Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5581005 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9850 on:** November 23, 2018, 06:01:42 PM »

Q: What's the difference between Bill Shorten and an eel?

A: One is an ugly, slimey, scum sucking bottom-feeder,

... and the other is a fish.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9851 on:** November 23, 2018, 06:47:59 PM »

Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"

Wife: "A lot of things that I didn’t know about."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9852 on:** November 23, 2018, 06:51:12 PM »

English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars.

Johnny handed in a blank sheet of paper.

"Johnny!" yelled the teacher, "You've done nothing! Why?"

"If I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9853 on:** November 23, 2018, 09:54:37 PM »

The airport has Mistletoe hanging over the baggage carousel during the Christmas rush, so that you can kiss your luggage goodbye.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9854 on:** November 23, 2018, 10:06:17 PM »

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms.

Babies pretend to be dead.

The little buggers do it on purpose.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9855 on:** November 23, 2018, 10:33:43 PM »

What is the difference between grapes and a Politician?

You stamp on grapes barefooted.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9856 on:** November 23, 2018, 10:49:05 PM »

I had a mouse sneak into my flat tonight.

Bad move on his part.

My cats are brilliant at playing hide and squeak.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9857 on:** November 24, 2018, 01:31:30 PM »

Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent — over $500,000 a year.

She's in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month basis.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9858 on:** November 25, 2018, 08:50:34 AM »

Where there's a will, there's a ~~way~~ ... bunch of expectant relatives.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9859 on:** November 25, 2018, 11:35:27 AM »

Different day, everything is now back to 'normal' in Victoria. Same crap as usual. Otherwise known as 'DDSS'

Now we watch and wait for excuses as to why the 'promises' of the past four months fail to be implemented over the next four years.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9860 on:** November 25, 2018, 12:15:36 PM »

Canada is so impressed with Donalds wall, that they want one too!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9861 on:** November 25, 2018, 12:16:30 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9862 on:** November 25, 2018, 03:33:11 PM »

C'mon channel seven, enough of the state election results already.

We want todays current news, not yesterdays sour grapes history.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9863 on:** November 25, 2018, 03:34:59 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9864 on:** November 25, 2018, 06:16:33 PM »

Hows your maths knowledge?

Answer ... a very small slice indeed... - pass the cream!

Bodø · « **Reply #9865 on:** November 25, 2018, 06:39:23 PM »

The kanji for 8 in Japan is 八 which does look a bit like your pi symbol, so the answer could be one.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9866 on:** November 25, 2018, 06:40:16 PM »

Oops!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9867 on:** November 25, 2018, 07:06:06 PM »

Ummm... nice try?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9868 on:** November 25, 2018, 07:39:03 PM »

I asked 50 women which shampoo they prefer.

The top answer was "What the hell are you doing in my bathroom!"

Bodø · « **Reply #9869 on:** November 25, 2018, 08:25:11 PM »

That sounds similar to my cooking breakfast experience.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9870 on:** November 25, 2018, 10:42:18 PM »

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing poker with his dog.

He watched the game in astonishment for a while.
"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen!"
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "He wags his tail when he has more than a pair."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9871 on:** November 25, 2018, 10:53:01 PM »

A woman was wearing crotchless panties.
When her husband came home, the flashed him from the couch.

"Want some of this?" she asked.

"Hell NO!" he replied "Look what it did to your knickers!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9872 on:** November 25, 2018, 11:16:31 PM »

Another blast from the past.

Many years ago, my elder brother was the local milkman for Tanunda and Nuriootpa townships in the Barossa Valley.
It's the job he took on after leaving the Broken Hill mines in the early 80's, and he continued this job for around 20 years.
One day we were sampling the wares at one of the wineries, and him being a well-known 'local', we were given some
extra priveledges, that is, we had 'house branded' wine glasses with which to sample their products.

A tour bus pulled in, and the travellers stared at us as as tho' we were royalty, as they sipped their samples from plastic cups.

Edited to add...
Ian also owned a sizeable vineyard, and several wine cellars competed for his grapes.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9873 on:** November 26, 2018, 12:39:38 AM »

Basketball is America's favorite "running" sport.

Number two is avoiding child support payments.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #9874 on:** November 26, 2018, 12:40:21 PM »

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap- tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Damn fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5581005 times)

Bodø

Bodø