Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3318465 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9051 on:** September 11, 2018, 08:18:17 PM »

Errrr, no thanks.... I'll just sleep in my car in the parking lot.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9052 on:** September 11, 2018, 08:25:21 PM »

I hear that their hairless grapes are pretty good, too!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9053 on:** September 11, 2018, 10:08:19 PM »

The ten most terrifying words in the Australian vocabulary are:

'I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9054 on:** September 11, 2018, 10:09:26 PM »

When Chuck Norris walks into Maccas at 3 PM, he can still order from the breakfast menu.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9055 on:** September 12, 2018, 12:33:51 AM »

When I was at Primary school, we had a headmaster that we called 'Bullfrog',
... because he had a big head that was mostly all mouth.

(His real name was Hoppet)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9056 on:** September 12, 2018, 08:33:11 AM »

Political Leadership theme song. "Hopelessly de - voted from view"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9057 on:** September 12, 2018, 12:35:07 PM »

Easter is a great time to check out your neighborhood church, and not be noticed.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9058 on:** September 12, 2018, 12:37:44 PM »

A tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
"Please, you have to come over right away," pleaded a distraught mother, "My child has swallowed a condom."
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out of the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband's found another one."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9059 on:** September 12, 2018, 12:47:47 PM »

Chicago will never host the Olympics, because the athletes will have to use extra skills to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9060 on:** September 12, 2018, 01:45:18 PM »

Scientists have just built the world's biggest Hadron supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons.

I hope that if the experiment is successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.

Bodø · « **Reply #9061 on:** September 12, 2018, 02:04:59 PM »

I do like that level two line.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9062 on:** September 12, 2018, 05:45:25 PM »

I always wondered about the woman who had a face transplant.

If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

STeveo · « **Reply #9063 on:** September 12, 2018, 05:49:55 PM »

But would you be able to face her the next morning?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9064 on:** September 12, 2018, 05:56:19 PM »

They just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"

Costs 4X the normal price, but it comes with Kens car, Kens house, Kens boat, Kens computer, and one of Kens friends.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9065 on:** September 12, 2018, 06:33:00 PM »

'Murica is in for a cyclonic hiding in around 3 days!

Current view in link below

https://earth.nullschool.net/#current/wind/surface/level/orthographic=-92.76,28.96,1128

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9066 on:** September 12, 2018, 06:38:26 PM »

Going to a meeting of the Bar Association, is similar to going into a bait shop because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9067 on:** September 12, 2018, 06:43:20 PM »

There so many lawyers in the U.S. because St. Patrick chased all the snakes out of Ireland.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9068 on:** September 12, 2018, 06:57:54 PM »

Heard about the 'microwave' Lawyer? They charge you an 8 hours fee when you have only been in their office for 4 minutes.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9069 on:** September 12, 2018, 06:59:36 PM »

If you cross a librarian with a lawyer you get all the information you need, even tho' you don't understand a word of it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9070 on:** September 12, 2018, 07:02:26 PM »

The American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients to prevent the client from being double billed for what is essentially the same service.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9071 on:** September 12, 2018, 10:05:36 PM »

A world class jockey is about to enter a competition on a new horse.
The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump,
You have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine!"
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through
the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop!' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, 'It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems, the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf? DEAF? ... no, he's not deaf - he's BLIND!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9072 on:** September 12, 2018, 10:12:48 PM »

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart.
The doctor asked him his IQ and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve
the removal of about one third of his brain.
The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions
of brain tissue, so the operation was planned.
The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice bright LED display as a percentage.
The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off . . . 99, 98, 97 . . . Suddenly the phone rang.
It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient.
When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter ticking down 9, 8, 7 . . .
He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain.
"Oh my!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me! Say anything!"
The man looked at him and said, "I, Donald Trump, announce my candidacy for President of the United States . . ."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9073 on:** September 13, 2018, 12:37:45 AM »

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.
This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.

"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need, I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, around $2,000 each week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he said he has one cat house in Las Vegas, and another in Reno."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9074 on:** September 13, 2018, 12:49:20 AM »

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted with this triumphant announcement: "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving, and she turned into a telephone pole!"

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3318465 times)

Bodø