Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 5823436 times)

Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13200 on: August 04, 2019, 11:44:24 PM »
Kamasutra says: If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one...

...And that was the origin of "Buy one, get one free"!
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13201 on: August 04, 2019, 11:46:36 PM »
I decided to give away all my batteries today.

... free of charge.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13202 on: August 04, 2019, 11:50:04 PM »
Not sure about this new job offer as a prosthetics sales representatives...


I don’t want to be involved in arms dealing.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13203 on: August 04, 2019, 11:52:40 PM »
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert.

The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water.

The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis.
The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.

The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE!

Now the guy in the wheelchair’s getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side.

Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13204 on: August 04, 2019, 11:55:43 PM »
Life can be incredibly hard....

You tell them you're quitting alcohol, they offer you free drinks.

You tell them you're vegan, they offer you steaks and hamburgers.

You tell them you have no sexual life and ... nobody bats an eye.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13205 on: August 05, 2019, 12:03:32 AM »
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "I heard that the Harrisons' bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Harrisons' for three days, and nobody even offered me as much as a glass of water."
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13206 on: August 05, 2019, 12:19:00 AM »
How the Germans bailed out Greece
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.



The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.



The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.



The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.



The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.



The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him 'services' on credit.



The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.



The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.



At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.



No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole village is now out of debt, and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13207 on: August 05, 2019, 09:01:48 AM »
Wife and husband are in the living room.

She's doing stuff on her computer, while he's sitting on the couch, texting.

The wife's cellphone is charging in the kitchen, and receives a message.

She stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.

She picks up her phone to see a text message from her husband.

"As you're in the kitchen, might as well make me a sandwich."
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13208 on: August 05, 2019, 12:35:03 PM »
He'd probably get a knuckle sandwich.

Oops, I forgot,  domestic violence is no joke.
 
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13209 on: August 05, 2019, 04:59:47 PM »
A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.
He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes.
So he calls amimal rescue and says

"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"

"I don't know," he said, "But I guess that would explain the suitcase?"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13210 on: August 05, 2019, 05:01:19 PM »
The National Geographic Channel has been bought up by Rupert Murdoch's Fox media empire.

From now on they'll mostly be showing documentaries about how migratory birds come over here and take all our worms.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13211 on: August 05, 2019, 06:59:11 PM »
I watched Fox news last night.



... wasn't a single news item about foxes.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13213 on: August 05, 2019, 08:17:30 PM »
Idiot telemarketer rang this evening, asking how much I pay for internet. When I replied 'about $90 per month', he jumped in offering a 'massive' 400 gigabytes per month download for 'only $69 per month'

I asked him what I would do for the rest of the month, after I used the 400 gig in only 2 or 3 days?

He replied "400 gig is a massive amount of data, and you will never use this amount!"

Wanna bet? I average around 1.8 Terabytes per month, over 4x what he was offering, and sometimes as much as 7x his offer per month.



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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13214 on: August 05, 2019, 08:25:00 PM »
A marijuana plantation was set on fire.


... witnesses claim a dragon is responsible.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13215 on: August 05, 2019, 08:28:55 PM »
A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner, who was also the sister of a highly respected Admiral:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.”

“They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: “No Jews, please.” "

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: “Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.”

“One is a Lieutenant Commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.”

“The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD, in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering, are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.”

“The third officer is also a Lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.”

“Finally, the fourth officer, also a Lieutenant Commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .”

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, “There must be some mistake.”

“No, Madam,” said the first officer.

“Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.”
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13216 on: August 05, 2019, 08:38:26 PM »
There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly raided by night thieves who were stealing melons.

The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence:
"Beware! Steal on your own risk! One of these melons has been poisoned!"

The next day, there were no more missing melons, and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13217 on: August 05, 2019, 10:14:48 PM »
I have several battery powered led motion sensor lights inside my home, to light up dark areas at night, when triggered.
Side of the fridge, lighting up the cat food trays on the floor, under the bench in bathroom where the litter box is placed, etc.
On average, the batteries in each fitting need recharging around every 3, 4 days.
Some of the batteries have started to fail and need replacing, as they are at the end of their working life.
Today is the first replacement of some of these batteries, in over 10 years.
I would hate to estimate the cost of normal, non-rechargeable batteries, if they were replaced every 3 or 4 days for the time frame quoted?
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13218 on: August 06, 2019, 04:26:34 AM »
Two blondes speaking: -

"My boyfriend is a veterinarian."

"Oh, did he fight in a war?"

"No, you dumbass, he doesn’t eat meat."
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13219 on: August 06, 2019, 04:31:49 AM »
A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply.

“Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price,” said the older man.
“You insisted there was no way you could discount this model yet I heard you close the deal for $42,000 to that lovely young lady there!

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. “Well, what can I tell you?
She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?”, replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price.
See you later Dad, Happy Father’s day.”
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Offline STeveo

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13220 on: August 06, 2019, 08:17:31 AM »
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE
I watched this all the way through and not once did I hear a fox bark.   :rofl
 
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13221 on: August 06, 2019, 09:47:09 AM »
Mayhem and murder just across the carpark from me, around midnight last night.
Police everywhere, two young blokes, early 20's, were school mates.
One recently out of jail stabbed the other, and killed him over drugs.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13222 on: August 06, 2019, 12:01:21 PM »


Date & Time 2019-08-06 10:10:00
Location Hanlon Parade
Type of Whale Southern Right Whale 
2 Southern Right Whales, Cow and Calf, 150 metres along Hanlon Parade heading towards Wade Street Viewing platform

Date & Time 2019-08-06 11:00:00
Location CAPE BRIDGEWATER
Type of Whale Southern Right Whale
1 Southern Right Whale 250 metres out from Bridgewater Bay cafe
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13223 on: August 06, 2019, 12:28:26 PM »
Buy a tee shirt, piss off a vegan.

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #13224 on: August 06, 2019, 04:29:30 PM »
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE
I watched this all the way through and not once did I hear a fox bark.   :rofl

Those Norwegians are a weird mob.
 
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