Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3185077 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9100 on:** September 15, 2018, 01:37:24 AM »

Cinderella was a poor soccer player because she was always running away from the ball, kept losing her shoes, and her coach was a pumpkin!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9101 on:** September 15, 2018, 09:03:39 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9102 on:** September 15, 2018, 02:48:46 PM »

Clive Palmer announced that obese Australians are entitled to special tax breaks.

He claimed that under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9103 on:** September 15, 2018, 03:56:55 PM »

A guy was pulled over for a routine traffic check.

"Wassa matter with you guys, are you trying to fill your quota for the day?" demanded the agitated driver.

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.
We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9104 on:** September 15, 2018, 04:41:56 PM »

The TV newspeople keep saying that this coming Christmas could be the greatest Christmas ever!

I kind of thought the first one was?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9105 on:** September 15, 2018, 05:09:07 PM »

Crazy weather here again, hail pelting down. Covering garden footpath and road outside.

NTRebel · « **Reply #9106 on:** September 15, 2018, 06:12:47 PM »

I thought that was perrfectly sane weather for Vic.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9107 on:** September 15, 2018, 08:08:46 PM »

You can lead a man into Parliament, but you can't make him think.

Bodø · « **Reply #9108 on:** September 15, 2018, 08:55:14 PM »

You can lead a horse to water but they are bloody hard to drown.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9109 on:** September 15, 2018, 08:58:36 PM »

A guy drowned in a drum of varnish.

It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9110 on:** September 15, 2018, 09:08:31 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9111 on:** September 15, 2018, 09:19:28 PM »

Mozart was really p*ssed off when he asked his chickens:
"Who's your favourite composer?", and they all replied "Bach! Bach! Bach! Bach!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9112 on:** September 15, 2018, 09:21:21 PM »

And Jesus said, "Come forth, and receive everlasting life."

But John came fifth, and only received a toaster oven.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9113 on:** September 15, 2018, 09:26:22 PM »

If Elvis appeared on stage today, people would say...

... "My god. You stink!"

Bodø · « **Reply #9114 on:** September 15, 2018, 09:26:37 PM »

Re What's My Scene?

"Whenever I'm asked to name a favourite of my songs I usually choose this one, not because I think it's 'the best' but because it best captures everything I try to do when writing any song. I wouldn't change a note or a syllable of this one and I'm especially proud that it has two different choruses when one is usually enough." - Dave Faulkner

Then goes and rewrites a version called "What's My Team?" and changes the lyrics to advertise the NRL.

Just sayin'.

Bodø · « **Reply #9115 on:** September 15, 2018, 09:27:07 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on September 15, 2018, 09:26:22 PM

If Elvis appeared on stage today, people would say...

... "My god. You stink!"

He used to compose, but now he decomposes.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9116 on:** September 15, 2018, 09:38:31 PM »

The Salvos attended the office of a prominent lawyer, soliciting donations for The Red Shield Appeal.
He said to them "Are you aware that both my parents are in a nursing home? .. Did you know that my sister is the mother of 4 children under the age of six, and is raising them on her own, because her husband was killed in a traffic accident? ... and I also have a twin brother who is homeless, and living on the streets?"

"Errr, no, sorry, we were unaware of that"

"Well!" he said "If I don't help them, then why should I make a donation to you?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9117 on:** September 15, 2018, 09:44:25 PM »

How about the drummer in a pop band who named his daughters...

"Anna one, Anna two...."

« **Reply #9118 on:** September 15, 2018, 09:45:59 PM »

The pianist named his Ebony and Ivory.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9119 on:** September 15, 2018, 09:46:53 PM »

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

Complete waste of money.

He just stands there applauding, looking up and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”

Bodø · « **Reply #9120 on:** September 15, 2018, 09:48:34 PM »

It mightn't be the best ceiling, but it's up there.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9121 on:** September 15, 2018, 09:50:23 PM »

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9122 on:** September 15, 2018, 09:54:44 PM »

There was this fat psychic.

... A four-chin teller.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9123 on:** September 16, 2018, 12:07:11 AM »

The expectant mother was looking for advice.
She said, "Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa
ever handle the middle-of-the-night feeding?"
Her grandma replied, "No. I always did that."
The young woman laughed. "That must have been before women's liberation."
The grandmother responded, "No, it was before we had baby bottles."

Bodø · « **Reply #9124 on:** September 16, 2018, 04:50:23 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on September 15, 2018, 09:50:23 PM

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Boom boom tish.

I'm stealing that.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3185077 times)

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