Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5580191 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8700 on:** August 13, 2018, 12:44:10 AM »

Imagine if Americans went metric and switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?

There would be mass confusion!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8701 on:** August 13, 2018, 12:51:44 AM »

Two men chatting in a Melbourne bar.

One says "A girl I met in Broadmeadows gave me an STD".

His mate replies "You were lucky, in Craigieburn you would have had to pay for it!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8702 on:** August 13, 2018, 12:54:28 AM »

I have been sitting here in the cold for so long, I think I have developed polaroids.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8703 on:** August 13, 2018, 12:58:21 AM »

A detective in the Arctic asked the Eskimo suspect:

"Where were you on the night of October to March?"

Bodø · « **Reply #8704 on:** August 13, 2018, 05:01:45 AM »

This is why Norwegian parents don't tell their kids to be home before dark. In summer that could be two months away.

Gadget · « **Reply #8705 on:** August 13, 2018, 06:09:27 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on August 13, 2018, 12:44:10 AM

Imagine if Americans went metric and switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?

There would be mass confusion!

The US adopted the metric system in 1866, it just wasn't enforced so now there is mass confusion as some parts like the military use metric and others don't.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8706 on:** August 13, 2018, 07:23:36 AM »

A Blonde arrived at work one cold winter morning wearing one glove.

... because the weather man said it's going to be cold, but on the other hand it might be warm

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8707 on:** August 13, 2018, 07:25:43 AM »

Winters are fierce in Minnesota where he lives, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?"
The Foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
"Why don't you wear them?" The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him!
Never again, never again!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8708 on:** August 13, 2018, 08:08:34 AM »

What would Billy Sneddon do if he was here right now?

Stink!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8709 on:** August 13, 2018, 08:09:20 AM »

Did you hear about the transgender who was locked up for male fraud?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8710 on:** August 13, 2018, 12:26:51 PM »

The only time I think about a dinner by candlelight is when there is a power failure.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8711 on:** August 13, 2018, 03:53:18 PM »

Today I met a Blonde who is so dumb that she doesn't know the difference between a Swiss watch and a Sasquatch.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8712 on:** August 13, 2018, 08:54:42 PM »

An sms on my mobile today that there is a package on its way to me, tracking number supplied.
It comes from a site that google refuses to open because my antivirus goes apeshit if I attempt to browse it.

These sms messages are addressed to me by name, and come from a 'name' (this one called PARCEL), and not a number.
I might have to have a word to Telstra to find out how to block them.

...Oh yeah!... according to an email today I won $35 million on tattslotto a week ago as well as well....
Not bad for a person who never buys lotto tickets, hey?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8713 on:** August 13, 2018, 08:55:33 PM »

The difference between politicians and druggies... Politicians don't inhale...they just suck.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8714 on:** August 13, 2018, 08:59:34 PM »

Bigamy is having one wife too many

... for many, monogamy is the same thing.

NTRebel · « **Reply #8715 on:** August 13, 2018, 09:18:13 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on August 13, 2018, 08:54:42 PM

An sms on my mobile today that there is a package on its way to me, tracking number supplied.
It comes from a site that google refuses to open because my antivirus goes apeshit if I attempt to browse it.

These sms messages are addressed to me by name, and come from a 'name' (this one called PARCEL), and not a number.
I might have to have a word to Telstra to find out how to block them.

...Oh yeah!... according to an email today I won $35 million on tattslotto a week ago as well as well....
Not bad for a person who never buys lotto tickets, hey?

Does that mean you're good for a $34 million dollar loan so I can buy a harley for each day of the week Kev

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8716 on:** August 13, 2018, 09:22:40 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8717 on:** August 13, 2018, 09:45:23 PM »

Emergency Service workers were debating how to get two retards out of a tree they had climbed.

As I walked by, I looked up and waved to them.

Problem solved.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8718 on:** August 13, 2018, 11:48:57 PM »

During WW II, the American Military wore combat boots.

The French Military wore track shoes.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8719 on:** August 13, 2018, 11:54:02 PM »

Mexicans never cross the border in groups of three because there is a no tres-passing law.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8720 on:** August 14, 2018, 12:11:55 AM »

Banking Crisis

Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

... seems a lot like what is happening here in Aus at the moment, except it's the customers suffering, not the banks.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8721 on:** August 14, 2018, 12:19:12 AM »

3 Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, traveled to America.

They decided to adopt 'Americanised' names.

Bu became Buck.

Chu became Chuck.

And Fu? ... Well, he went home to China.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8722 on:** August 14, 2018, 02:18:46 AM »

Afro-Americans do not go on cruises, because they already fell for that trick once before.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8723 on:** August 14, 2018, 05:44:35 AM »

A jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.

His father replied, "Ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I'd be happy to give you a dollar, here's your twenty five cents."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #8724 on:** August 14, 2018, 05:46:11 AM »

There are no Walmarts in Iraq because there is a target on every corner.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5580191 times)

Bodø