Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5860021 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8125 on:** July 08, 2018, 05:31:37 AM »

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking, than men spend thinking.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8126 on:** July 08, 2018, 05:52:58 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8127 on:** July 08, 2018, 09:13:39 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8128 on:** July 08, 2018, 10:44:11 AM »

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before your employer does.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8129 on:** July 08, 2018, 10:48:14 AM »

My boss once asked me "Who is the stupid one here, me or you?"

I replied "Everybody knows that you don't employ stupid people!"

Williamson · « **Reply #8130 on:** July 08, 2018, 12:12:50 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on July 08, 2018, 10:44:11 AM

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before your employer does.

..... au contraire, if my employer is raises the subject of retirement, I'll raise the subject of redundancy, which (according to our employment agreement, and my years of service) means 42 weeks severance pay. A few $K in my pocket, would be better than not.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8131 on:** July 08, 2018, 01:03:49 PM »

An American won 3 million dollars in the lottery.
He declared that he would donate a quarter of it to charity.
He now has 2 million, 999,999 dollars and 75 cents left.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8132 on:** July 08, 2018, 01:09:21 PM »

I found that the easiest way to call a family meeting is to switch off the wifi, and wait for them all to come running.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8133 on:** July 08, 2018, 01:23:53 PM »

Alien attack?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8134 on:** July 08, 2018, 03:55:11 PM »

I'm an adult.

I don't cry over spilt milk unless there's coffee in it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8135 on:** July 08, 2018, 03:57:33 PM »

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes a free annual trip around the sun.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8136 on:** July 08, 2018, 03:59:37 PM »

I was asked to explain my outlook on life in three words.

Lazy.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8137 on:** July 08, 2018, 04:02:59 PM »

I WRITE SOME OF MY JOKES IN CAPITALS.

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN MELBOURNE.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8138 on:** July 08, 2018, 04:13:45 PM »

Scaring men is easy.

A woman sent a text to her husband "Do you remember what today is?"

Poor bugger is still at the pub, too afraid to go home.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8139 on:** July 08, 2018, 04:15:26 PM »

Its so cold here today, I saw a snowman riding an icicle.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8140 on:** July 08, 2018, 04:16:32 PM »

Its so cold here today, I had to take 2 viagra so I don't pee on my slippers.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8141 on:** July 08, 2018, 04:18:57 PM »

Winter is natures way of telling you to polish your bike.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8142 on:** July 08, 2018, 04:22:34 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8143 on:** July 08, 2018, 04:27:35 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8144 on:** July 08, 2018, 09:48:16 PM »

Winter weather here.. passing clouds are dressed in their thunderwear.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8145 on:** July 08, 2018, 11:02:55 PM »

Have finally worked out why Channel Seven is now named 7 Plus.

The 'Plus' is for the program breaks that they broadcast between the commercials.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8146 on:** July 08, 2018, 11:49:35 PM »

The new iPhone X has facial recognition.

Some women are gonna be locked out after they wash their face off.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8147 on:** July 09, 2018, 02:20:04 AM »

Two telephone technicians had to appear before their boss after a customer complaint.
He said "This complaint is from a woman that said you used foul language in her home while you were working! Explain!"
Jimmy spoke up: "Well you see, me and Harry went to this here womans' house because of a line fault.
When we tested, we found that we would have to replace the cable because it was broken somewhere in the wall.
Now the only cable we had in the van was in two sections, so we pulled it in, and where we would have to join the cable
was right beside the manhole. I held the ladder while Harry used a soldering iron to make the cable joint, and some hot solder
fell, and went straight down the back of my collar!
I turned to Harry and said: 'I say, Harold?... that was a trifle clumsy! ... I DO wish you would show more care?'
.... OR WORDS TO THAT EFFECT!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8148 on:** July 09, 2018, 02:33:42 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8149 on:** July 09, 2018, 02:37:02 AM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5860021 times)