Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Cascading confusion...



The boss calls his secretary and says, "Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip."

The secretary calls husband and says, "Me and my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so take care of yourself."

The husband calls his girlfriend and says, "My wife is going on a business trip, so come over."

The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition, "No tuition this weekend."

The boy calls his grand father, "Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together."

Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary and says, "Business trip is cancelled. I'm going to spend weekend with my grandson."

The secretary calls husband, "I won't be going."

The husband calls his girlfriend, "I am sorry My wife is not going."

The girlfriend calls boy, "You have tuition."

Boy calls his grandpa and says, "Sorry grandpa I've classes."

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The grandpa calls his secretary....

[Kev Murphy]

"I Yam a nappy rider!"

[Kev Murphy]

Lawyers use a economic forecast like a drunk uses a lamppost; they use it for support rather than illumination.

If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

You are being chased by a bear, a lion, and a lawyer. You have a rifle, but only two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer.
Twice.

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to her Lawyer, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," he replied, "Ever since the Phoenicians invented money, there has been only one answer to that question."

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at thetheft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, are you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read:
Legal Consultation Service: $150

If a lawyer and a used car salesman were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

[Kev Murphy]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who's Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

[Kev Murphy]

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.

"Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter.

"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" ask the Lord.

St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

[Kev Murphy]

Three people were trying to get into heaven.
Peter asked the first, "Who's there?"

"It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St. Peter let him in.

Then St. Peter asked the second one the same question, "Who's there?"

"It's me, Charlie Walker." And St. Peter let him in.

Finally he turns to the third, asking the same question, "Who's there?"

"It is I, James Chapman," answered the third.

"Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another bloody English teacher!"

[Kev Murphy]

Nursing Home Games

1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions (shouted into your good ear)
4. Musical recliners.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Kick the bucket.

[Brookester]

At dinner little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.
"But I don't know how to pray" said little Johnny
"Just pray for your family, your friends and neighbours, the poor etc." his father said.
"Dear Lord,...thankyou for our visitors and their children who finished all my ice cream and biscuits, bless them so they never return.
Forgive our neighbours son whom removed all my sisters clothing and wrestled with her on the bed.
This Xmas please send clothes to all those poor ladies on daddy's phone that can't afford any.
And please provide shelter to the homeless man that sleeps in Mummy's bed when daddy is at work.
Amen.

DINNER WAS CANCELLED!!!

[Kev Murphy]

  Good one, Brooke   

[Kev Murphy]

The final exam in electrical engineering worried Dan.

On the last day of class, the professor wished the students luck as he wrote a phone number on the blackboard.

"If any of you have difficulty understanding the review material, call this number," he said as he dismissed the class.

On Saturday afternoon, stumped by one of the review problems, Dan reached for the phone and heard a recorded message from Dial-A-Prayer

[Kev Murphy]

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol, but only 8 to summon the devil.

[Kev Murphy]

Dolphins are so smart, that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

[Kev Murphy]

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, I really had to put my foot down!

[Kev Murphy]

I don't understand why so many people get attacked by sharks in the Jaws movies.

Can they not hear the music?

[Kev Murphy]

They say St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.

I wonder if he could do that for Federal Parliament?.

[Kev Murphy]

My dog Minton chewed up all my shuttlecocks.


BAD Minton!

[Kev Murphy]

Help!... I need help in my kitchen!

This is the first time I have tried to roast a whole chicken!

It's been in the oven for more than 30 minutes,
and it's still trying to break through the glass door! 

[Bodø Glimt]

If it's still alive after thirty minutes your oven isn't hot enough.

[Kev Murphy]

You mean to tell me the oven has to be hot?

[Kev Murphy]

When I need medical treatment for my canine, I do not go to a Vet.

I take him to a Dogtor.

[Kev Murphy]

When I go golfing I always wear two pairs of pants.. 

... just in case I get a hole-in-one.

[Kev Murphy]

It seems that cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

[Kev Murphy]

Chilly morning here at present... 6.40am and only 3.5 degrees outside.

... which explains why I am out of bed, as the cats woke me in order to get the heater turned on.

[Kev Murphy]

Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously.

It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.

[Kev Murphy]

Could skunks be described as scent-imental creatures?