM »

The National Institute of Health has announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation.
In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:

1. Attorneys are more proliferous than rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that even rats won't do.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8930 on:** August 31, 2018, 06:34:50 PM »

Random twisted quotes.

I was going to begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I?
He never reads any of mine?

All men are cremated equal.

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time,
which is just long enough to be elected President of the United States.

Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light,
... but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8931 on:** August 31, 2018, 06:45:12 PM »

One day three midgets decided they wanted to be in the Guiness book of world records.

The first one says "I have very short arms", so he contacted GBoWR, and is recognised.

The second one says "I have pretty short legs," so he applied and succeeded as well.

The third one says "I have a very small penis," and went off to call Guiness.
When he returned, he said "Who the hell is Donald Trump??"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8932 on:** August 31, 2018, 08:03:57 PM »

"You wouldn't sleep with Angelina Jolie for a million dollars, would you?", asked the cuddling wife.

"Don't be ridiculous", said the husband. "How am I gonna raise a million dollars?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8933 on:** August 31, 2018, 09:29:05 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8934 on:** August 31, 2018, 09:31:11 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8935 on:** August 31, 2018, 09:33:01 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8936 on:** August 31, 2018, 09:34:46 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8937 on:** August 31, 2018, 09:44:38 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8938 on:** September 01, 2018, 04:45:04 AM »

I'm 70, and I feel like a 25-year-old,

... but unfortunately there's never one around.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8939 on:** September 01, 2018, 04:45:59 AM »

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8940 on:** September 01, 2018, 04:48:41 AM »

My ex and I grew together.

I grew up.

She grew sideways.

She now looks like something the dog just buried in the backyard, and is trying to forget where.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8941 on:** September 01, 2018, 05:01:43 AM »

There's one way to find out if a Politician is honest, just ask him.

If he says 'yes,' you know that he is a liar.

Bodø · « **Reply #8942 on:** September 01, 2018, 05:11:35 AM »

If he says no he is also a liar.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8943 on:** September 01, 2018, 05:22:06 AM »

That was inferred

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8944 on:** September 01, 2018, 09:41:03 AM »

Apple still reporting record profits because iPod/iPhone users are just as
oblivious to the looming recession, as they are to the people around them.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8945 on:** September 01, 2018, 09:46:28 AM »

You know that you drive a cheap shoddy car when you approach hitch hikers, and they put their thumbs down.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8946 on:** September 01, 2018, 09:50:08 AM »

Do the British use Viagra-brand Chapstik to keep a stiff upper lip?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8947 on:** September 01, 2018, 12:34:07 PM »

If you sing country music song backwards, do you get your dog, your job and your wife back?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8948 on:** September 01, 2018, 04:26:54 PM »

Whales Ho! Portland

2018-09-01 14:40:00
Location Dutton Way
Type of Whale Southern Right Whale
Latest update is that there are 5 Southern Right Whale 200 metres off shore at Dutton Way.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8949 on:** September 01, 2018, 04:40:19 PM »

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income three-fold.
Your partners will love you; your clients will always respect you; you'll have 3 months
of vacation each year and live to be a hundred.
All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for all of eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5575793 times)

Bodø