Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Donald Trump should be cast in an X-Men movie.


Seems his secret superpower is making vast amount of wealth disappear

[Kev Murphy]

Barrels of water began arriving at the White House on a weekly basis from Mexico.

A handwritten note accompanied the first delivery.

"This is our donation towards our border, it was collected at the mouth of the Rio Grande River.
Please pour it back into your end of the river somewhere around the El Paso area."

[Kev Murphy]

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work.
One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

"I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there."

"If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!" she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.

“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air.

Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”

“Oh, yes” he answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

“Only if it’s raining.”

[Kev Murphy]

John was shocked when he saw his friend Ben fitted out with a cast on his leg and crutches. He said:

- Hey, Ben! What happened to you? You went abroad, right?

Ben: That was the plan but it didn't push through.

John: But why? What happened?

Ben: They beat me inside the airplane just after I boarded.

John: That's why you look like that, but why did they beat you?

Ben: Because I saw that an old friend from college was the pilot, and I walked up to the cockpit to say hi to him.

John: What? You just spoke to him and you got beaten? What exactly did you say?

Ben: I just called out, "Hi, Jack!" and they jumped on me and beat the crap outta me.

[Kev Murphy]

Many years ago, (1965? 66?) I was flying to Sydney from Adelaide for a parachute club weekend meet.

Some of the other passengers looked really nervous when they saw me boarding, and wearing my chute as carry on luggage. 

[Kev Murphy]

My neighbour had his dishwasher, washing machine, cooker, clothes presser, and vacuum cleaner stolen.

She shot through with some other bloke.

[Bodø]

Many years ago, (1965? 66?) I was flying to Sydney from Adelaide for a parachute club weekend meet.
Some of the other passengers looked really nervous when they saw me boarding, and wearing my chute as carry on luggage. 

I'd just think you were a nutter.  Oh wait, I still do. 

[Gadget]

oboy, now we have two world idiots that will waste time on the news.

SloMo has it too.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[NTRebel]

oboy, now we have two world idiots that will waste time on the news.

But wait there's more.  It's all fake.

[Kev Murphy]

Not paying for a meal is called a Dine and Dash..

Therefore not paying for a haircut is a cut and run?

[Kev Murphy]

My 35 year old friend and his 22 year old girlfriend had their meal out completely ruined by strangers judging them for their age gap.

It completely ruined their 10 year anniversary.

[Kev Murphy]

I ate a meal at a Chinese restaurant, and the cashier asked me if I enjoyed it.

I told her the chicken was rubbery, and she said "Thank you".

[Kev Murphy]

A Native American shaman had an apprentice
One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."

The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"

The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and the next day the shaman left on his long trip.

But the apprentice turned out to be a terrible shaman. Within a week, the chief could not take it anymore, and left to search for the old shaman. He found him and begged, "Please come back to tribe."

The shaman asked, "Why should I come back?"

The chief tried bribery. "If you come back, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so they both went back, and the chief gave the shaman a big meal.

When the apprentice saw his mentor had returned, he asked, "Why back so soon?"

The old shaman explained, "Full me once, shaman you. Full me twice, shaman me."

[Kev Murphy]

Local Irish pub served a seven course dinner to patrons on St Patricks day.


... A six pack of beer and a roast potato.

[Kev Murphy]

A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
The vendor drops a kosher beef hot dog into a seed-covered bun and tops it with yellow mustard, chopped white onions, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices, relish, hot peppers, celery salt, and black pepper.

The monk hands over a $100 bill and takes the hot dog. The vendor takes the note and smiles. "Have a nice day!".

The monk is confused. "Pardon me, what about my change?"

The vendor answers with a bow: "Change only comes from within."

[Kev Murphy]

More visitors today



Were 3 others here in the bay on Tuesday that I failed to report

[Kev Murphy]

A parrot swallowed a viagra pill. The owners put him in a freezer to "cool off."

When the owner opened the freezer he noticed the parrot was sweating profusely.

Owner: "Why are you sweating so much?"

Parrot: "Do you know how hard it is to spread the legs of a frozen chicken?"

[Kev Murphy]

The other day I was scraping leftovers into the garbage...

...and I couldn't help but think of those poor kids in Africa who don't have any garbage bins.

[Kev Murphy]

Waitress walks over to the table
Waitress - “You guys all finished?”

Me - Yes

Waitress - You wanna box for your leftovers?

Me - No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.

[Kev Murphy]

A woman decided she needed to spice up her sex life.
When her husband came home from work she was waiting for him wearing nothing but saran wrap.

When he walked through the door he looked at her and said, “Oh no! Not leftovers again.”

[Kev Murphy]

Some friends of mine who live on a property near Casterton recently bought 4 calves at a cattle sale.

They  call them Eeny, Meeny, Miney, and Moo.

[Kev Murphy]

I found it strange that my co-workers started naming their food in the office fridge?


Today I ate a sandwich named Linda..

[Kev Murphy]

Laughter explained.

Ha - mildly amusing

Haha - laughing

Hahaha - sarcastic laughing

Ah-ah-ah-ah! - Staying Alive, Staying Alive.

[Kev Murphy]

Doctor sees a pair of siamese twins in the hospital cafeteria...**



He walks up to them and says, "May I join you?"



The twins say, "Are you completely out of your mind?!"

[Kev Murphy]

A woman on a business trip calls her husband to check on her cat.
“How’s Princess Fluffs?” she asks.

“Oh, she died this morning, honey. Ran into traffic. Sorry.”

His wife breaks into sobs, and he feels terrible. When she gathers her composure she yells at him,

“How can you break the news like that to me? You have no sensitivity whatsoever.”

“What should I have done?”

“Well when I called today you could have said she was stuck on the roof. That you were calling the fire department to come get her down. And then you could have waited a day and said she had gotten a little sick while being out in the cold but was a brave little kitty and was going to pull through. And the next day you could have told me nicely that after a hard fight, the poor kitty passed away in the comfort of your arms.”

She sobs again for a while, and then asks, face still wet from tears.

“Well, how is my mother?”

He almost speaks, pauses.

... “Well, honey, she’s on the roof.”