Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bedside.
"Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lisina to me, ... some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home,
and maybe a couple of bambino. Some day you goina come home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man.
Watta you gonna do then? .. Pointa to you watch and say, "Hey! ... You finish yet?"

[Kev Murphy]

The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for several months.
The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.

"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work.
I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?'
I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?'
That's another 'or what.'
On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?'
And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."

The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"

[Kev Murphy]

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid.
After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered.
"Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."

The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.

"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

"No, Madam," said the maid. "Not your husband ... the mail man!"

[Kev Murphy]

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation.

He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I know the answer must be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

[Kev Murphy]

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Picasso of Jail".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."

The third convict, a blonde guy, was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go dancing, horseback riding, rock climbing, swimming, roller-skating ..."

[Kev Murphy]

Two friends, who had lost contact for many years, were catching up with each other.
One asked, "So, you've got your own company now, huh? How lucky!"
The other replied, "Just a small one, nothing to be really proud of."
Disbelieving, the first queried, "Small? How many people work in your company?"
The other sadly answered, "On a good day, nearly half of them."

[Kev Murphy]

US Airways recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

[Kev Murphy]

Roger was sitting in a very full bus when a fat woman opposite said, “If you were a gentleman, you'd stand up and let someone else sit down.”

“And if you were a lady,” replied Roger, “you'd stand up and let four others sit down.”

[Kev Murphy]

Trump provided free transport for all of his supporters at a recent function.

There were only 3 empty seats, (One was for the driver)

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Misunderstood lyrics.....

https://youtu.be/GyaE76Eu5lo

[Bodø]

You've been awfully quiet this morning Kev.

[Kev Murphy]

Don't feel too good today, staying in bed.

[Bodø]

お大事に
(Take care)

[Wild Rose]

Don't feel too good today, staying in bed.

Hope you are feeling good shortly
We need a good morning laugh to help me get through the day 

[Kev Murphy]

Doctor said to patient "You appear to be pregnant!"

Patient "WHAAAT???!!! ... in case you hadn't noticed, I'm MALE!"

Doctor "I said you APPEAR to be pregant, fatty!"

[Kev Murphy]

Two Medics chatting...

"So, how was your first surgery?"

"Surgery? ... Oh shite, ... I thought it was an autopsy!"

[Wild Rose]

Don't feel too good today, staying in bed.

Hope you are feeling good shortly
We need a good morning laugh to help me get through the day 

Thanks Kev    Hope you get better soon 

[Kev Murphy]

Found a note from my gf on my fridge. "This isn't working, goodbye!"
I opened the fridge and it was working fine, my beer was still cold.
Guess it must have been a short power outage, but an odd reason for her to leave me?

[Kev Murphy]

Jimbob and his friend Leroy were driving on the highway as they approached an overpass.
A truck containing japanese gearbox parts hit the siderail of the overpass, spilling part of its load onto the roadway below.
Leroy said "Lookee here Jimbob! ... I done heared of it before, but first time I ever did see it raining Datsun cogs!"

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Words of advice.

Don't lie.
Don't cheat.
Don't steal.

Politicians and Governments hate competition.

[NTRebel]

I reckon he looks a bit downtrodden.

:

 

[Kev Murphy]