Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5823430 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13025 on:** July 26, 2019, 02:35:21 AM »

What's the difference between a hawk and an eagle?

All birds have specialized tail feathers called pinions.
An eagle has 8 pinions, while a hawk only has 7.
So you could say the difference is only a matter of a pinion.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13026 on:** July 26, 2019, 02:52:29 AM »

The year is 2020.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are both travelling in the same plane.

Plane comes crashing down.

Who survives?

The whole world..

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13027 on:** July 26, 2019, 03:02:00 AM »

Donald Trump claimed his trips to Mar-a Lago didn’t cost the taxpayers anything.

He paid for them with Frequent Liar miles.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13028 on:** July 26, 2019, 07:15:31 AM »

I really like oxymorons.

Phrases like jumbo shrimp, Trump leadership, organised chaos, cruel kindness, open secret,
Military Intelligence, accurate estimate, good rap music, United States of America.

Brock · « **Reply #13029 on:** July 26, 2019, 08:21:20 AM »

In the last 2 days, we have had 30 request to join OzSTOC. Didnt realise that we were so popular in Yugoslavia, Russia and Antigua.

Sadly only one is waiting for approval right now

Shillas · « **Reply #13030 on:** July 26, 2019, 08:36:33 AM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on July 26, 2019, 07:15:31 AM

I really like oxymorons.

Phrases like jumbo shrimp, Trump leadership, organised chaos, cruel kindness, open secret,
Military Intelligence, accurate estimate, good rap music, United States of America.

Don't forget United Kingdom

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13031 on:** July 26, 2019, 12:08:14 PM »

My girlfriend complained to me about the cost of a Brazilian wax.

She said it cost her $50?

... What a rip off !!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13032 on:** July 26, 2019, 01:29:41 PM »

...But wait! ... there's more ...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13033 on:** July 26, 2019, 01:31:16 PM »

... Maybe Donald would like to visit Portland, just to see if WE have a 'Prince of Whales' too?

We could introduce him to drop bears as well...

... AND we have plenty of public toilets, knowing that he is full of it...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13034 on:** July 26, 2019, 01:36:41 PM »

The inventor of wax strips recently died.

RIP

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13035 on:** July 26, 2019, 01:38:36 PM »

How does the Karate Kid pleasure himself?

He Wax off

Bodø · « **Reply #13036 on:** July 26, 2019, 01:42:18 PM »

Bit of an oxymoron given karate means empty hand(s).

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13037 on:** July 26, 2019, 01:49:41 PM »

Trump takes really good care of his ears.

He wears ear plugs at loud concerts.

He makes sure his ear wax doesn’t build up.

He keeps the gray hairs growing out of his ears nice and trimmed.

He’s quite possibly the most ear responsible president the US ever had.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13038 on:** July 26, 2019, 01:56:55 PM »

Q: What is long and hard, that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A: A new last name.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13039 on:** July 26, 2019, 01:58:38 PM »

A commercial airliner recently crashed into a cemetery in Ireland.

Irish officials have so far retrieved over 4000 bodies.

Bodø · « **Reply #13040 on:** July 26, 2019, 02:00:42 PM »

I have grave fears for the survivors.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13041 on:** July 26, 2019, 02:41:20 PM »

If an aircraft crashed right on the England/Scotland border, which side of the border would they bury the survivors?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13042 on:** July 26, 2019, 02:45:00 PM »

The Scottish are abandoning the ride sharing company Uber, after a single vehicle accident when a car hit a tree and 17 people were injured.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13043 on:** July 26, 2019, 04:03:30 PM »

You know the line tone when someone hangs up the phone?

I recorded it, and saved it as an mp3 file to my desktop.

'Overseas' scammer called me a few minutes ago, I put the phone next to the speaker and hit 'play'.....

Dear me! The language he used, when he thought that no-one was there!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13044 on:** July 26, 2019, 04:21:12 PM »

Must be scammers day again today. 2 calls in 20 minutes. This one was from a call centre in Sydney (Now blocked)
Do they use Friday to make up their quota for the week?

He started spruiking about ATO, and errors in my tax return, yada yada yada...

... I replied..

"James is currently not available.
If you would like to leave a message, please wait for the tone..."

... and there is no tone.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13045 on:** July 26, 2019, 04:29:55 PM »

I bought a box of animal crackers and the label said, "Do not eat if seal is broken."

I open the box and sure enough...

« **Reply #13046 on:** July 26, 2019, 04:52:30 PM »

Were there other animals besides seals?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13047 on:** July 26, 2019, 04:56:27 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13048 on:** July 26, 2019, 05:00:22 PM »

The lady of the manor is out for a drive...
...and, in defiance of all probability and the manufacturer's promise, the Rolls-Royce grinds to a halt in the middle of nowhere.

So the chauffeur gets out and, finding himself unable to call the RAC due to poor reception, decided he'd better see what he can do for himself.

After a while, milady gets out of the car and is standing around fretfully, wondering what she can do to help.
So she goes over to the toolbox and calls out "I say! Do you need a screwdriver?"

And from underneath the car, the chauffeur answers, "Not now milady, I'm trying to fix the Rolls."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #13049 on:** July 26, 2019, 05:04:33 PM »

You only need three tools in a toolkit.

A hammer, a screwdriver, and a mobile phone.

When something breaks down, hit it with a hammer.

If it doesn't work after that, screw it, use the mobile to get assistance.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5823430 times)

Bodø

Bodø